The Blizzard of 2014- Semi Live Blog (Updates 1-3)

(Note: Updates will be added to the bottom of the post in an effort for the flow to make sense to future readers.)

School is closed today. Thousands of kids rejoice.

One high school science teacher sits on his lazy boy with a scowl on his face. This day is the climax of all of the crap winter has tossed at us, rolled up into one big pile of weather poop. So far today, we've had rain. We've had wind. We've had sleet. We've had black ice on the roads. We've had snow. And, it's about to get worse.

Therefore, I've decided to Semi Live Blog the day. There will be random postings of pretty much nothing to document what is expected to be epic in terms of meteorology and miserable in terms of everybody else.

Pre-Live Blog
They canceled school yesterday based on the forecast. This seems to be a habit new to the 2013-14 school year. In years previous, administration would make the decision in the wee hours of the morning based on actual weather. I suspect that the admin were sick of getting up by 4 am (who wouldn't be?) and decided to take advantage of science (for the record, this is the only known area of education administration where science has been applicable).

The school calendar purposely overbooks itself to accommodate for Mother Nature. There are 3 unnecessary school days in the calendar, just in case school is closed for  weather related purposes. If we need a 4th, we have to make this day up before the end of the year. If we don't use all 3 days, do we get extra days off? Ha! This is a politically driven process. It's all takey and no givey.

Relying on the science has not been too successful this year. I posit that it's mostly because the average person doesn't actually understand the science enough to apply it. We had a day off for the Great Blizzard of the Wednesday Before Thanksgiving, which yielded approximately 1.5 inches of snow and winds of about 20 mph (more on blizzards soon). We had a day off for Polar Vortex 1.0, when temperatures were rumored to drop below zero and winds in the 20s. Which is what happened. Except, that subsequent Polar Vortices also dealt many 0º days coupled with high winds, school stayed in session. Apparently those conditions are only school close-worthy on the first time. I went running.

In my not-so-humble opinion, I still think it a mistake to close the buildings on those days. But, what in the world would a science teacher know about science? In today's instance, I think the higher ups got it right. Badness is coming.

On Blizzards
Most people are familiar with the term yet have little idea as to what qualifies an official blizzard. In fact, my guess is that most Americans, when hearing the word 'blizzard' automatically equate it with a popular shake-type beverage from the local Dairy Queen.

Our next step of misinformation is to believe that hard, heavy breathing snow makes for a blizzard. This type of thinking is not clear and only part of the equation which has 3 main ingredients. (<-- cited link through NOAA just in case any of my meteorology readers want to question my facts.)

1. Yes, you need large amounts of snow. The exact amount is not necessarily important. It's also not important that the snow come from the sky. It can come from pre-fallen snow that was recently sitting on the ground. The reason why the amount of snow isn't important is that there's a visibility clause. Visibility reduction due to the present snow must get down to around a 1/4 of a mile or less (or the distance the Banter can run in 7 minutes).

2. Once you've met the snow requirement, you need to add some wind. It blows and hard. Winds must reach a minimum of 35 miles per hour, either in sustained or in gust form. (Insert wind bag/ proverbial Mother-in-Law joke here.) (Disclaimer: But not my MIL. She can't manage nearly that speed.)

3. There's a time component. Numbers 1 and 2 have to happen and keep happening for at least 3 hours or more. In the past, the used the Banter's 15k goal time to equate the minimum duration of a blizzard but even science has it's limits in patience.

Semi-Live Blog Part 1

Knowing that the blizzard-like conditions were going to start slow and build as the day went on, I got up and went for a run. It was a relatively easy and short run, which was perfect for me (ya know, since I'm relatively easy and not so tall). Time= 7:30 am EDT

According to the Garmin's Built-In Weather Reporting thingy, it was 37º with winds out of the NE at 3 mph with some rain. Not exactly blizzard like in any way, shape, or form. Also, not even close to reality. I'm not sure who or where KITH gets it's information (listed as the weather source), but man, they suck. Temperatures were clearly below freezing. Rain was actually snow mixed with small ice pellets of stabbing eye pain. Winds were steady in the teens with gusts significantly higher. Except for the eye-pain thing, conditions weren't that bad. This, of course, takes into account the crappy weather that has been the norm since November.

9:15

As the run progressed, the temps were dropping and the precipitation was increasing. The ice bullets were disappearing to yield large, bloated flakes of snow. I got done with the run and took the dogs for a walk. They are likely to be stuck inside for most of the day too. This is an equal opportunity household. If I have to suffer, so do they. I looked around the house for a convenient place to take pictures that may provide photo evidence for this journey. I opted for my backyard out the patio window. Well call this pic, "The Before". Time of pic ~9:15 am (click to enlarge)

You can see snow falling. Grass is still visible. I'm hoping that the grass and the base of the trees will provide a nice scale for any and all accumulations. Also, if you look closely at this non-animated, non-gif pic, you might be able to imagine the trees swaying at a not-so-blizzard pressure. We aren't expected to be in a blizzard until well after lunch.

I'll keep you posted.

