Lessons from the Long Ride

Some lessons in life, just as in training, are learned the hard way. You can read about them in books, magazines, or semi-entertaining yet mostly brainless blogs. But until you experience them in person the lesson doesn't really sink in. I had several of those moments on my most recent, and possibly last, long training ride of the season. Not that it'll do you any good, but I'll share anyway in hopes that you can learn from my experience. These lessons are in no particular order.

Rocks are Evil

So you're clippling down the road at a better than average pace. It's early in the long ride and your feeling well. Up ahead in the distance you saw a shimmering light that caused your head to grow heavy and your sights to dim there is some debris on the road. Now this road is sparsely traveled but there are occasional cars. In most cases, you will get passed by 2 cars, traveling in opposite directions, at the same time. And, coincidentally, this passing will take place at the exact same time as the debris would be under your tires.

It's at this stage when you have limited options...
Option 1- Veer out into traffic to avoid the debris. Pro- smooth riding. Con- chances of beating an automobile in a sumo match are low.

Option 2- Veer right of the debris. Pro- Avoid cars and gunk. Con- off shoulder drainage ditches are not that smooth for riding in the aero position.

Option 3- Steady as she goes. Pro- Miss both car and ditch. Con- not that steady

As you can probably guess, I went with option 3. The result- flat tire due to a pinch flat caused by my lard butt centering a rock dead smack in the middle of my front tire. Not only did the impact cause the air to escape from my inner tube, but the subsequent jarring was none too pleasant on my crotch. Next time, I might choose a different option, especially when you consider my next lesson...

Practice CO2-ing
I, like many riders/ racers/ triathletes/ morons do not carry a pump. There is a faster, more efficient technology out there called a CO2 cartridge. Allow me to explain.

Pumps take up space and add weight. What's the use of having a pure carbon fiber ride if you're going to doctor it up with a bunch of mix-ins? Geeks want their bikes to remain light. Enter the CO2 cartridge. It is compact. Light weight. And can fill your tire in less than 3 seconds. In theory.

In practice, should you be lucky enough to have practice, it's a little more time consuming. Let's assume for a moment that you have successfully removed your bad tube, replaced it with fresh rubber, and re-sealed the clincher onto the rim. You are ready for a blow job inflation.

You take out this metal, torpedo looking object that is stuffed with exhalent. It doesn't quite fit into your tube stem. You need a delivery chuck. Now, you insert the end of the canister into the chuck and screw it until you cannot screw no more (I really wanted to insert a pun there, but nothing really popped up). Guess what happens? Nothing. That's because the greenhouse gas is blocked on purpose. Next, you insert the opposite side of the chuck onto the inner tube stem. Hold. Unscrew the canister and viola, CO2.

What they don't tell you on the package is the consequence of Gay-Lussac's Law. (Nope, I didn't make that up. There is indeed a gas law after some French guy whose name starts with Gay. I laughed sophomorically all the way through college at that one.) It simply states that when the pressure goes up, so does the temperature and vice versa. Well, in the case of the CO2, the pressure went from super compact to free as a bird. According to Gay, that causes an extreme drop in degrees. In real life, it's darn cold. Like double-dog dare you to stick your tongue to the pole cold.

If you're lucky enough, you won't stick your tongue to the cartridge and your fingers will survive the Ice Age. There is a chance that you'll need to wait a minute or two before you can effectively pull your frozen CO2 chuck away from the inner tube. So much for time savings.

Ride Like the Wind
This lesson is short and sweet. When you are planning a long ride, when given the option, go out against the wind and return with a tail wind. Your legs with thank you for it. Mine did.

Potty Stops
An efficient route planner will take into account several other factors, including other types wind producing options. My route contained 2 opportunities to refill my water bottles for free. This is always a bonus.

Accompanying the free juice is a bathroom. I am lucky enough that both of my water stops contain full flush bathrooms and not porta potties. I don't actually plan on using the bathroom during a workout. I know how to pee on the bike and I hate stopping for trivial purposes. However, should the caffeine hit me just right, I will absolutely stop to take care of more solid, or semi-solid, business.

This fact leads me to my last lesson learned on the long ride. Hopefully you'll never have to learn this one on your own. Take it from me. Read these words and internalize the wisdom in which I am about to impart. Should you find yourself in a position that warrants getting off of your bicycle, walking across a slippery tiled floor in your cycling shoes, bracing against the unstableness of your cleats on a smooth surface, just to relieve some E. coli laden pressure...

