A Visit From the Triathlon Fairy

Once upon a time, in a land known as the armpit of America not so far from here, there lived a an idiot triathlete named the Banter. The Banter was a mediocre athlete with virtually no talent and a penchant to continue to toe the line year after year with no real results to speak of. But you could always count on him to be middle of the pack to front of the middle of the pack or back of the front of the pack. But never packing.  Every so often, if the right people signed up for a different race than the one that featured the Banter, he would have a sparkle of success, which kept him motivated to continue to train and race for years to come.

That was before the dark times. See, the Banter started to get old. And with great age comes great vulnerability, only the Banter wasn't smart enough to recognize it. He got injured. A lot. More so in the past 5 years than the rest of his athletic life combined. He trained on like he was young and virile. He was neither.  He assumed that each and every injuric episode was an isolated, freak incident with no rhyme or reasoning attached. He didn't realize that once you start to have multiple freak episodes, they are immune to the term 'freak' and are replaced with the word 'normal'.

One day, after his most recent 'freak' episode, the Banter was getting desperate for some good news on his prognosis. He did what most idiots people do,  he fired up the googler. Upon typing in a few key phrases, it turns out that the Banter, apparently, had less than two weeks left to live. "That's odd," thought the Banter, "This is just lower leg pain. I had no idea it could be so life threatening." The googler was clear, death was imminent.  "Oh boy, what ever shall I do?" thought the Banter.

Upon that query, out popped a beautiful lady with tiny running shoes and lycra cycling shorts. "I am the Triathlon Fairy tasked with overseeing the wellness of the athletes, lest our sport continue its fall from grace. What ails you, my child?"

The Banter was speechless. For one, he's not used to hot chicks talking to him on purpose. Most of the time, it's borne out of obligation and, even then, accomplished with the utmost hesitancy. For two, why would fairies even participate in swimming, biking, and/ or running when they can fly, or blink, or whatever they do for travel? For three, there's someone outside of sport that cares about the maintenance of the field? For four, there was a triathlon grace with which to fall? This was a perplexing situation.

"Hello," said the Triathlon Fairy, "Are you there?"

The Banter blinked himself back into reality. "Well, TF, I do have some problems. How long do you have?"

The fairy sensed a trap, as she was significantly smarter than the Banter (which isn't difficult to accomplish). "Please limit your concerns to physical, sport related concerns. I'm due in upstate Pennsylvania tomorrow evening. And don't call me TF. It's insulting."

Sigh, thought the Banter. Another hot chick that's clearly in a hurry to get away to find another dude (he assumed that her next client was a male, since boys dominate the sport by about 3 to 1). And all of this after 60 seconds of interaction. That's a new record for holding their attention. Score a point for the Banter!

"Well, I have this rotator cuff problem in my left shoulder," said the Banter. Dammit, he thought, because where else would you have a rotator cuff problem? The shoulder is the only option. Surely someone of infinite beauty and intelligence would have known that. This is the reason the womens flock in the opposite direction.

"When does this 'problem' occur?" asked the Triathlon Fairy.

"Pretty much only when I'm swimming," replied the Banter.

"That does pose a problem. Swimming is one of the vital components of triathlon. It's a shame that most triathletes don't fully get that. They prefer to think that, just because it's less that 10% of the overall race, that it only affects 10% of the outcome. Triathletes never were an intelligent breed."

The Triathlon Fairy produced a stick and majestically raised it up. The Banter thought that she was going to bash it into his head and be done with him. He ducked and exclaimed, "Wait, I have more problems."

The look of frustration on the Triathlon Fairy was palpable. She paused, "What else do you have?"

"Well, I have this forearm tendonitis in my right arm, just below my elbow. It mostly pains me when I'm gripping the handlebars of my bike."

Again, the Triathlon Fairy raised her stick, this time with much verve. The Banter winced, awaiting the blow. The croaked, "And..."

She lowered he stick. "There's more?"

"Yes," answered the Banter. "I have this ankle pain. It feels like pins and needles when I try to run."

The Triathlon Fairy looked at him with a gleam of curiosity. "Let me get this straight, you have an injury that's holding you back in swimming. A different one that kicks in when you're biking. AND another that limits your running? Have you tried to strengthen your muscles, bones, and tendons by lifting some weights or something?"