Update 1

As it turns out I was not happy with the weather reporting capabilities of the Garmin and it's phantom source. Therefore, I decided to get more reliable info from a reputable source. In case you didn't know, there is the internet now. And, on said internet contains things called webpages. Some of those webpages don't contain porn (sadly, some people actually need to be reminded of this). Many of these alternative sites have site names that match the content of of the site followed by ".com".

For example, since this is a triathlon site and USA Triathlon is the governing body of the sport, you could simply type "usatriathlon.com" into your browser and, viola, you've achieved the goal.

Using that same logic, if you want to find stuff about the weather, you could simply type "weather.com" into your browser. Please don't do that.

See, there are other sites that are run by people who know something about the content in which they post (no comment on this site and the doofus who runs it). A more efficient site is "weather.gov". The ".gov" is actually an acronym for "Grand Old Vixens", a throw-back site for when the internet was 100% boobs. That suffix was taken over by some politicians.

Weather.gov is run by actual scientists (although, I'd guess that some non-sciency tech geeks physically run the site).

The geniuses who work at NOAA provide the data for the reportings on weather.gov. Here are a couple of screen shots for the info in my area. We are at def-con red, the sites highest level of misery for wintertime conditions. As you can see, they are reporting near blizzard-like conditions. With a bit more oomph from the wind and a few more hours of sustainability, it'll be official.

11:15 

When I took this picture, it was about 11:15 AM EDT. As you can see, there's a new addition to my backyard. I promise you, I did not plant that stick there for the intention of semi-live blogging. I did intend to go out there and find the damaged tree. Instead, I just sat around browsing the aforementioned internet (undisclosed content). I'm pretty sure that stick will provide for a better sense of scale than the grass or tree bases. That is until it gets completely covered or the dog goes out there to chew on it. Either one is a real risk around here these days.

The grass the was visible in the 9:15 shot is mostly covered. Snow is climbing up the trees. Other snow is a bit plastered against my window.

Update 2

Well, it's 2:00 pm (at least at the time I started writing this update. It'll probably be near dinner time by the time it's over. No- I don't think it'll be that wordy. I'm not that smart nor a good typist. Sometimes these posts take a while.)

While you wait for the rest of the post, please enjoy some fun blizzard facts.

• The official first blizzard was in 1977 (that's when they created the word/ definition). Guess where it hit? Yup, right here in upstate NY. Not much snow, though. Only 5 inches, proving once again that the amount of snow isn't important.
• My current town, Rochester, NY, is said to be the snowiest place in the US. Don't believe it? Yeah, me neither. Yet, that's what is says on this site. And, we all know, the internet never lies. There may be some credence to the claim. In the 2013-14 winter season, we are in 6th place and this blizzard may pull us ahead of Billings, Montana. Who knew?
• Apparently, there have been reports of blizzards outside of the USA. There was one in Iran in 1972. Actually, I think that's it.
• The 1996-97 winter saw the most recorded blizzard incidences with 27. There really wasn't one (which is rare) in 1980-81.
• Can you guess which state(s) gets the most blizzards? I bet you can. If you guessed NY, then you probably thought this was a trick question and bet against the dealer. Like most bets against the dealer, you lost. The right answer is Montana/ Minnesota region (I told you that you could have guessed it.) Western Minn, Eastern Mon got roughly 70 blizzards over the course of the past 50 years.

2:00 pm

So, here's the update I promised...

As you can see, the grass is completely covered. The meaty portion of the stick has disappeared, leaving only the stringy appendages. 

The Current Temp: 24º F (-4ºC)

Steady winds at 37 mph, gusting up to 47.

Visibility is 0.13 miles.

Yep, that's blizzard-like conditions.

My friends at NOAA are also reporting 'freezing fog', which I didn't even know was a thing until they reported it. And, apparently, people at NOAA and I are friends, which they didn't know until I reported it. See how that works?

Update 3

Did you know?

• There are people out there who are afraid of snow? They're called chionophobics. 
• There's another term for people who just hate snow. They're called humans.
• About 12% of the Earth is covered in permafrost, permaice and perma snow.
• Of that 12%, I want to avoid 100% of those places.
• The largest snowflake ever recorded was 15"x8". Yup, found in Montana.
• In 1887. Oddly, no photo evidence of this flake exists.
• The single snowiest day in the US was 76" (5'6"). This happened in Silver Lake Colorado, circa 1921. 
• Chalk that up to another place I'm not going to move to.
• The single season world record for snow was in Mt. Baker ski area, Washington in the winter of 1998-9. It recorded 1140 inches of snow.
• You guessed it, not moving there either.
• Due to the polarity of water, all snowflakes have 6 sides.
• One side for each level of hate I have for snow.

Since the last update, I've been busy. I've gone for a bike ride in the garage. It was an hour ride with some zone 4 intervals tossed in. Immediately following, I went for a quick jaunt on the treadmill, bringing my daily total up to 8 miles in 1h 10 minutes.

7:15

Upon finishing, I had some recovery pizza. Then, I went out for round 1 of snow shoveling. According to more than 1 resource, I burned about 300 calories during this excursion (a fact I find hard to believe).

