Garmin Calendar is from Venus, Banter from Mars

The Calm Before the Storm
It starts the way it always does. In our case, it's a simple disagreement. Nothing really. She mentioned that the colors are all wrong. I, personally, was quite pleased with the way things were. It worked for us in the past, I couldn't see why it would continue to work for us in the present and future.

It's never really just one thing, is it?

Soon, she started to think that life was going stale. It was too repetitive. Too predictable. I, on the other hand, enjoyed the predictability. I liked knowing what to expect. There was comfort in familiar.

There were subtle hints that our paths were diverging. She would send requests and updates. I would read them, decide they weren't for me, and ignore them. She remained happy and upbeat on the surface but apparently she was a volcano waiting to erupt.

Last month, she Mt. St. Helen'ed. Like the tragedy back in 1980, she flipped her lid. I suppose I should have seen the warning signs and felt the tremors. I remained oblivious until the change was fully implemented. She blew her top off, and not in the good way.

Here's how she looked before the change:

I liked this version. Colors made sense. Information was clear. Still, she felt she needed a change. She wanted to 'improve' herself. Here's what she came up with:

Needless to say, I was most displeased with this change of events. I wrote her a scathing letter to express my feelings towards the new her.

Couples Counseling
We argued and fought. I was clear we were going nowhere. Since we both had a long history together, we agreed to seek professional help. Dr. "What's His Name" (Aside: Honestly, I cannot remember names efficiently. As a teacher, this is a real problem. If anyone has any solutions, please help a blogger in need of assistance. End Aside.)

She had changed and I was ready to break up.

According to the good Doc, we both had some interesting ideas. I wanted the colors back. She wanted more menus. I hated the left hand side menu. She liked it but loved the right hand side menu. I was mostly indifferent to the right hand side menu.

It took 12 sessions at $450 per hour (I may need to re-think my career). In the end, we came to a compromise.

• Returned are the colors.
• Kept is the right side menu, which I've grown to appreciate
• Kept is the left side menu, now with color coding capabilities (by my insistence)
• Expanded is the viewable information 
• I may have to scroll to see the bottom of the month
• I am comfortable with this

I'm a big fan of this new and improved product. The take home message for those of you in relationship trouble. Always follow the 3 C's of Relationships...

Communication- Make sure your significant other knows what's going on inside of that pea-brained noggin of yours. And by 'yours', I mean mine. And by 'pea-brained' I'm being generous.

Compromise- Be willing to make concessions. Know what you can live with and what you can cope with. At least, know what you don't care about (no use fighting over that).

And, when all else fails,

Cash- Like most problems, through some money at it. If all else fails, at least you'll be broke.

In our case, it was in the form of paying some bloke enough money to help us realize what we already knew. Money well spent.

Dear Garmin Calendar,

I didn't realize things had gotten so bad between us. I thought we had a good relationship. I used you on a semi-daily basis. I used you to keep track of my workouts. I used you to keep track of my progress. In turn, you kept me organized. Kept me honest. Maybe that was the problem, I was using you and giving nothing in return.

Recently, I noticed a difference in your behavior. You changed. And not for the better. Sure, you told me that you were new and improved. You told me that you had my best interests in mind. You even wrote me a positive, upbeat letter...

If you haven’t used your Garmin Connect calendar for a while, it’s time to take a second look. We’ve completely revamped it and added a ton of features. The calendar is a great place to plan your workouts, or simply keep yourself on a schedule. You can now drag and drop workouts, activities and notes; see your weekly, monthly or yearly totals by activity type; color code your activities, training plans, goals and events; and so much more. If you’re a member of a group with a group calendar, you can show or hide that on your own calendar, too--that way you'll never miss a group run or ride again!

I didn't even notice you needed improvement (which may have been part of the problem). I went in to the new You with a touch of excitement. You even sent me a sexy picture of what you looked like all dressed and ready to impress.

I'm sorry Garmin Calendar, but I seem to be missing something. I don't normally use the calendar to plan my workouts, making the drag and drop function obsolete to me. I've always been able to see weekly, monthly, and yearly totals by activity type, so no real benefit there. My activities have always been color coded. I even wrote about your use of color coding in the past. I'm not even sure what a 'group' means in terms of triathlon training. I'm pretty sure such things are discouraged, maybe even prohibited in the rules, so it's not clear why you even bothered adding that accessory.

Still, after reading your letter and seeing your picture, I went into Garmin Connect with an open mind. You told me you were sexy. You told me you were better. Who was I to disagree? Here's what I saw...