Always remove your cycling gloves before wiping.

How to Race Even Faster

There are several ways to become faster in racing.

• You could use performance enhancing drugs. But, with the legality, ethics, and cost involved, this is not the best decision. Plus, you could get banned from sport and shunned by your friends/ colleagues. Avoid this option.
• You could buy better equipment. A lighter bike, fancy wheels, better clothes, will indeed increase your speed (to some extent). This may be cost limited and once you start down this path, you are destined to continue it until someone throws an intervention.
• You could lose weight. And by weight, I mean fat (and sometimes muscle). A lighter you has less to haul around. Your same muscles have to do less work to cover the same distance. You go faster. But, this system takes time, patience, and commitment. Happily, it will probably save you money in reduced grocery bills and less visits to the doctors.
• You could train better. Doing intervals, hill repeats, and speed work will train you body to operate at faster speeds. This is the most painful option. But with high risk comes high reward. Your muscles will provide themselves with the necessary adaptations allowing you to move faster on race day.
• You could hire a coach, who can help analyze your training and technique. Coach can help fix flaws in your methodology and technique and provide you with accountability.

All of these are valid methods of improving your race day performance. Except for the first one, should you cherish going faster, you could do them all concurrently. But, once race day arrives, then what?

Coming off my most recent success at the Summer Sizzler, I learned one amazing, magical tip to help you go even faster. It requires no additional work from you. In fact, it actually requires less work from you than you would normally expend before a race. You won't find this tip in any book, magazine, or elsewhere on the planet. But, it worked for me and I, in my generous state of being, am willing to share it with you, free of charge.

Bit of Background
So, before I tell you how to get faster with this one magical piece of advice, the one that may change your race day forever, I must tell you how I narrowed it down to this 1, purely genius aspect of race preparation. I, like many before me, are quite methodical in getting ready for a race. (Hint, that was not the tip.) I get things ready the night before. I have the bags packed. I have the car ready. I have the bike(s) on the rack. I have water bottles in the fridge. I have the espresso machine prepped. Everything is exactly where it needs to be. That way, when I do to sleep, I have nothing to think about. I only have the race and sleep. All other worries have already been addressed.

I choose, on purpose, races that are within the 2-hour driving distance limit. I am too poor to constantly be spending the night in hotels. I am not popular enough to have many friends in other towns. I am too lazy to drive further or make new friends. The best reason I don't travel longer than 2 hours- I don't need to. There are lots of good races in the area within that radius, assuming that I am racing between June and mid-September.

This makes my morning routine, well, a routine. I change nothing. This is mostly because I am uncreative and boring. So, when something unexpected happens, I can look back and figure out what was different about the pre-race stuff. This is a foundation of scientific inquiry. Keep everything the same save one. If the results show improvement, you have a winner. If there is something substantial, this strongly correlates to causation. On the morning of the Summer Sizzler, there was something distinct. Something was wrong. The routine was off in one clear, distinct manner. And, as a result, I had a great performance. I am a better man for this event and I have the race results to prove it.

What Did NOT Happen
Research says that tapering and relaxing on the days prior to a race will yield strong results. As your body recovers from hard efforts, your muscles repair any damage, glycogen returns to the muscle cells, and your body adapts to the stress coming back even stronger. What did I do? I upped my training and worked out hard the days before the race in all 3 disciplines. Scratch that.

Caffeine is reported to have an ergonomic effect. The current line of thinking is that caffeine enhances fat burning capabilities while simultaneously blocking pain receptors. There is an upper limit to caffeine consumption and your body develops a resistance to caffeination. But, for this race, I was under caffeinated as compared to the norm. No research has yet proven (to the best of my knowledge) that a lack of caffeine is better. That idea is out.

Other Research
I know, get on with it, what actually makes you race even faster? Patience. I will get there. But, I want to make it abundantly clear that this is the reason, beyond any doubt, that caused my great race. And, I am certain, it will work for you.

Maslow- Most important on bottom

If you want to win, you will work at winning to the best of your ability. This can oft be cited as a 'need to win.' According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, certain needs trump others in a list of priority. For example, when you are hungry (such as starving), the need to be liked by your friends seems unimportant. Hunger trumps friendship. But, it you are hungry and drowning, the need for air wins. Breathing trumps hunger. Winning is on the list found at the top in the self-actualization area. Winning gets trumped by many other things, everything below it on the pyramid.