Well, the sun is setting, making my photo recording of the blizzard more challenging. I tried to pick a spot where my backyard spotlight could help. Here's the current shot. The stick now resembles a drowning victim who's head has taken the plunge but the fingertips are still clinging for hope.

NOAA reports that the temps have dropped to 17º. 

Winds continue to stay strong at 20 mph and gusting up to 32, which I guess marks the end of the blizzard. I wonder if the winds pick up again if they'll reinstate the blizzard status or does that signify the start of a new blizzard. 

Peace on Earth

If you live in America, you'll have noticed that there was not a lot of action the other day. Regardless of the separation of Church and State, the nation pretty much came to a screeching halt while countless people celebrated a national past time of not working (that is true, of course, for everyone not in law enforcement, emergency services, the Jewish Starbucks, or currently living at the North Pole).

I, being an adult without children, get excited on Christmas morning just like everyone else under the age of 7, albeit for different reasons. I have something awesome to look forward to: my daily run.

Triathletes across the Northern Hemisphere experience a big lag in between races, forced upon us by waning sunlight, falling temperatures, and a propensity towards pansy-isms. (I lead the charge on that last one.) Winter time is commonly called the 'off season' in many circles of amateur, non-organized, summer sports. I think that calling winter the 'off season' is quite a poor application of the word. To me, the off season means, well, off. Not semi off. Not kinda off. Not off in the sense of "does this smell off to you?" Not off in the "his brain is a little off". (Oft heard as a response to reading my blog) (ha- that's the joke- no one often reads nor responds). But off as in doing nothing.

Christmas Day is the epitome of the off season for most. They take pretty much everything, except eating and watching TV, off. No work. No play. It's mostly just sitting, eating, drinking, and throwing paper wads at eat other made from the spoils of a recently unwrapped gift.

Not for me, though. I go for a run. (Okay, I do participate in all of the above. I admit it, it's pretty darn fun.)

I really look forward to this run. Sure, it was a bit chilly outside this year, with a runtime temperature of 16º F (or -9º C in case anyone with a good system of measurement is reading). There were a few clouds in the sky and there was a light breeze. I, sadly, being experienced with this sort weather, had ample amounts of clothing. This included 4 shirts, ear thingies, hand thingies, and my regular socks and shoes (unsure about the pants). With the rest of the country essentially doing nothing, I get the roads to myself.

My run was a short four and a third miler at an easy pace, I.E. nothing special. It was just a run. Except that it was real and it was spectacular. I was able to count the number of cars that passed me in either direction: n=13. I was out in the bliss for 35 minutes, making the automobile frequency of 1 car for every 2.8 minutes of running. Not once did I see 2 cars at the same time. I did see 9 deer, 3 other runners, 6 sledders, and 2 people taking a walk with their dogs. It was very much running utopia.

If you read the articles that are abundant this time of year, they will boast about the benefits of Christmas running. They'll cite metabolism, calories, endorphins, and a bunch of other sciency sounding words. I'm not going to tell you that they're wrong. I'm telling you that I think they miss out on the greatest point of all.

Rarely does a runner get to experience such an opportunity for relative solitude and peacefulness on the road. Rarely does a runner get to enjoy the open road without the imminent fear of certain demise. Rarely does a runner get to be in the majority of things without motors versus things requiring gasoline. Rarely does a non-running sloth get to call himself a runner.

Lessons from Behind the Shovel

It has snowed every day since my last post. This is not a complaint, rather a statement of fact. Mother Nature has decided to bless my home with its vile sputum.

When it comes to snow, I am sort of lawful good versus this neutral evil's presence on my land (Aside: I was thinking, originally, that I am chaotic good. But, truth be told, I just don't look that good in a golden bikini. End aside). When faced with 2 options: 1. snow removal on my driveway, or 2. doing something less important, such as getting to work on time or rescuing children from a burning building, you will likely find me out front of the house with a shovel in my hand. There really is no way around it (Aside 2: This is a neurotic fact that the Wife has had to deal with for years. If we had moved someplace warmer, it would be a non-issue. End Aside 2.)

I have a large driveway which means I spend a lot of time out there with a stick in my hand. This also give me ample time to think. Most of the time, I dream of someplace sunny. That, or monkeys. However, during one of my recent OCD sessions, I started to correlate how the process of shoveling snow very much mimics training. I shall share this lunacy with promptly.

Start Slowly
Whether you're removing snow, just starting your season, or simply starting your workout, there's no need to make the first minute the hardest minute. Getting in to your pace and finding your groove is a much better way to stay in it for the long term. Starting too fast will more easily lead to exhaustion, burn-out, or injury. Not to mention that you may finish early and what in the world would you do with all that extra time? (Hint- the correct answer is train more.)

Actual pic of me and our recent snow

Get the Right Equipment
This doesn't necessarily mean the most expensive. It means get the stuff that can do the job. If you're going running, get a pair of running shoes that fit you (preferably something in a non-neon color). If you are doing group rides, get a road bike. If you are doing time trials or triathlons, get a tri bike. If you are going mountain biking, don't forget to ride off the cliff some sort of fat-tired thingy will suffice. If you are shoveling snow, don't use your garden spade.

