The Blizzard of 2014- Semi Live Blog (Updates 1-3)

(Note: Updates will be added to the bottom of the post in an effort for the flow to make sense to future readers.)

School is closed today. Thousands of kids rejoice.

One high school science teacher sits on his lazy boy with a scowl on his face. This day is the climax of all of the crap winter has tossed at us, rolled up into one big pile of weather poop. So far today, we've had rain. We've had wind. We've had sleet. We've had black ice on the roads. We've had snow. And, it's about to get worse.

Therefore, I've decided to Semi Live Blog the day. There will be random postings of pretty much nothing to document what is expected to be epic in terms of meteorology and miserable in terms of everybody else.

Pre-Live Blog
They canceled school yesterday based on the forecast. This seems to be a habit new to the 2013-14 school year. In years previous, administration would make the decision in the wee hours of the morning based on actual weather. I suspect that the admin were sick of getting up by 4 am (who wouldn't be?) and decided to take advantage of science (for the record, this is the only known area of education administration where science has been applicable).

The school calendar purposely overbooks itself to accommodate for Mother Nature. There are 3 unnecessary school days in the calendar, just in case school is closed for  weather related purposes. If we need a 4th, we have to make this day up before the end of the year. If we don't use all 3 days, do we get extra days off? Ha! This is a politically driven process. It's all takey and no givey.

Relying on the science has not been too successful this year. I posit that it's mostly because the average person doesn't actually understand the science enough to apply it. We had a day off for the Great Blizzard of the Wednesday Before Thanksgiving, which yielded approximately 1.5 inches of snow and winds of about 20 mph (more on blizzards soon). We had a day off for Polar Vortex 1.0, when temperatures were rumored to drop below zero and winds in the 20s. Which is what happened. Except, that subsequent Polar Vortices also dealt many 0º days coupled with high winds, school stayed in session. Apparently those conditions are only school close-worthy on the first time. I went running.

In my not-so-humble opinion, I still think it a mistake to close the buildings on those days. But, what in the world would a science teacher know about science? In today's instance, I think the higher ups got it right. Badness is coming.

On Blizzards
Most people are familiar with the term yet have little idea as to what qualifies an official blizzard. In fact, my guess is that most Americans, when hearing the word 'blizzard' automatically equate it with a popular shake-type beverage from the local Dairy Queen.

Our next step of misinformation is to believe that hard, heavy breathing snow makes for a blizzard. This type of thinking is not clear and only part of the equation which has 3 main ingredients. (<-- cited link through NOAA just in case any of my meteorology readers want to question my facts.)

1. Yes, you need large amounts of snow. The exact amount is not necessarily important. It's also not important that the snow come from the sky. It can come from pre-fallen snow that was recently sitting on the ground. The reason why the amount of snow isn't important is that there's a visibility clause. Visibility reduction due to the present snow must get down to around a 1/4 of a mile or less (or the distance the Banter can run in 7 minutes).

2. Once you've met the snow requirement, you need to add some wind. It blows and hard. Winds must reach a minimum of 35 miles per hour, either in sustained or in gust form. (Insert wind bag/ proverbial Mother-in-Law joke here.) (Disclaimer: But not my MIL. She can't manage nearly that speed.)

3. There's a time component. Numbers 1 and 2 have to happen and keep happening for at least 3 hours or more. In the past, the used the Banter's 15k goal time to equate the minimum duration of a blizzard but even science has it's limits in patience.

Semi-Live Blog Part 1

Knowing that the blizzard-like conditions were going to start slow and build as the day went on, I got up and went for a run. It was a relatively easy and short run, which was perfect for me (ya know, since I'm relatively easy and not so tall). Time= 7:30 am EDT

According to the Garmin's Built-In Weather Reporting thingy, it was 37º with winds out of the NE at 3 mph with some rain. Not exactly blizzard like in any way, shape, or form. Also, not even close to reality. I'm not sure who or where KITH gets it's information (listed as the weather source), but man, they suck. Temperatures were clearly below freezing. Rain was actually snow mixed with small ice pellets of stabbing eye pain. Winds were steady in the teens with gusts significantly higher. Except for the eye-pain thing, conditions weren't that bad. This, of course, takes into account the crappy weather that has been the norm since November.