So, here I am at a sprint triathlon, and there is one aspect of the race that is different. This was the single, most important reason I was able to push the envelope and achieve a level never before seen by the Banter in a race. Pure Zen as I reflect back.

The Secret Happens Just Before the Race
The swim start was a run-from-the-shore time trial start. Here's where life got different and the big event was about to occur. We lined up on the beach and they sent us off in groups of three. But, in doing so, I didn't get a chance to warm up (Hint, the advise is not 'don't warm up'). This shouldn't matter anyway as I never actually warm up in the traditional sense of the word. I do tend to get in the water before the start. I get in the water mostly because they force us to start there. Otherwise, I'd probably stand on shore until the last possible moment then work my way to the front right before the gun.

Starting from the water has it's advantages. First, you get a chance to get used to the temperature. Now, if you're in a wetsuit, temperature acclimation is probably moot in all but the coldest of conditions. However, if you are going in your skivvies, knowing the temperature of the water is beneficial. I have a gasp reflex in cold water. Upon submerging my chest and head in chilly water, breathing becomes difficult. Picture a fish out of water, that's me in cold water. Unlike the fish, I get better after a brief period of time. The water temperature for this race had to be in the 70ºs, negating my reflex arc.

Something else happens when you enter warm water. You desire to, um, heed the call of the wild takes over. Triathletes are notorious for marking the swimming territory like a hound at a fire hydrant (some can even be caught lifting their legs). The lake, or in this case river, masks the pungent liquid in volume. Stop wrinkling your nose. This is a fact of life and a fact of racing. Get over it. When you think about it logically, the volume of urea produced by all of the athletes in a given race pales in comparison to the volume of water. There are more fish and other animals in the exact same area producing a higher amount of more concentrated waste than the racers could ever hope to supply. Further, many of the aquatic flora thrive on the gifts you have just given them (as evidenced by the amount of sea weed present in this specific race). So, you make think this habit is gross, when in reality, it is all in your mind.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that seconds before the race is the most satisfying time to release. You start the race with less pressure, at least in the bladder sense of the word. You also start a few ounces lighter. Yes, I am getting there. I know that this post is supposed to be about racing faster and somehow it's turned into a gross lecture on the benefits of leaving human waste for others to swim through.

Racing Under Pressure
In all honesty, I did not participate in this defiling of the Niagara River. We started from shore and I have enough humility not to pee myself on a beach in front of a few hundred racers and spectators. I prefer to pee myself in the relative anonymity of hiding in the water. From the moment I entered the water, I was in race mode. Urination requires relaxation. After the initial jog, I was racing hard and the furthest thing from my mind was relaxing. This is not to say that I didn't want to go. Just the opposite... before the swim start, I really wanted to go. Any practical joker can tell you that entering luke warm water, submerging your head and hands into what felt like a bath, served only to intensify the desire. It was hard to think of much else. Stroke, breath, God I have to pee. Stroke, breath, please let me go pee. Etcetera.

Once the swim was done, I frantically looked for a place to go. We jogged up the beach to transition. There were some scattered trees but the route took us next to a park. Several kids and moms were playing on the swings. Call it performance anxiety or call it a refusal to expose myself to women and children, I just couldn't do it.

While biking, I was hammering at the pedals. All the while, I was thinking, "Hmm, that tree looks like a good spot." Or, "I wonder how much time I'll lose if I duck in there." At the same time, I was passing people left and right. Alright, I was passing mostly left because passing on the right is an illegal pass according to USAT rules. I was stuck between 2 of Maslow's needs: winning versus peeing and peeing was winning. Then, a thought occurred to me. I thought, they have bathrooms at the bike area! This intensified my spirit. No longer was winning important to me. I had to get back to transition as quickly as possible. I hammered on.

Upon arriving to transition, I did a flying dismount and frantically searched for a port-a-potty. I couldn't find it. I was hurting and gasping for air from my bike effort. I donned my shoes, ran to the nearest volunteer and in broken breaths asked, "Which...<breath>...way...<breath>..." The volunteer cut me off.  "to... the... bathroom?" never escaped my lips. The man seemed to know what I was asking and pointed to the east. I ran hard. Yet, I did not see it. He definitely said it was this direction. About a quarter mile later, there was another volunteer pointing. I followed. I was on autopilot now. They could have steered me into an incinerator for all I cared. Winning was being trumped by bladder pressure. More volunteers. More pointing. Some actually wanted to give me water. I was trying to get rid of water. "No thanks," I gasped and grimaced.