See, there is such a thing as equipment specificity. In biology, we teach that structure matches function. If you want smooth, efficient function, then get the stuff that was designed for that stuff. In snow removal, I'm a pusher and not a thrower. In cycling, I'm a spinner and not a grinder. In running, well, I do something that resembles running. My gear reflects these habits.

Careful with Your Electrolytes
Because I have the right equipment and because I am efficient in my shoveling, I don't salt the drive. I don't need to. There's no snow left. There's no ice. There's only the original blacktop, the same stuff and consistency that you would see in the summer. If you do the job correctly, you won't need the salt.

The same can be said for training. Salt tablets or electrolyte supplements are found in many an endurance athlete's gear bag. Personally, I don't use them. Even in the longest, hottest events, I haven't needed them.

I would likely be more right than wrong when I tell you than 98% of the people don't need them 98% of the time. Even for the people who do 'officially' need them, they certainly don't need supplementation for each and every workout. ('Officially' in quotes as it's highly unlikely that the average athlete has done any blood work and urine samples pre and post workout to quantify their needs- most people are holistic in this regard and do what they think is best based on perception) (Aside 3- Want a fun afternoon? Try drilling a salt supplementer to give you a firm definition of what the words "heavy sweater" means. Then, try convincing them that they really don't need 'em. This will be hours of entertainment if you have the stamina. End Aside 3.)

Don't Get Plowed
There is nothing more beneficial to a community than the plow truck. These selfless beings arise in the wee hours of the mornings and drive their 4 mile-per-gallon vehicles slowly through the dark with the singular goal of removing all but the last inch of snow from the ground. They make sure you are aware of their awesomeness by announcing their presence with un-muffled motors, nail-on-chalkboard type scraping of metal on asphalt. And, just in case the sound doesn't alert you, they have bright, flashy lights on top of their cars implying that the average motorist cannot see a vehicle 4x the size of a typical SUV. (Coming from a guy who spends a lot of time on these same roads biking and plodding running, they may actually have a point there.) Many of these trucks come standard with a fertilizer spreader loaded with electrolytes that they probably wouldn't need if their plows actually did an efficient job of removing the snow. Sigh.

In my world, the other meaning of 'getting plowed' is just as significant. Drinking too much alcohol is also a non-efficient way to run my season. Sure, I'll have the occasional fifth of vodka glass of fermented grape. Okay, it may be more than one glass. And it's probably not correct to use the word occasional. The term glass could be better replaced with carafe. But, the concept still stands, as my repeated experimenting has proven enough for the hypothesis to become a scientific law- I'm a goon the positive effects of alcohol are temporary while the impact on training is much more long term.

Therefore, I don't invite the plow truck into my driveway. And I don't invite ethanol into my mouth. (At least, not on a school night.) (For either.)

Ok, My Weather's Not That Bad

I do an awful lot of complaining about the weather, both in blog form and in conversation form. Most of my gripes are centered around the cold, rain, and wind. These, of which obviously, I'm not that fond.

Take our most recent Memorial Day weekend. The average high for our area is typically in the low 70s. For 2013, we had upper 50s to low 60s, wind and rain. Those conditions changed what would normally be an amazing training weekend into a complete pansy fest. At least I had the chance to overeat.

This up-and-coming weekend marks the first triathlon of the 2013 season. The Keuka Lake Triathlon is a pretty good race. I've done this race in the past, made some mistakes, and had some good times. But, with the atmosphere being below average for most of the spring, the water temps are sitting nicely near 56º. Brrr.

So, while I sit here and whine about my weather woes and how Mother Nature must hate my guts, I check out some other areas. For example, this was Lake Placid, NY on this past Sunday.

They got right around 30" of snow. I wonder how cold their water is. Here's what San Antonio, Tx looked like.

So, LP beat us in cold. Tx beat us in rain. At least we had some wind, right? I'd be remiss if I didn't pay homage to my OKC peeps. The BIL, Mrs. BIL, the niece and the nephew live right in the middle of the recent tornadoes. Whereas they are all safe and their house is still standing, the area is a complete and utter mess.

Here's the bad boy that beat them up...

And here's what being beat up looks like...

So, this post is really a reminder to me. The next time I start bellyaching about some below average temp, a little bit of water falling out of the sky, or some gusty winds, I'll have to keep my life in perspective. Even with our sudden drastic increase in temps causing near 90s this week, it's not so bad after all. I'll do my best to keep the whining at a minimum. (Not advertising full abstinence though. That would be asking too much.)

WTB- Heat

I'm considering starting a new program in which I exchange cash for heat. I'm confident that I could get enough people in my area to pony up and get a sizable donation, should there be any willing sellers. Ideally, we won't have to import even though India and Mexico have a history of an abundance of heat.

See, I hate winter. Or I think I hate winter. But, as of today, winter is officially over. The only issue is that winter didn't get the message.

In case you don't know, the actual start date of Spring coincides with the sun's venturing over the equator from a 6-month long vacation in the southern hemisphere. As of 7:02 am this morning (local time), the solar energy should be in our favor. I was tempted to walk outside in shorts and a t-shirt to celebrate the ascension of the occasion. Alas, I did not as we are still sporting January/ February type conditions with cold, snow, wind, and a bit of irritability.

