Monday, March 11, 2013

Who Infected Me?

It takes something big to keep me from exercising. Two or three days means something huge must have hit me. And, just like H.G. Wells hypothesized, most of the time the biggest obstacles are Mother Nature's smallest members. Worse, they don't even have to be alive. Let's try and figure out which bastard took me out for an entire week.

My Symptoms
A week ago Saturday, I had a great training day. On Sunday morning, I woke up to lethargy and the beginnings of a sore throat. I forced myself to go for a run. Oddly, it went well (I'm not much of a runner). I did some speed work and my legs felt great. By the time I returned from my cool down, my head was swimming. I had planned for a bike ride on the trainer. It never happened.

By Monday, the flood gates known as my schnoz had opened up full force. I was in disbelief that a human could manufacture so much mucus. For those of you who own stock in Proctor & Gamble, the company that makes Puff's brand facial tissue- you're welcome. I couldn't sleep through all of the snot and managed roughly 15 minutes of shut eye.

Tuesday morning I felt better. Therefore, I went to work. By 10:00, I was sliding downhill. By 2:00, my head was swimming in the goo (figuratively and literally). The body was getting achy. The headache had started. I took my temp after I got home: 101.0º. Advil and a decongestant and still no sleep.

I decided not to go to work on Wednesday. I hooked the Netflix up to the TV and watched such flicks as "Trailer Park Boys" (which, at the time I thought absolutely hysterical. Mind you, I had not slept for about 60 hours now).

Thursday I dragged myself to work knowing that I had a light schedule and could avoid the masses. In hindsight, this was a mistake. I stayed awake again that night regretting the decision.

On Friday, the headache had intensified. Mostly, I think, because I was still laughing at some of the movies I watched on Wednesday. I.E. I was becoming delusional.

By Saturday, I was coming out of my dementia. I had still not really slept, receiving roughly 4 broken hours the night before. How did I know I was getting better? I started to watch "Hot Tub Time Machine" and turned it off. Still, I did not move more than 15 feet from my sofa the entire day.

On Sunday, it was in the 50ºs outside and I forced myself to go for a bike ride. Had I known that time on the open road was my key to a cure, I would have done it sooner.

Bachelor #1- Small Pox
This is the small pox virus. Once this nasty little bugger gets inside of you, it marinades in the body for about 12 days. After the grace period, it decides to work its way out. Pustules filled with human tissue give the pox it's name.

Along with the pustules, one can expect a fever, muscle pain, headache, and respiratory problems. This bad boy may have been responsible for every know plague in the history of mankind, wiped out the Mayans, and given rise to what is commonly referred to as CrossFit.

Other common poxes include cowpox and monkeypox. (I only state that as I really like saying monkeypox. Otherwise, that factoid contributes absolutely nothing to this post.)

It is also noted that infected individuals are not interested in triathlon related activities.

Bachelor #2- Influenza
This sticky little devil is oft known by its abbreviated moniker of "The Flu". Most people associate the flu with stomach pains and vomiting. This is mostly untrue as that is the main result of reading this blog. The flu is the big, mean, older brother of the cold.

Shortly after this guy gets into the system, one can expect fever, headache, restlessness, sore throat, congestion, and an overwhelming desire to watch bad movies.

Apparently, there are several incarnations of this virus, including swine, bird, horse, and dog. As of this posting, monkeys are safe.

Bachelor #3- Ebola
As you can see, ebola gives the impression of being athletic. It's whip-like structure is lean and fast. In the beginning of it's tenure, one can expect to feel like you have the flu (see above). As life digresses, the digestive system gets into the mix by refusing to accept any new nutrition and violently expelling existing debris. (It's almost the exact same phenomena one can expect when experimenting with new nutrition ideas on race day.)

As time progresses, the nervous system joins the game by giving you agitation, confusion, fatigue, and possibly coma. Again, this is not much different that the average Ironman competition or training weekend.

This virus was pretty much the main character in "The Hot Zone", which also featured monkeys.

And the Winner is...

I was going with smallpox for a while. As it turned out, my pustules were actually a couple of zits that had formed on my nose (due to all of that rubbing and blowing) and forehead (cause uncertain at this time so not completely ruling out this virus). Further, the last know natural smallpox incident happened in 1977.

I had considered ebola for a while. However, I never got any digestive problems. In fact, quite the opposite. My hunger never subsided. I laid/ moped around for 6 days on no exercise and a full appetite. You'd think that watching the movies alone was enough to make me vomit. Nope. The gastric juices flowed and stayed firmly in their designated areas while I engluttoned myself shamelessly.

Influenza was the only one that fit the bill. I had pretty much everything on the list. Plus, it's the only virus to stay simian free. I can't imagine harboring a pathogen that would knowingly infect and harm any of those poor, cute, defenseless monkeys.

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