Here’s the thing: You and I aren’t that different when it
comes to March Madness. I haven’t watched a single moment of the basketball
tournament. You haven’t watched a single minute of my working out. How in the
world would we get the results of either? Read about them on the internet of
course!
When last we checked in on the Battle of the Crotch Creams,
the number 1 seed Assos had firmly defeated the old pro Chamois Butt’r. This was
to be expected and there was no Cinderella story here (unless, of course, you
count my bits turning into something pumpkin-like once the 2nd ride
was complete). In the Skin Cream Bracket, the contenders included the top of
the line diaper rash goo as the number 1 seed versus a slick yet moisturizing
balm found in the pet section.
First up, Desitin.
There were a literal gazillion gallons of
this stuff sold throughout the world on an annual basis. Luckily for Desitin,
people keep breeding. Babies are pretty much undeveloped cyclists. Both
typically sport shorts with an extra thick lining. Both are notoriously bad at
crotch region hygiene. To test the cream in action, I did this ride.
This was an uncomfortable experience start to finish. In the
beginning, I had to apply the sauce between my legs. Whereas I’m typically happy
when I reach my hands in that area of my body, the addition of this white stuff
drastically changed the situation. The cream has an initial silky texture that is almost immediately altered upon skin contact. It’s possible that they have some sort of drying
agent hidden in a moisturizing cream. This was quite apparent due to the
tingling in my fingers. (Ironically, there was none of that tingling down
below.)
I set this cream up for success. With Monday as an off day,
the crotch was ready for a pounding without being pre-sore. Sadly, the cream
provided little to no relief on the ride. The friction built rather quickly and
soreness was the norm for the ride. I finished the work and walked away from
the bike a little more bull-legged than normal.
I also noticed a couple of oddities. First, my bike seat was a
little more white than normal. I’m interpreting this to mean that there is next
to no adhesive quality to the cream and it squished itself out. Second, my tri
shorts were also more white than normal, a phenomenon I’ve not experienced
since…
The second seed in this bracket is Bag Balm. I discovered
this product reading about chamois cream alternatives on the internet.
Basically, someone asked a question to a forum of riders, “How do you lube your
crotch?” (I’m paraphrasing.) There were several suggestions and Bag Balm was a
repeated answer. I’d never heard of the stuff before. When I asked someone at
the grocery store, they located it in the pet aisle next to the dog biscuits. I
kinda wonder how the people recommending this product discovered it in the
first place. (I don’t think I’ll be doing an alternative nutrition query any
time soon.)
Bag Balm is the thickest salve in the group. It’s also the
only non-white contender. It presents as a super thick petroleum jelly with a
minty scent. I had to apply more than expected pressure into the tin in order
to get a similar amount of substance to transfer to the nether regions. Here’s the ride data:
I was pleasantly surprised by Bag Balm’s performance. It
stayed in place for the entire ride. Despite the fact that I was still smarting
from the beating I received during the Desitin test, the perineum felt better
after the ride than before. And, as opposed to smelling like I had a rash, I
still sported a minty freshness. This might be the first time that I wasn’t
rancid after a ride.
On the downside, Bag Balm was a little stickier than the
other creams. The chamois pad stayed in place due to the adhesive properties of
the balm. There was a small bit of rubbing on some non-contact areas of the
southern states. Despite this flaw in performance, Bag Balm destroyed Desitin
in this bracket.
I did do another week’s worth of testing, Bag Balm versus
Assos. Here are the rides, just in case you think I’m making this up.
Bag Balm Championship Round
Since I’ve been doing this field-testing for about a month
now, the results were unremarkable. Assos won the tournament in a decisive
victory over BB. If the competition were based solely on smell, the Balm would
have won (Assos is neutral while Bag Balm hints of food). I’ll likely keep Bag
Balm in my transition bag in case of emergency or for possibly post-race smell
masking. I’ll continue to use Assos on a regular basis.
Here is the awards ceremony:
Assos gets the top of the podium
Bag Balm on the double stack
Chamois Butt’r sits the single stack
Desitin gets to watch longingly for some bling.
P.S. Does anyone want to buy a tub of mostly full Desitin?
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