A look at the forecast tells me this isn't bound to change in the very near future. Since the heat won't come to us, I'm taking matters into my own hands. I'm looking to buy some heat.

California. Texas. Arizona. I'm looking at you. Please send along a proposal with terms of service for roughly 5-10º F of spare energy. Florida- you need not apply. We already have all the moisture we need.

As it's clear that I'm kinda grumpy about our climate's decision to remain at the lower end of the reasonable expectations I need some cheering up. How about this?

Nothing like a B-rated horror film turned musical to put a smile on your face. The poster is quite unclear if Bruce makes an appearance.

Food is a sure fire way towards happiness. This dessert has it all. Dammit, I'm training and trying to lose weight. That idea's out.

Okay, I'm happy again. I'm still cold, but happy.

Who Infected Me?

It takes something big to keep me from exercising. Two or three days means something huge must have hit me. And, just like H.G. Wells hypothesized, most of the time the biggest obstacles are Mother Nature's smallest members. Worse, they don't even have to be alive. Let's try and figure out which bastard took me out for an entire week.

My Symptoms
A week ago Saturday, I had a great training day. On Sunday morning, I woke up to lethargy and the beginnings of a sore throat. I forced myself to go for a run. Oddly, it went well (I'm not much of a runner). I did some speed work and my legs felt great. By the time I returned from my cool down, my head was swimming. I had planned for a bike ride on the trainer. It never happened.

By Monday, the flood gates known as my schnoz had opened up full force. I was in disbelief that a human could manufacture so much mucus. For those of you who own stock in Proctor & Gamble, the company that makes Puff's brand facial tissue- you're welcome. I couldn't sleep through all of the snot and managed roughly 15 minutes of shut eye.

Tuesday morning I felt better. Therefore, I went to work. By 10:00, I was sliding downhill. By 2:00, my head was swimming in the goo (figuratively and literally). The body was getting achy. The headache had started. I took my temp after I got home: 101.0º. Advil and a decongestant and still no sleep.

I decided not to go to work on Wednesday. I hooked the Netflix up to the TV and watched such flicks as "Trailer Park Boys" (which, at the time I thought absolutely hysterical. Mind you, I had not slept for about 60 hours now).

Thursday I dragged myself to work knowing that I had a light schedule and could avoid the masses. In hindsight, this was a mistake. I stayed awake again that night regretting the decision.

On Friday, the headache had intensified. Mostly, I think, because I was still laughing at some of the movies I watched on Wednesday. I.E. I was becoming delusional.

By Saturday, I was coming out of my dementia. I had still not really slept, receiving roughly 4 broken hours the night before. How did I know I was getting better? I started to watch "Hot Tub Time Machine" and turned it off. Still, I did not move more than 15 feet from my sofa the entire day.

On Sunday, it was in the 50ºs outside and I forced myself to go for a bike ride. Had I known that time on the open road was my key to a cure, I would have done it sooner.

Bachelor #1- Small Pox

This is the small pox virus. Once this nasty little bugger gets inside of you, it marinades in the body for about 12 days. After the grace period, it decides to work its way out. Pustules filled with human tissue give the pox it's name.

Along with the pustules, one can expect a fever, muscle pain, headache, and respiratory problems. This bad boy may have been responsible for every know plague in the history of mankind, wiped out the Mayans, and given rise to what is commonly referred to as CrossFit.

Other common poxes include cowpox and monkeypox. (I only state that as I really like saying monkeypox. Otherwise, that factoid contributes absolutely nothing to this post.)

It is also noted that infected individuals are not interested in triathlon related activities.

Bachelor #2- Influenza

This sticky little devil is oft known by its abbreviated moniker of "The Flu". Most people associate the flu with stomach pains and vomiting. This is mostly untrue as that is the main result of reading this blog. The flu is the big, mean, older brother of the cold.

Shortly after this guy gets into the system, one can expect fever, headache, restlessness, sore throat, congestion, and an overwhelming desire to watch bad movies.

Apparently, there are several incarnations of this virus, including swine, bird, horse, and dog. As of this posting, monkeys are safe.

Bachelor #3- Ebola

As you can see, ebola gives the impression of being athletic. It's whip-like structure is lean and fast. In the beginning of it's tenure, one can expect to feel like you have the flu (see above). As life digresses, the digestive system gets into the mix by refusing to accept any new nutrition and violently expelling existing debris. (It's almost the exact same phenomena one can expect when experimenting with new nutrition ideas on race day.)

As time progresses, the nervous system joins the game by giving you agitation, confusion, fatigue, and possibly coma. Again, this is not much different that the average Ironman competition or training weekend.

This virus was pretty much the main character in "The Hot Zone", which also featured monkeys.

And the Winner is...

I was going with smallpox for a while. As it turned out, my pustules were actually a couple of zits that had formed on my nose (due to all of that rubbing and blowing) and forehead (cause uncertain at this time so not completely ruling out this virus). Further, the last know natural smallpox incident happened in 1977.