Basically, the calendar viewing screen has shrunk to make way for the left side menu, which has virtually no function. Therefore, the available viewing information inside a specific date is less, forcing me to click on the date if I want to know anything other than the distance of the workout. The default color of light blue is strenuous to read. I did figure out how to change the default color from your limited palette. But, it changed each and every color since the beginning of time. Remember how you said I could "color code my activities"? Nope.

Garmin Calendar, I am not happy with the new you. You sent me a picture and description of a sleek, new you all dressed up in silky lingerie. Then, you showed up in frumpy sweatpants and a disgusting top.

In a nutshell, I miss you. The old you. The real you. I hope you get better soon and we can go back to enjoying the relationship as it was. Because, that was a great relationship and a good calendar. Or, at least, it was better than the one who showed up on my doorstep the other day.

I'm sure that things will get better. One day, you and I might look back on this message and laugh. You may get motivated and actually implement the changes you described. We'll be able to add make-up and a firming halter top.  Remember, those changes were your idea, not mine. Either that or I will start looking for a new relationship with a different calendar. And I really don't want to do that. Please let me know your thoughts and feelings on this. I look forward to your response.

Love you,

The Banter

Anyone Else Survive?

Today is December 22, 2012... It is the day after the world has ended. As with any mass tragedy, there are always a few survivors. I am one of the lucky ones. I made it, as did the Wife and dogs.

During our last few hours on the planet, we decided that we were going out in style. What does that mean in the Banter world? We ordered pizza and watched reruns of Simpsons and The Big Bang Theory. Normal bed time is near 10:00 pm. We decided to hit the sack at 9:00 on the eve of our destruction. What's the point in staying up? If I'm going down, it would be best to be well rested.

The arrival of the End was not what I expected. The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse took on non-traditional shapes in the greater Rochester area. They presented themselves as Darkness (which may have been because my circadian clock is set for 5:00 am and it was the night of the Winter Solstice), Coldness (which may have been due to the fact that it is late December), Windness (there was lots of wind), and Pansiness (because I'm a pansy). My world was blanketed in a bleaching white as snow attempted to cover the remains of what was once called Earth.

Since I'm sure that aid is not on the way, I took inventory of the necessary supplies. My Garmin had a full charge, meaning that I have about 20 more hours of workout data recording. The Clif Bar supply was holding steady at 12 bars. The energy gels count was strong, reporting in at 40 individual packets (with some unreported stragglers waiting to be found in various bags scattered throughout the house and the Cave). The powdered sports mix canisters were registering at full capacity. In the refrigerator stands a gallon of skim milk, some various condiments, and last night's left over pizza. I also have 4 full bottles and half a box of wine. It would seem that my nutrition needs will be met for quite some time.

I checked the electricity and heat. Both seemed to be flowing smoothly. My best guess is that the automation systems installed by the energy companies did not fail the bombardment. Same goes with the water supply. I am assuming that, since I am one of the few remaining survivors on the planet, the stress on the energy system will be greatly reduced. I should have plenty of heat, electricity, and water to survive the winter. I am also rejoicing at the fact that I no longer have to pay the utility bill (unless, of course, that has been automated too).

Later today, I am going to go for a run. The purpose of this excursion is 3 fold: First, I like running and the effect it has on my psyche. When times are bleak, it is important to hold on to a bit of normality. Running will be a coping mechanism that will be necessary in the days, weeks, and months to follow as I come to terms with being one of the only survivors left. I am not sure when i will encounter another non-Wife human being. Second, I am using the run as a scouting mission. I need to catalog the damage and see what, if anything, can be salvaged from my surrounding area. There will be work in the future. That work will require supplies. I need to know what is out there. Third, on the outside chance that the world did not end and life is as it was, I would like to stay in shape. The lack of destruction would correlate to an up-and-coming triathlon season.

Here are the conditions that I expect to see on my run, in the best case scenario:

I am assuming that the rest of the internet has been automated and archived. No further updates on the state of the planet are available at this time. The world as we know it is gone. Obviously, you made it through the catastrophe too or else you wouldn't be able to read these words. At least, I'd like to think that someone is out there reading these words (it was never a given under normal circumstances). We must cling to each other for support. I offer up http://tri-banter.blogspot.com/ as the last bastion of hope in the abyss that has become our reality. Keep up the faith and know that what ever happens, I still remain to offer up to you the gibberish that is commonly known as my blog.

Please feel free to chime in and tell me how you avoided the inevitable destruction. That information may prove vital to the survival of the species and future generations.

