Friday, May 31, 2013

How to beat me in a race

Triathlon season is here. This Sunday marks the first official triathlon of the 2013 calendar year. My first tri this year is the same as last. To be honest, I'm starting this year off at a completely different place than the past few years.

I admit it, I'm a little fatter than most June's. There are 3 main reasons for this. First, I blame the colder-than-average spring. At lower temperatures, my desire to put in early morning workouts wanes. (This is code for: I'm a pansy.) Second, since we sold our old house, the Wife and I have been able to eat out more. Restaurants are pressured, mostly by idiots like me, to provide ample food portions. I seem to hold no restraint when it comes to the fork olympics. (This is code for: I'm a pig.) Third, I have not signed up for an Ironman distance race this year. This marks the first time in half a decade plus that I'm not obligated to that distance. Therefore, my training volume is down. (This is code for: I am lazy.)

Like everything in life, there are pros and cons. The pro to the above cons is that I am actually faster. I've traded some volume for intensity. My benchmarks on the run and the bike are off the Banter charts (This is code for: I have crappy charts.) I'm still uncertain about my swimming speed. (This is code for: I don't swim much.) In a nutshell, I've got more speed but less endurance. It'll be fun to see how this plays out.

On the off chance that there are some people reading this blog, and on the even further off chance that any of these people will be racing against me (This is code for: Bloody unlikely.), I'm going to do something that no triathlete has ever done in the history of the sport. I'm going to actually tell you how to beat me in a race, specifically triathlon.

Always consult you doctor before trying any of the Banter's advice. Not just your regular doctor, but you should also see a psychiatrist and keep them on a retainer. Not a psychologist, since they cannot prescribe drugs. Same goes for a chiropractor.

People following the Banter's advice in the past have reported the following side effects: Dizziness, since most of what he spews doesn't make sense. Nausea, especially those within olfactory range. Vomiting, for those assaulted by both visual and olfactory stimuli at the same time. 

Common occurrences for following the Banter's advice have resulted in a decreased level of happiness, increased maniacal thoughts, erectile disfunction, and heart palpitations. Others have noted an inability to sleep, restlessness, paranoia, and fear of the awesomeness that is the Banter. They were later committed to institutions and should not weigh heavily of your decision to follow the Banter's advice. Athletes that were not committed logged feelings of uneasiness and a decreased mental ability to perform all but the most simple instructions. Luckily, the Banter does not have any complicated instructions to give.

You should not operate heavy machinery while following the Banter's advice. Or light machinery. In fact, anything using electricity poses a risk. Hammers, screwdrivers, and anything sharper than your elbow should be avoided while following the Banter's advice. 

Some assembly is required. Always follow the Banter's advice with adult supervision. Preferably adults who have not been exposed to the Banter's advice.

By continuing to read this post, you waive any and all rights to collect damages- mental, physical, emotional, or supernatural- that probably will incur by following his advice. Further, you forfeit any and all liability claims against the Banter, his affiliates, relatives, associates, acquaintances, pets, neighbors, former classmates, Facebook Friends (he's not actually on FB and has no friends), Twitter followers (he doesn't tweet much anymore) (maybe later he will), enemies, or past, present, and future readers of (This totals about 22 people.)

Any rebroadcast, retransmission, or account of this post, without the express written consent of the Banter, is completely encouraged. Even implied consent- written, oral or otherwise- is unnecessary.

This offer is not valid in all states. Well, it's not valid in almost any state. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure it hasn't gained state support from any member of the union nor Puerto Rico. Guam is on the fence. Further, it might not really be an 'offer'. Regardless, void where prohibited.

Individual results may vary. The claims made by the Banter have not been evaluated by the FDA, FCC, FTC, USADA, USDA, DEA, FBI, CIA, KGB, DAR, or the League of Extraordinary Gentleman. 

Thus far, no deaths have occurred from anyone following the Banter's advice. At least, none that I'm aware of, so I've got that going for me. Still, enter at your own risk.

Wow, you must actually be desperate to beat me in a race if you've made it this far in the post. I'm going to reward your perseverance by following through on my promise. I will now tell you how to beat me in a race...

The only way to beat me in a race is to swim, bike, and/ or run faster than me. Good luck to you.

(Ideally, you should get to the finish line before me. But, with wave starts, you never can tell.)

It's at this time, I'd also like to tell you the does not offer any refunds.

No comments:

Post a Comment