I had considered ebola for a while. However, I never got any digestive problems. In fact, quite the opposite. My hunger never subsided. I laid/ moped around for 6 days on no exercise and a full appetite. You'd think that watching the movies alone was enough to make me vomit. Nope. The gastric juices flowed and stayed firmly in their designated areas while I engluttoned myself shamelessly.

Influenza was the only one that fit the bill. I had pretty much everything on the list. Plus, it's the only virus to stay simian free. I can't imagine harboring a pathogen that would knowingly infect and harm any of those poor, cute, defenseless monkeys.

My Pantie Problem

[There's a lot of separate backstories to the main point of this posting. They come together at the end. Please be patient.]

Story 1- Online Shopping

The Wife does a significant amount of shopping online. We get all sorts of things delivered to the house, from food to toiletries to apparel. It's kinda like Christmas for me. A box appears on our doorstep courtesy of the local UPS guy and I'm all giddy with excitement about the surprise that's inside. Cha ching, it's the economy size pack of Puffs (the kind that you blow into, not the kind that you blow out of).

(Having just re-read that, I think I failed at clarifying my point. But I'm gonna keep it as I think it works anyway.)

Online businesses are confusingly sneaky in their marketing campaigns. We (meaning the Wife) did a product search. Then we (still meaning the Wife) purchase from a site that offers an appropriate brand at a fair price. We (meaning me) provide credit card information. They (meaning the company) ship the item to our (meaning our) house. We (meaning the Wife) open the box and reap the rewards.

You'd think that be the end of the purchasing story. However, they (meaning the company) require certain information to get the product to our (meaning our) home. Such as an email and street address. Then they (meaning the company) now feel that they (still meaning the company) and we (meaning the Wife) are best buds. They (I'm pretty sure you know who) will repeatedly send us (meaning me as it was my credit card) catalogs and advertisements to buy more of their products. They (you still know who) found a loop hole in the anti-spam/ junk mail laws.

That's how I (meaning me) receive repeated Victoria Secret catalogs.

Story 2- The Weather

I looked it up. For my area the coldest days of the year, based on average highs and lows, happen between January 10-25th. It seems that the jet stream, in conjunction with the Canadian Weather Authority, are aware of this phenomenon and have been working diligently to turn down the thermostat. Today is actually the 'warm' day of the week.

Despite what people think, January in upstate NY has an average high of right around the freezing point of water. This is the result of careful math over the past 100+ years of data. The average low is in the upper teens.

Not included in the chill- snow, ice, wind, and the penchant for plow vehicles to not care if you are running on the side of the road or not.

Story 3- The Training
I have dedicated myself to improving my run. I'm not much of a runner. I sport average speeds in the discipline but I recognize that I have room for vast levels of improvement.

The best way to improve your running is by... wait for it... because what I'm about to tell you lies opposite of what all of the Saturday morning infomercials tell you... it is contrary to everything that the masses want to hear (including myself)...

...The best way to improve your running is by running more. There really is no way around it. Running is a skill and, just like all skills, the more you (meaning me) practice the better you (meaning me) will get. If I want to be a better runner, I need to run.

The Second Story of this post has not helping much. This week alone, I have run in temps of 6º, 8º, and 13º. That's in Fahrenheit. For those of you who speak Celsius, allow me to translate: It's fricken cold!

Story 3- The Support Structure
Once you factor in the training with the weather, a new problem presents itself. Mostly in the world of sporting apparel. Layers upon layers of clothing are needed just to brave the elements. My wardrobe is wholly inadequate for the task.

In the summer time, what I'll refer to as the happy season, you can get away with minimalist attire. Shoes are used by most. Shorts are required by law. Shirts are optional. Ladies, this is even true for you in NY, so long as your not selling or lewding, so feel free to be free.

In the evil season, you still have the option of going free but exposure is not recommended. Hence the need for more coverage. The other day, I had on a base layer shirt, turtleneck, long-sleeved tee, and a jacket. For bottoms, I had jogging pants over running tights over running panties. I couldn't believe that I actually had to wear panties.

Most of my running apparel has built-in man supports. Panties are not recommended in running shorts due to the briefs or compressions sewn into the short. Coverage and comfort all built in to one garment. Without these marveling bits of technology, I (meaning me) would just become an extra in the cross county running scenes for the Movie Juno.

To be truthful, my boys don't need that much leverage. They were built strong and I have run many-a-times in boxers with no discomfort. I do own running panties for different reasons. Specifically I bought them because I coach, including leading stretching, and don't want any dude slippage in front of my athletes.

These panties are finally beneficial to me (meaning me) in the sport of running. Sometimes, despite their heartiness, the boys get cold. Cold on testicles doesn't actually do them much harm. Sperm can be deposited and frozen for many a year and maintain their virulence. It's just that the freezing environment scares the bejeezus out of them, as evidenced by their penchant to tuck and hide. The panties keep the nether regions warmer and less numb.

The Problem
I simply don't own enough running panties. I have been running from 7-9 times a week in an effort to increase my effort. Or is that decrease my effort? It doesn't matter. I simply don't have enough panties to keep up with the weather and my recent running habits.