Post Ironman Stress Syndrome

There are several Post <something> Disorders on the books. Take, for example, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is commonly found in soldiers returning from war. Or car crash victims. Or those who have have heinous crimes committed against them. Some spend their lives trying to reacclimate to society while living in the personal hell of their mind forever scarred by the travesty they had just experienced. There are various degrees of horror on the PTSD spectrum, none of them are fun. Without help, sufferers may remain in a state of disorder for a very long time.

Some women have been known to experience Postpartum Disorders. PPD happens after giving birth. These new mothers can have mood swings, grumpiness, or full blown depression. It should go away on its own but, in persistent cases, therapy is required.

Most of the Post Disorders are caused in similar fashion. First, there was an event. Second, stress hormones were released. Third, body chemistry was thrown out of balance. Symptoms arise as a result of imbalanced chemistry as order is attempted to be restored.

Shortly after I did IMLP 2012, I diagnosed myself (because, as a guy, I don't normally go to the doctor), with a new Post Disorder that I'm pretty sure exists but no one has done the research yet. I named my disorder "Post Ironman Stress Syndrome." That's right, I was PISSy. My PISSy-ness helps explain the lag in posts during the month of August. But there's more to the story.

Being PISSy is not fun for you or for those around you. Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

• Lack of desire to remove yourself from the couch
• Penchant to watching bad movies
• Sleeping more than normal
• Overdeveloped desire to eat more than your activity level
• No motivation to exercise
• Urge to blow off normal household chores
• Neglecting or half-assing your blogging responsibilities
• Basically, you have gone from Ironman to what you perceive is the average person

After my PISSy self-diagnosis, my August starts to make perfect sense. In late July, I had an event, I.E. less than stellar IM performance (worst of my lifetime). This crushed the dream that I spent 10 months working towards. To say that I was stressed over the lack of performance would be quite accurate.

This emotional stress was compounded by the physical damage of an Ironman. You muscle tissues are shredded from the effort and distance alone. Then, I learned that the cramp I experienced during the IM run was an actual injury that took more than a week to subside.

My stress was worsened when I realized that for the first time in 6 years, I did not sign up for IMLP. As of this moment, my 2013 calendar is IM free and I am struggling to cope with that reality- which was slowly slipping away from me. IMLP fills up in a matter of minutes so I can't change my mind even if I wanted to.

When you are sore and hurt, what else do you do in your free time? If you're anything like me, you sit on the couch and watch bad movies. This position and activity lends itself to napping and snacking. Before the race, I was eating on par with my exercise. My stomach didn't get the memo that it was time to back off. I gained weight. I never actually want to do chores. As for the blog half-assing... that speaks for itself.

Luckily for me and my loved ones, I have found the cure. Should you find yourself in a PISSy situation, here's what you need to do.

Part 1- Watch this semi-NSFW video (turn down the volume if you're at work or in the presence of innocent/ judging ears).

Part 2- Go for a swim, bike and/ or run. Force it. You don't need to go hard. You just need to go.

Part 3- Sign up for races. Nothing cures PISSy-ness like spending money on sport.

I did all of these and I am seemingly cured. Since my condition, I have done 3 races (race reports soon to follow) and I signed up for a half-distance event in late September. I am training again. Losing weight. I have a plan for a 2013 IM.  I have focus. (Jury's still out on the blog.) I am no longer PISSy.

As with most Post ___ Disorders, PISSy can take over your life if left untreated. Everyone will know you as the PISSy guy/ gal. They'll avoid you as who wants to socialize with someone who is PISSy. They'll say things behind you back that they think you cannot hear, like, "Don't mess with him/ her, they're PISSy." Of course, these acts will only make your syndrome worse. You could slip into a state of depression. Then, you'd be PISS'D. And no one wants that.

Working With My Hands

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men (and women) stand ready to do violence on their behalf."

Some attribute this quote to George Orwell. Others to Winston Churchill.  (I'm pretty sure both Orwell and Churchill were triathletes, I might tell you about it later). Others say that the quote was fabricated. Well, somebody said it and they were a genius. So, a big thank you to all of those rough men and women who stand ready on my behalf. I will sleep peacefully tonight and I know I owe you a great debt that I will never be able to repay except in the gratitude and pride I have for you and my country.

Happy Memorial Day to all of you!

___________________________________________________________

Now, on to less serious matters, your regularly scheduled blog post...

As I go through the blogging experience, I am learning what I am good at and what I suck at. I have learned, so far, that I can run down hills. I have also learned that I suck at planning. My most recent revelation is that I can put things together, with my own 2 hands.

