Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Ego Blanket

Here's the thing: the more I think about it, the more power the Ego Gene garners. For those of you who are new to the blog, here's a review of the Male Ego Gene.

The Male Ego Gene Explained- Excerpt from a Prior Post 1
Midway down the Y-chromosome, they discovered the male-ego gene.  Later studies indicate how the gene works. The gene is automatically turned on in the presence of women. The hotter the female, or the larger number of females, the harder the gene works. The ego gene is also activated in the presence of children and other men whose gene has also been activated. The gene is inactive when you are alone or in the presence of your Mommy. Don't ask. I don't fully understand it either. But, I do know that since I live with a hot chick (AKA the Wife), am a teacher, and my Mommy lives 550 miles away, my ego-gene is running the equivalent of 20 hours per day, 7 days a week. 

The Competition Addendum- Excerpt From a Prior Post 2
See, in addendum to the male-ego gene is a small portion on the end which controls competition. The competition addendum states that people are supposed to be behind you, not in front. Make sure it happens...Yes, I want to beat that 5'4" girl running in pigtails and pink clothes. Yes, if that 11 year old boy beats me it will be a blow to my manhood.
New Research
I remember, back in the years when I both was prone to imbibe and socialize, we could go outside when the temperature was lower than our normal threshold. This phenomenon is commonly referred to as the "Beer Jacket". In reality, ethanol doesn't actually provide any heat. It acts as a vaso-dilator. This is good to know in case you need your vasos opened up. The hops only gave you the illusion of warmth, with your heme hanging out near the surface of your dermis.

Well, according to the Journal of Obscure Research (the leading source for Male Ego Gene knowledge), the Male Ego has realistic heating powers. According to the abstract:
In the presence of Male Ego activating factors, special proteins in the blood bind with adrenaline receptors inducing a hormonal response. In our study, participants were subjected to various response factors (hot chicks, blokes who may be better at sports, kids who look to them as role models, etc). Subjects were then placed in controlled environments with varying temperatures. In an overwhelming majority of instances (+90%) as compared to the control group (who where not subjected to said factors), activated Male Ego Geners were more tolerant to cold temperatures than their non-activated counterparts.
This research was proven by yours truly in a recent field test. As the winter refuses to fully go away, I was subjected to lower than normally tolerated temperatures at the Flower City Duathlon. The morning temperature was a blustery 38º. Normally, at that temperature, I would subject my bike to the basement instead of risking the cold. I'm pretty sure the carbon and the other components don't appreciate the cold. Therefore, the basement is less of a pansy move and more of a preventative move. I've checked the JOOR but there has not been much research on the performance of overpriced bikes in various temperatures. Anecdotal evidence indicates that under 40º is not for biking outside.

Unfortunately, the race organizers didn't take my pansiness into consideration and they let the race go on as planned. Here was my race outfit.
  1. Long Sleeved technical shirt (not the free one given with my entry fee)
  2. Long Sleeved cotton shirt
  3. Riding jersey (with convenient back pockets)
  4. Tri-shorts
  5. Biking tights
  6. Smart wool socks
  7. Shoes with toe covers
All of those were worn on the run. Now, normally during the runs near freezing, I would also include head warmers and running gloves. As I lined up near the starting line, I noticed the number of guys in my age group. I looked behind me and saw numerous ladies, too many to count. On the side lines were several kids, I'm guessing offspring of some of these participants. I admit that they could have been strays in the middle of the city on a cool Sunday morning, but I'm skeptical. Regardless of the reason of the youngins, they rounded out the trifecta of Male Ego activation.

Thus, I was not cold. I was actually comfortable bordering on warm. I might have been over-dressed. And this was before we started running. As the race was in its final countdown and transition was a few hundred yards away, I was forced to keep the outer layers. The ear covers and gloves were not needed and relegated to the back jersey pockets.

Once Run 1 was completed, I had planned on full gloves, jacket, and ear things. Because there were guys in transition and kids cheering (the ladies started 2 heats back and had not caught up to me yet), the Ego Gene was still running with the Competition Addendum in full swing. Temperature was of no consequence. I decided that the ear things were still a good idea (allowing logic to have a say in this race). But, I dropped the jacket and full gloves, opting for the regular biking gloves (you know, the ones with no fingers). The Competition Addendum kept me warm throughout the entire bike.

Run 2 was as good as it got. I was feeling good. I even passed a few guys. Once I got chicked, about 2 miles into the run and roughly three-quarters of a mile before the finish, I was completely warm. My warmth may have been created by all that exercise. It might have also been due to the embarrassment of said chicking (again, its genetic, don't blame me). The leading research says that the heat was a consequence of the Ego.

As you can see, the Male Ego gene is quite powerful. It increases heart rate, blood pressure, fat-burning, and now temperature tolerance. It encourages higher levels of competition and forces dudes to act in ways that they would not normally consider. Some women experience symptoms similar to the Male Ego gene, but science has just started to focus on that phenomenon. Still, the impact of the Male Ego gene is amazing. Take me, for instance. The Ego Gene was the sole factor I completed the race instead of hanging out in the car with the heater blaring or heading out to the coffee shop for my favorite chocolate flavored caffeine. Like it or not, I've got it and it's in control.

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