This whole issue would be moot if the weather would change. Or if I moved. Or if I ran less. Since none of those things seem to be happening anytime soon, I have to figure out something else.

The Possible Solution
Here's the part where I promised you that all the individual stories would come together:

I've been looking a lot at the Victoria's Secret Catalog lately.

Anatomy of the Pain Cave- Part 1

The lack of sunlight hours coupled with having a job simultaneously with dropping temperatures can only mean 1 thing- it's long past time to get on the trainer. In my old house, that meant walking downstairs to the basement. The lower level of my old home was networked, had cable hookup, and had running water. It had the works. As a further bonus, the Wife had very little desire to spend any time down there. In a nutshell, it was mine.

Well, that all changed when we moved. The biggest obstacle in setting up shop in my new basement is, well, I don't really have a basement. It's more of a crawl space/ spider hangout. The furnace and hot water seem rather happy down there. It should be noted that they are under 4 feet tall. I did some measuring once and learned that if I get on the bike, while on the rollers, I have about 2 inches of clearance if I stay in aero position. I agree that this would be pretty good training in the form of perseverance in while aero, I am a little intimidated by the nails protruding through the floor boards and threatening my skull. Another solution would have to present itself.

That solution is found in the back of my garage. For some reason, the original owners of the house built a double-long, 4-bay garage. The front 2 are for vehicles (okay, only 1 actually has a vehicle and the other bay has the lawnmower-that counts as a vehicle, right?). Up until recently, the back bays were for storage. See, our old house was significantly larger than the new one. It's amazing how much crap you accumulate if you have the space.

I spent a weekend moving stuff around and came up with this:

There's my bike attached to the fork stand. The rollers wrapped up near the back wheels. In the background, you can catch glimpses of my junk (real junk, not the euphemistic). The walls and ceiling are uninsulated. This pic was taken near high noon and it's still pretty dark in there. The space is lit by a single bulb.

At the right is the view from the cockpit (click to enlarge). The TV stand is vintage 1987 as it sports a nice flat screen. The dvd player was a $32 Walmart special. In the cabinet are seasons 1-6 of the Simpsons, all 6 Star Wars episodes, and the Princess Bride (that's my entire library). The garbage can doubles as a helmet rack, towel rack, and remote control stand. As you can see, the flooring is solid concrete.

I was able to squeeze into the back side of the mess. The point of this picture was to show everyone an appropriate use of a treadmill. That machine has logged roughly 12 miles on my legs. I'll not likely be adding any more to it this season. It was installed in the garage as per the Wife's request. I did not plug it in. I do have my wetsuit hanging off the front bar, still drying from my last race, which was in late September. I haven't checked it recently but I'm pretty sure it's almost dry.

I remember a conversation with Jim, my Local Bike Shop guy at the beginning of last season. I was making an appointment for a tune-up and I trust the guys at the LBS with my bike completely. I recall Jim's words as if they were spoken yesterday. "If I remember  correctly, your bike tends to have lots of sweat induced corrosion. It make take extra time to do all of the stuff you want done." Jim doesn't beat around the bush and tells it like it is. I know that they sell products, such as the Bike Thong, designed specifically to solve this problem. Well, I'm poor. So I found a cheaper solution called Saran Wrap. And to be clear, Saran Wrap is too expensive. I use the generic plastic wrap sold by my local food store.

One truth about Part 1 of the Pain Cave is that it's not so warm. Here we are in mid December, and though the temps are a little warmer than average for Western NY, it's not so toasty in the Cave. I go out to ride and work up a good sweat while my feet go numb with the chill. Walking back into the house is awkward at best.

I have plans on upgrading the Cave to something a little more insulated. Maybe add a small heater. Maybe add a light and a mirror. Maybe remove the treadmill and replace it with something useful, such as a rock or a tree stump. I'll keep you updated.

Recognition of a bad movie

Winter means indoor biking. I have never heard of an indoor cyclist who put forth minutes on the trainer without some form of entertainment. The techies will have one of those computer training programs linked between the bike and monitor. They have digital courses on screen and automatically adjust the trainer resistance to mimic hills. Feedback from the software will match power output and heart rate data by the second and they can re-watch the entire training session from the computers point of view.

Others of us are poor. Luckily, I have enough money to rent movies from one of those places that send movies in the mail. They have thousands of movies to choose from, most of which I have never heard of. I have an open mind and am willing to try new things. That's the culture of triathletes anyway. Despite the availability of movies on the system, I loathe spending the time to research the good movies from the bad. I have been known to randomly pick films based on the site's recommendations. My queue currently lists over 80 titles and I haven't logged on for a few months now. Many of those I selected last winter and just haven't watched yet. I am often surprised when a new movie shows up. I don't remember picking it. Doesn't matter. The trainer awaits and the movie will be watched. Through experiential analysis, I have learned to immediately tell the difference between a good movie and a bad one before pushing play (again, I will still be watching it). I shall impart this knowledge upon you.

How can you tell if you rented a bad movie before you start watching? Here are some clues...

