As we grow nearer the starting gun, she seems to be getting nervous about the race. Yet, she's not the type to express her nervousness in the usual ways. Here's an email expressing how she might lose control of her bodily functions sometime in the near future. It is reprinted with permission and name was changed to protect the innocent. See if you can figure out which one is she.
So what do all of these people have in common:Blatant fear in this message. I sometimes wish that athletes would be less cryptic. Still, half of the fun of coaching is to solve the puzzle called 'athlete'. And, as a coach, it's my responsibility to not only guide my athletes towards their goals and encourage them, but also to read between the lines and quell their fears.
THAT'S RIGHT BABY, WE'RE ALL RUNNING NYC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it wrong to poop my pants when I see them fly by me??
Since there's a good chance that you do not yet possess the skill and knowledge to fully understand the hidden woes of an athlete, I'll help you out. By dissecting this message, we can ascertain the following:
- She does her research and knows her competition.
- She has a secret crush on Ryan Hall. She didn't list him first because she didn't want to be too obvious.
- She knows I have a secret crush on Kara Goucher. How she figured it out is anyone's guess. Still, correct assumption on her part.
- She wants to move to Africa. Not now, but soon.
- She knows that she's an awesome athlete, but is afraid her endurance will run out, thus allowing some inferior athletes to catch her.
- She thinks that, by unloading during the second half of the race, she can shed some weight thus increasing her leg:weight power ratio and improving her speed/ endurance.
- This is the main reason she'll succeed. Always know your competition. In her office, she has each one of these athlete's pictures posted and spends 5 minutes per day staring at them while growling. (All except for bachelorette number 4. That picture has, err, mysteriously, umm, disappeared.)
- Ryan Hall is nothing to be ashamed about. If it wasn't for the fact that he's a dude... (I'll stop there)
- She has been ordered to take several pictures from various angles of Kara.
- Humans evolved in Africa. Plus, their winters are significantly shorter than here. Not a bad idea.
- None of the names on her list are in her age group. Even if they do happen to pass her (possible, but unlikely), she'll still be in line to get a token finisher's medal and a potential plastic trophy. That should ease her mind.
- Since she has not trained in poopy pants, I do not recommend that she try in out during the race. If she wants to poop and run, she has to do it at least 3 times and log her experience before it can be race ready. Until then, all unloading should be placed in the proper receptacle. Also, there's dehydration problems to consider.