"Yes, triathlon fairy!" said the Banter, who was clearly getting excited that he was able to keep the hottie in his vicinity for a few more minutes.

"And, did that work?" asked the Triathlon Fairy.

"I don't know," said the Banter. "I do know that, as a result of lifting, I now have an achilles tendon strain that hurts when I walk. Lifting hurt me in a different spot but it might have helped on the others. I'm not really sure."

"So, to recap, you can't reach your potential in the swim due to a shoulder problem. You are suffering on the bike due to a forearm problem. You can't really run much due to a chronic ankle problem and an acute achilles problem? It hurts even to walk?"

The Banter smiled, mostly because he thought the Triathlon Fairy just called him a cute. "Yes Triathlon Fairy. I think that covers it. I also have some mental/ emotional concerns I'd like to share with you..."

There was an immediate flash of dread in her eyes that cut him off. It was followed by a look of resolve, "I've got just the thing to solve all of your problems. When I'm done, you'll be an improved triathlete forever." With that, the Triathlon Fairy raised her stick one last time. With a tiny flourish, she swished her swoosher and disappeared, lest the Banter continue to dive into his head problems, which would ensure that she'd be late for her next appointment, possible her next several appointments. He's a mess.

The Banter felt something change inside of him, but he was hunting to figure out what it was. Was his shoulder feeling better? He mimicked a few freestyle strokes. Sure enough, on the pull phase he felt a sting of unhappiness, a sure indication that there was no change there. He massaged his right forearm, just below his elbow. Yup, still highly tender. He got off his recliner and took a few steps towards the kitchen, where the wine is stored. His ankles gave out three times in twelve steps, which is par for the course. During the other nine steps, his left achilles was screaming at him with every push off. Did she change his threshold for pain? Nope. Did she reduce his healing time? Unlikely. Did she make him any faster? Doubtful. Did she make him slower? Impossible.

He returned to his recliner, donning a fresh glass of red. With that elixir in hand, he figured it out. It's clear that she used her magic to remind the Banter's of his expectations for what makes a successful season. He decided to open up his goals sheet for the 2020 season and he gazed upon the big ones. The Banter's major goals for himself and everyone he advises, for every season, are as follows:

-Don't die
-Have fun on the journey
-Enjoy sport so that you want to do it again next year

All other details in sport pale in comparison. The Triathlon Fairy helped the Banter remember what was important in life.

Then he went back to the googler to figure out how to live past Thanksgiving. The news wasn't as good as his goals. Having forgotten the entire Triathlon Fairy encounter, he started to daydream. He still hoped to set a PR or two in the up-and-coming year and pondered how to accomplish this on injury topped upon injury. Remember... I told you he wasn't that smart.

WW- Not Dying

It's right around now that the smart people of sport start making plans for their 2013 season. When you start making plans for a season, there's a few assumptions that need to be made:

• You know how to make goals
• You know how to make plans
• You know what needs to be done to achieve your goals
• You actually have a 2013 season to plan
• You are not an idiot

Exactly none of these bullets apply to me. How do I know? I reviewed my goals for 2012. You can read about them here. I achieved almost none of them. Almost.

See, there are a few goals that I set every year. And I think that you should set them too. My annual goals always start with:

1. Not die
2. Have fun
3. Not get injured
4. Finish the season with enough positive vibes to want to do it again next year

Starting from the bottom up, I definitely want to do triathlons again. Success. I didn't really get injured. Success. I most certainly had fun. Success. And, I'm pretty sure I didn't die. Success. After all of those successes, the rest of the performance goals really don't matter all that much.

Triathloning is an addictive hobby. I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't place any weight on fast times or beating my fellow competitors to the line. I want to be fast and I want to win. Such is the nature of sport. I'd also be lying if I told you that I got grumpy when I was slow or when I lost. If that were true, I'd be a perma-grump. Since, that's not the case, I'll go back to staying alive.

Staying alive these days is a challenge. It seems like the number of ways to meet your maker is increasing. The nominations for the 2012 Darwin Awards have not been made available. (Darwin was a triathlete, in case you didn't know.) But, you can read through the list of old recipients and see how fickle life really is.