As the pressure intensified, so did my heart rate. Here's my HR profile for the run portion of the race.

As you can see, by the end, I really had to go. My only thoughts were on the bathroom. I surged. I sprinted into the finish line. And I finally made it! I put an end to both the race and my misery.

Conventional wisdom says to take care of business before the race starts. But, based on the evidence and success at the Summer Sizzler, conventional wisdom has just been disproven. Do all the things I suggested at the beginning of this post (minus the drugs). But, come race day, do not relieve yourself. Let Maslow take over and I will personally guarantee success. You won't thank me for it. You'll probably curse me should you even attempt it. Not that I care. I am only interested in your success. Good luck and race under pressure. You will go faster than you ever thought possible.

Greatest Swimming Advice Ever

What I'm about to tell you has never before been put in print by a swimmer or a triathlete. It is a secret that has been handed down from generation to generation of swimmers. The only people who know this sacred bit of wisdom are swimmers or former-swimmers. Coaches will pull only the lucky few aside and share this with only the best of the best. The elite get eliter and the others get brushed by the wayside.

"Well then," you ask, "how is it that the Banter knows?" Whereas it's true that I was a former swimmer and have had many a coach over the years, it's also quite well known that I was not considered great. Elite was definitely not an adjective used to describe me. I may have been good. Fortunately, the word 'good' encompasses a spectrum of possibilities in which I might have snuck in at the end. I would accept that, at one point in my life, for a short period of time, I was something close to good.

Anyway, how do I know? It just so happened that one day, back in my days as a swimmer, as opposed to my former-swimmer present self, I had a coach who was privy to the secret knowledge. Or, at least I think he was. How he got it I was unsure. He had something and he was willing to share. Just not with me. Awkward on multiple levels. There was also a guy on the team who fit the description of the inner circle (translation, he was good, not marginally good). Truth be told, I had beaten that guy in a set on more than one occasion. And, since I'm writing truthfully, he was doing sculling drills and I was in a sprint set. But, a win is a win and I had won. So I got that snippet of bragging rights over this guy.

Well, one day I happened to be walking past coach's office on my way to class. This was in college and even though I was a Division I, NCAA Student Athlete, general education requirements forced me to take a physical education class. Our school offered the most ridiculous PE options, such as weight lifting and theory of sport. Seriously? How do those classes have practical world applications? But, requirements are just that, required. It was obvious at that stage of my life that a career as a professional swimmer was likely out of the question. I did not even bother retaining an agent nor entering my name independently into the Pro Swimmer's Draft, a decision that I regret to this day. You never know. Regardless, I was requisitioned to a PE class.

As I was heading towards the weight room (I opted not to take theory), I noticed that Coach's door was slightly ajar. I had full intention on wasting time before class by talking theory with Coach (I know, the irony). I could hear Coach talking in hushed tones. Now, if ever you want someone to listen, you should drop your voice and whisper. People will think it's important and strain extra hard to hear what you are saying (that was a free tip and not the intention of this message). Through the crack in the door, I could see that he was talking to one of the guys on my team. I was waiting for the right moment to knock and announce my presence. I am ashamed to admit that I was satisfied in my eavesdropping at the time.

"Here's what all the great swimmers know. All of them. Mark Spitz, Pablo Morales, Jenny Thompson. Hell, even Natalie Coughlin and Michael Phelps know this." Coach said.

I could plainly see that Coach had my teammate's attention as well as mine. I was even more surprised at the naming of Phelps and Coughlin. Not because of their swimming status but because this was the early 90's, Michael was only about 5 years old and Natalie was 8. Sure, they could still have beaten me in the water but that's getting a little off topic.

"There is a life of swimming after swimming," Coach continued. Then he launched into a tale of epic proportions. I am not a detail-oriented guy and some of the exact words are lost in the jungle of brain rot I have swishing in my cranium. I am, to the best of my knowledge, a good paraphraser and generally get the gist of the message even when the specifics are blurred.

Coach's story told of adults that joined adult teams at non-competitive pools. They had community pools and these things called "YMCAs". (Aside: I had to look up the latter only to realize that the YMCA was synonymous with the Y. Apparently, the national governing body had decided that YMCA was too long to write and to pronounce resulting in a name change to just one letter. End aside.) There's also a good chance that this pool is not within walking distance from campus (although, he may have said house). You have to drive. And, there's a good chance that you'll be swimming in the morning because the afternoon times are controlled by screaming children. And, there is also a good chance that your suit will be semi-wet upon changing. Finally, there's a chance that you don't like donning a cold, wet suit. Coach was taking a lot of chances here, which turned out to be true on all accounts.

