Monday, March 20, 2017

March Madness: BotCC- Round 1

I'm a science teacher by trade and one of the concepts I try to instill upon the youths is bribery for grades exists that there is an art to doing good science. It's nearly impossible to get every aspect correct but we do our best. While conducting the March Madness- Battle of the Crotch Creams, I wanted the competition to be about the lube in the tube so I eliminated as many potential irritants as possible.

Conditions kept constant:

  • Workout Duration- All cycling sessions will be 60 minutes
  • Workout Intensity- I'm doing my traditional warm up followed by 7 min at ~230 watts and 3 minutes ~120-150 watts (watts= how much work). This should end the workout at around 200 watts (NP for those of you who care about these types of data)
  • Workout Location- In the torture chamber
  • Cycling clothes- I actually purchased a couple of new tri shorts for this occasion (pictured here). And no, you have not seen that couch on internet auditions.
  • Level of Pansiness- I've tried to change this, unsuccessfully, for years now. I guess I'm stuck with it.

Conditions that varied:

  • Temperature- Hey, I live in the hell hole NY. It's out of my control.
  • Type of Crotch Cream- Hence, the purpose of this effort
  • Amount of Crotch Soreness- Measured several ways, but only a few will actually be reported.

Round 1- Assos versus Chamois Butt'r

The top seed in the bracket and all around tournament favorite is Assos Chamois Creme. (Technically, there's one of those accent thingies over the the first e in creme, making you think it should be pronounced something like 'krem-ay' with a pretentious, rich person accent. In reality, it's a product of Switzerland. Sorry, the tub of goo does not come with a wine bottle opener.)

I smeared on about a teaspoon of white sauce in the nether regions and did the following ride on Tuesday morning.

As you can see, it's everything that was advertised. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Enough with the ride, how's your taint?" As if I needed the encouragement, I felt down yonder. The previously smothered bits were still nicely slick. There was minimal to no soreness.

As far as I'm concerned, this sets the benchmark against which all other krem-ays will be compared. Which conveniently segues into the next test.

The second seed, or bottom, or last (depending on your level of pessimism, is Chamois Butt'r. Chamois Butt'r and I have a long history together. I have completed no less than 6 Ironman rides (which are 112 miles, in case you didn't know) while straddling the CB. But wait, there's more. See, you cannot just do those rides. In theory, you should also train for them. Chamois Butt'r has graced my crotch for thousands of miles. I don't really know why I switched, to be honest.

On Friday afternoon, which was St. Patrick's Day, I set forth on this ride.

As you can see, this ride was a smidgeon less powerful. This may or may not have been caused by some gluttony and imbibing with coworkers in celebration of our day of doing nothing the holiday. The ride started out with me wondering why on Earth did I even think to change lubes. With every move left and right, the slither was exquisite. The honeymoon ended right around the 40 minute mark. That's when the slip and slide effect wore off and friction started to build. By the end of the ride, it was clear that I needed to reapply or get a tougher southland. A quick fingertip fondle revealed that there was indeed soreness where none existed before. One would think that my blood alcohol content would have helped numb the senses but, alas, it wasn't so. And finally I remembered why I switched. (See comment on BAC)

At the end of Round 1, the clear winner was the #1 seed Assos Chamois Krem-Ay.

Stay tuned for Round 2, when the Banter tries out alternate options so you don't have to.

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