As opposed to the Darwin winners, continuing to breathe is really just a matter of common sense. Be smart people. Why? Because there are lots of dumb ways to die.

All you need to do for a successful season is follow the advice from the funky little bubble figures and your 2013 will be fruitful. Good luck to you and me both.

WW- How NOT To Get in Shape

Welcome to my 3rd year of blogging. I am super excited to continue this thrilling endeavor in which I create fascinating, high quality, first class entertainment! At least for me. My guess is that it's semi-amusing for you, which is still pretty good in my opinion.

We have reached the time of year when a vast majority of people have started on a new adventure of their own that will conclude roughly 2-3 weeks from yesterday. You know what I'm talking about- New Year's Resolutions.

If you hit the reputable sports blogs or the nationally credited experts, they are chalked full of ideas on how to get started, how to keep it up, and new/ improved fitness ideas that are guaranteed to keep you motivated as you guide yourself towards the best you ever- all in about 6 minutes a day. I couldn't possibly compete with that, could I?

According to statistics that I have refused to research, most people have set exercise goals. They want to lose weight, fit into their favorite jeans, or smoke the Banter in a race. Roughly 95% of all the fitness goals that I didn't look up require swimming, biking, running, or lifting weights. Again, most people fall of the workout wagon before they have actually arrived to the barn. I think I know why...

The biggest reason that people don't achieve their goals is that they are afraid that they won't fit in with the regulars. See, contrary to popular habits, there are those who stay in shape year-round. We have names/ titles for these dedicated individuals: Hard-Cores. Regulars. Meat-heads. Die Hards. Bloggers. A bunch of people that I didn't talk to cited that they weren't sure how to behave amongst the natives.

I happen to agree with them. I don't know how to behave either. However, I do find that I am relatively comfortable in exercise laden environments. That's because I know how NOT to behave. And, it's just your luck that I am going to share some of them with you.

Here's how not to behave as a runner:

Here's how not to behave at the pool:

Here's how not to behave in the weight room:

Oddly, there are no "not to's" for cycling. Anything goes in that sport. It's all good. For the other areas, all you have to do is not to be that guy. If you hold true to that, you'll fit in nicely with the goobers who have been willfully paying full price on their gym memberships, including the joiners' fee, for many years in a row, without regret. And, isn't that the guy you really want to become anyway? (Especially true for my lady readers out there).

2012 Performace Goals

Goal setting is what defines the difference between working out and training. Training is basically working out with a purpose. The purpose? Achieving your goals.

The most intelligent of goal setters follow a few simple rules. First, goals are SMART (simple, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely). Meaning that the goals are something you can actually do in the course of a season. Second, goals should not depend on other people. You should be able to accomplish your goals without the mishaps of someone else. Third, don't set too many goals for a season. There's only so much you can expect to accomplish. Prioritize your desires to the top three. Achieve those goals and you can set new ones.

Now that I've given you a brief synopsis of how to set good goals, I should warn you: I don't follow these rules very well. I am a crappy goal setter. I have my own version of a Top Ten list.

My 2012 Performance Goals
1. Not die
2. Have fun
3. Not get injured
4. Finish the season with enough positive vibes to want to do it again next year
5. Sub 10 hour IMLP (PR is sitting at 11:33)
6. Sub 4:45 HIM (PR at 5:08)
7. Sub 20 minute 5k (not accomplished since HS and then only once)
8. Sub 20 5k in sprint tri
9. Sub 44 10k in Oly (I would add sub 44 in an open 10k but I really don't want to sign up for that)
10. Non-AG podium finish in any race (PR is 4th place)


Keep in mind that my goals #1-4 are the same every season and I believe that they should be the same universally. Goal 5 has been a long standing goal and is the drive for all the other goals on the list. Goal 6 is a benchmark for goal 5. Goals 7-9 could be condensed into one goal and are a means to an end (goal 5). Goal 10, even though it violates the third rule of goal setting, is just because I'm stubborn and I want it.

So, when you look at the list, I really have some universally accepted sport behaviors. I have 1 real goal. I have 4 benchmarks. And I have one desire. Maybe I didn't do so bad at goal setting after all.