Here's the Ancient Swimming Advice:
Place your suit on the dashboard of your car while commuting to the pool. Turn on the heat to defrost. By the time you arrive at the pool, the suit will have absorbed and stored some of the heat making it wonderfully pleasant to your boys or lady spot.

Up until that point, I had been putting on a cold, wet suit which was not fun for my boys. I can't imagine it would be good for your lady spot (assuming any ladies actually read my blog, swim, and have sensitive lady spots). So now, I faithfully drive to the Y, happily dropping 3 letters from my vocabulary, place the suit on the dash, and defrost set to full heat and high. Upon arrival, I look forward to pulling on that warm, fresh-out-of-the-dryer lycra jammer. My lady spot boys have never complained since.

Now, if only I could remember what Coach said about staring at the water for 10 minutes before jumping in, out of fear that the water may be cold, especially when you know that the water temps are super high. That would be a good story to tell too.

Obscure Training Advice- Running

I consider myself a veteran of the sport. I have no idea if the title actually applies, but I’ve been triathloning for roughly 12 years. All of that has been self-coached. This may sound impressive, but in all reality, I’ve made mistakes. Lots of mistakes. Big mistakes. Small mistakes. Medium mistakes. There’s a good chance that I’ve made more mistakes than the average guy. But, I also have a science background, which is to say that I am a nerd. Science nerds don’t get deflated by mistakes, they learn and try again. Which begets more mistakes. Which begets more learning. Which…okay, you get the point.

After mistaking/ learning enough, you get confident that you know enough to start imparting your mistake wisdom onto others. Unfortunately, lots of other people have already started this process. Curse that infernal Internet and the information age in which we now live, my niche on the computer has been usurped by countless others who have probably made more mistakes that me and are definitely smarter (nerdier?). That doesn’t mean I won’t try.

Let’s play a game:

Question 1- If you want good training advice, where can you look?

Answer- If you answer Tri-Banter, then you have deluded yourself, because its not here. Check out the giants of the sport, such as the Friels, the Scotts (take your pick), the Nation, the Greenfield, and many more. They are making a living at selling advice. Some of it is quite good.

Question 2- What advice can I actually provide for you that they can’t?

            Answer- Obscure Training Advice/ Tips. These are the minutia detalia. They are so miniscule that the big boys and girls can’t sell them in their books or on their sites. For example:

Obscure Running Tip:

            Criterion 1- Running in the dark

            Criterion 2- Running outside

Criterion 3- Availability of a sidewalk

Which way do you run?

Suppose it’s wintertime. If you are running outside, then there’s a good chance it’s dark. The sun is only up for little more than 8 hours anyway and most of us work for a living, or occupy our time doing something that resembles work anyway. If you are a morning person or afternoon person, the conditions are relatively similar, dark or almost dark. Humans in general are uncomfortable with the dark. Darkness is the root of all evils such as Satan and Ozzy Osborn. Darkness steals the ability of our light receptors mounted below our foreheads’ ability to do their job properly. We try to banish our Vader with a little bit of our own Yoda that we call lights (see, Stars Wars reference to solidify my nerdship). We put lights everywhere, including on the athlete’s number one nemesis, cars.

Let’s assume that you are going for a run and it’s dark outside. There’s bound to be cars as they are everywhere. Now, you are ready to pick your route. You are a safe runner. You need to make a decision on your direction.

Here’s the tip: Run on the sidewalk with traffic instead of against traffic. The reason why- Should you decide to run against traffic, the lights closest to you will be in your eyes. This is especially apparent when it’s just you, the car, and its high beams. If you run with traffic, the lights of the vehicles closest to you will be at your back. The lights of the vehicles coming at you will be across the street. The vehicles at your back will illuminate your path. Those pesky high beams will allow you to see further. Make the cars work FOR you, not against you.

Running is fun and challenging. I can’t imagine why you’d want to purposefully blind yourself. Yes, running and not seeing is also a challenging sport, one that I’d prefer to avoid at this time.

I hope you have learned a little from this Obscure Training Advice. Check back later so that I can enlighten you further and help you avoid making more of the mistakes I have endured.