Background
Roughly a year ago, the Banter In Law left his coveted Oklahoma in route for Upstate NY. He is a triathlete and we took advantage of our shared interest to hang out, train, and eventually race. None of that is remotely important to this post. The important part is how he noticed my rudimentary tools for bicycle maintenance.

I guess that triathlon has allowed our relationship to grow. He decided that the medical tray, which the Wife purchased at the YMCA fundraising garage sale, was not the greatest venue for working on your machine. I simply balanced the saddle on the end of the tray. It has a crank allowing me to adjust height. All I had to do was brace the front wheel to keep it from slipping. The BIL, noticing the limitations of this set-up, was over generous and bought me a bike repair stand for Christmas.

I spent my entire winter training in the basement leaving the bike repair stand virtually useless. In the midst of Helheim, I had no need of a stand when I had the trainer. Now that the weather has eased up a bit, I've gotten outside more often. Still, more times than not, Mother Nature has taken it upon herself to remind me who's in charge by raining on my rides repeatedly. Now, the BIL's clairvoyance has made itself incredibly obvious. Rain begets grub and grime, which begets a broken bike. I don't want a broken bike. It's time to bust out the repair shop, only 6 months after the gift was received. 'Nothing like doing things in a timely manner,' I tell myself.

Of course, receiving this gift from Oklahoma, means that it arrives un-assembled. Which means that some assembly is required. The BIL absolutely refused to come back to NY with the intention of assembling it for me (I didn't actually ask him, but I'm pretty sure I know his answer). Which means that I had to do the work myself. I do hate work.


Here are the instructions on the left. These directions are perfect for visual learners.  Just pictures and schematics. I had to make sense of these shots, with these parts on the right.

As you can see, the makers of Park Tools bike stuff expect me to build an entire bike repair rack in 4 steps. I was not sure that it could be achieved, but I was giving the PT people the benefit of the doubt. I settled in and got to work.

The great people at Park Tool also predict that a majority of their customers, myself included, are morons. Based on that data, PT takes no chances. They not only make sure to include directions that require zero literacy skills, but they also expect that you do not have the simplest tools. They want you to build your bike rack and have no excuses against it. Let's see how I did.

Part 1

Yup, no words. Simply take the claw thingy, pull it apart, plug it in to the T thingy, smash it together, and continue pushing on the claw thingy.

My creation even looks like the picture. I am 25% of the way finished, but I bet the more challenging steps are yet to come.

Part 2

Now, take the straight pole and remove its top. Slide the feet thingy all the way down to the bottom and put the top back on. This didn't seem too hard. And, once again, I nailed it. Either the people at Park Tool underestimated my talent or I am a freak of mechanical nature. Before I get the ego in full swing, I'd better see what's up next.

Part 3

I must admit that when I looked at the instructions for parts 2 and 3, I was a bit confused. See, both parts featured straight poles. I was concerned that I might mix them up and biff the entire project. That would mean I'd have to write the BIL and beg for an entire new kit. I closed my eyes and took a stab at it. Maybe I'll add 'lucky' to my skill set (although I don't think luck actually counts as a skill).

Here, I took the 2 remaining straight poles and attached them with the nuts and washers. Casey the Newfoundland seems most unimpressed. What does he know?

Part 4

Take the result from Part 1 and slam it down into the result from Part 3. Tighten the hex nuts. And then, [turning the page over and back], nothing. The instructions stop like a dead end street. That's all she wrote.

As I step back and look at the product, I think to myself, 'This looks exactly like the drawing on the front of the box!' I am an engineering master.

So, with my own 2 hands and 6 hours of labor, I turned this:
<------------

into this:

-------------->

Now I am set for all of my garage repair needs. The BIL, knowing that I am a mental midget when it comes to mechanics, went so far as to include Park Tool's big blue book of bike maintenance. With the bike rack and bike book, I may cut down on my trips to the LBS to only once a month. I'm gonna miss those guys and gal.

I admit that I am a bit freaked out at the end of this process. Not because I am having post-mechanical depression (you know, the kind that shows up at the culmination of a large project and you don't know what do do with yourself now that it's done). I am a bit worried because I don't know what to do with the un-used parts. 

Are they extras or did I misread the instructions? Will this thing come apart on its own? Granted, it's just the free tools and a couple of washers, but this thing didn't have many parts to start with. Should my creation come crashing down, I doubt I would tell you. Pride and the ego will force me to act in a manner like nothing had happened. Deep down inside, I'll know the truth, and isn't that enough?