1. There is no studio disclaimer. The views and comments blah blah blah expressed are not necessarily blah blah blah representative of the studio, workers, or its parent company. As if we really thought that the mental spewing of the actors or producers matched that of the CEO of Universal studios, let alone those of the staff working at NBC (the parent company of Universal, in case you didn't know).

2. There are no previews. You put the disk in the player and the first thing that pops up is the main menu. There's a reason that previews start playing without any additional work from you. Hollywood is all about attention and self-promotion. No need to waste 10 minutes advertising movies on a film that no one will watch anyway.

3. Lack of subtitles. Most (not all) major movies will have paid someone to type up the script, watch the movie, and graphically place the words synchronized with spoken language. Some will even incur the additional expense of translating the movie into other languages like Spanish, French, or Swahili. Bad movies, typically, won't bother.

4. Read the description. If the words 'scantily clad', 'bikini warrior', or 'Kevin Costner' show up, there's a high probability that the movie is bad. The latter will not actually get watched.

5. Straight to DVD sales. That's right. Some movies were so bad that the studio didn't even bother watching them, let alone attempt to put them on the big screen. However, since they spent money making the movie, the studio tries to make up a budget deficit by copying it to a DVD and selling it for cheap. Most movie-affectionados won't buy this movie for themselves. They tend to purchase these movies for friends and family, mostly those that they don't like too much but are obligated to gift anyway.

6. Low to non-existent special features. Look at the main menu. It generally has at least Play Movie, Set-Up, Scene Selection and Special Features options. There's a lot of behind-the-scenes action not shown in the movie. The stars and the director have quips that you need to hear. The costume person has a talent for accurate designs. There's so much more to learn about the era. Special features not there-indicative that the director wasted his entire <coughing> "talent" on the movie or that the studio didn't give them an extra $15 for additional film. 

I am interested growing my bad-movie-sighting skills. Any suggestions?

Reasons Not to Bike in the Cold

I am an Ironman. That's right, I've done the 140.6 deed multiple times. Do it once and it's an accomplishment. Do it twice and it becomes an obsessive. I have decided (much to the wife's lament), that I will keep Ironmanning until I qualify. Qualifying requires training. Tough training. Mentally and physically. Which includes biking...

I live in a clime non-conducive to outdoor cycling. You can't really bike in the cold anyway. Repeated studies have shown that riding when the temperature is below does more harm than good from a fitness perspective. For one, ice biking is not good for the legs. My legs are the engine. They are the heart and soul of the race. Here's the risk and a brief review of physics. At increased speeds, moving air increases the number of collisions between you and the climate. This, in turn, causes evaporation and its cooling effect. If the temperatures weren't already cold, this would have a positive effect on training. However, at cold temperatures, muscles don't achieve the optimal workout temperatures. Enzymes in your muscles work slower. Internal muscle heat could drop to dangerously low levels. I wouldn't want to risk frostbite or amputation for some outdoor miles.

For two, low temperatures impair the ability for lungs to absorb oxygen. A brief review of anatomy. As humans, we have advanced gas exchange adaptations, possibly the best in the animal kingdom. Your lungs are moist organs that serve as a barrier between you and cellular respiration. The volume of liquid is spread out increasing the surface area. Increased surface area allows for higher levels of oxygen absorption with simultaneous excretion of carbon dioxide. In cold weather, the exchange system is compromised. Due to their diminutive size and large surface area, tiny icicles are prone to crystallize in your alveoli, perhaps endangering your VO2 max in later months. I wouldn't risk it.

To further complicate matters, cold weather biking is not good for the bike. Yes, I own 2 bikes (one aluminum road and one carbon tri). Neither bike is made of a material that is necessarily corrosive. It's not the bike itself, but the components. Cables, cogs, pedals, connectors, nuts, bolts, etc. are all  oxidation prone. Brief chemistry lesson...salt is a chemical catalyst for the reaction between metals (specifically iron) and oxygen. Iron, such as the kind found in the components of my precious multi-thousand dollar rides, reacts slowly with air to form a reddish-brown compound known as iron II oxide (commonly called rust). Add salt and the energy required for the reaction is greatly reduced, allowing the reaction to occur at insultingly low temperatures. Salt is good for roads and bad for ice. Worse for my bike. A bit of research will show that riding in poor-climate conditions negates the warranty on the bike. I value and cherish my ride. Risking that much money and integrity of my bike is not worth the challenge outdoor riding offers.

Understand, that these aren't scientific studies. They're more the kind that I invent to justify not riding outside. It eases the guilt. In all reality, I am a big pansy when it comes frigid pedaling. My feet can't seem to produce heat between November and March. I see many cyclists in their outdoor gear with snow on the ground and temperatures below the Mason-Dixon line. I am not sure how they do it, stealing my masculinity like that. Who do they think they are, all bundled up, spinning on their single-speeds, gloating on by not even nodding in my direction as I sit in Starbucks, sipping on my cafe mocha? I see them. I scowl. I swear. Jerks. I am going to change into my bike shorts, no shirt, no socks, and mount my ride on the roller trainer in front of the TV. I am going to do drills and monitor my HR while happily sweating in the relative comfort of my basement. I'll see you in March. Or April. Definitely May.