9:15

As the run progressed, the temps were dropping and the precipitation was increasing. The ice bullets were disappearing to yield large, bloated flakes of snow. I got done with the run and took the dogs for a walk. They are likely to be stuck inside for most of the day too. This is an equal opportunity household. If I have to suffer, so do they. I looked around the house for a convenient place to take pictures that may provide photo evidence for this journey. I opted for my backyard out the patio window. Well call this pic, "The Before". Time of pic ~9:15 am (click to enlarge)

You can see snow falling. Grass is still visible. I'm hoping that the grass and the base of the trees will provide a nice scale for any and all accumulations. Also, if you look closely at this non-animated, non-gif pic, you might be able to imagine the trees swaying at a not-so-blizzard pressure. We aren't expected to be in a blizzard until well after lunch.

I'll keep you posted.

Update 1

As it turns out I was not happy with the weather reporting capabilities of the Garmin and it's phantom source. Therefore, I decided to get more reliable info from a reputable source. In case you didn't know, there is the internet now. And, on said internet contains things called webpages. Some of those webpages don't contain porn (sadly, some people actually need to be reminded of this). Many of these alternative sites have site names that match the content of of the site followed by ".com".

For example, since this is a triathlon site and USA Triathlon is the governing body of the sport, you could simply type "usatriathlon.com" into your browser and, viola, you've achieved the goal.

Using that same logic, if you want to find stuff about the weather, you could simply type "weather.com" into your browser. Please don't do that.

See, there are other sites that are run by people who know something about the content in which they post (no comment on this site and the doofus who runs it). A more efficient site is "weather.gov". The ".gov" is actually an acronym for "Grand Old Vixens", a throw-back site for when the internet was 100% boobs. That suffix was taken over by some politicians.

Weather.gov is run by actual scientists (although, I'd guess that some non-sciency tech geeks physically run the site).

The geniuses who work at NOAA provide the data for the reportings on weather.gov. Here are a couple of screen shots for the info in my area. We are at def-con red, the sites highest level of misery for wintertime conditions. As you can see, they are reporting near blizzard-like conditions. With a bit more oomph from the wind and a few more hours of sustainability, it'll be official.

11:15 

When I took this picture, it was about 11:15 AM EDT. As you can see, there's a new addition to my backyard. I promise you, I did not plant that stick there for the intention of semi-live blogging. I did intend to go out there and find the damaged tree. Instead, I just sat around browsing the aforementioned internet (undisclosed content). I'm pretty sure that stick will provide for a better sense of scale than the grass or tree bases. That is until it gets completely covered or the dog goes out there to chew on it. Either one is a real risk around here these days.

The grass the was visible in the 9:15 shot is mostly covered. Snow is climbing up the trees. Other snow is a bit plastered against my window.

Update 2

Well, it's 2:00 pm (at least at the time I started writing this update. It'll probably be near dinner time by the time it's over. No- I don't think it'll be that wordy. I'm not that smart nor a good typist. Sometimes these posts take a while.)

While you wait for the rest of the post, please enjoy some fun blizzard facts.

• The official first blizzard was in 1977 (that's when they created the word/ definition). Guess where it hit? Yup, right here in upstate NY. Not much snow, though. Only 5 inches, proving once again that the amount of snow isn't important.
• My current town, Rochester, NY, is said to be the snowiest place in the US. Don't believe it? Yeah, me neither. Yet, that's what is says on this site. And, we all know, the internet never lies. There may be some credence to the claim. In the 2013-14 winter season, we are in 6th place and this blizzard may pull us ahead of Billings, Montana. Who knew?
• Apparently, there have been reports of blizzards outside of the USA. There was one in Iran in 1972. Actually, I think that's it.
• The 1996-97 winter saw the most recorded blizzard incidences with 27. There really wasn't one (which is rare) in 1980-81.
• Can you guess which state(s) gets the most blizzards? I bet you can. If you guessed NY, then you probably thought this was a trick question and bet against the dealer. Like most bets against the dealer, you lost. The right answer is Montana/ Minnesota region (I told you that you could have guessed it.) Western Minn, Eastern Mon got roughly 70 blizzards over the course of the past 50 years.

2:00 pm

So, here's the update I promised...

As you can see, the grass is completely covered. The meaty portion of the stick has disappeared, leaving only the stringy appendages. 

The Current Temp: 24º F (-4ºC)

Steady winds at 37 mph, gusting up to 47.

Visibility is 0.13 miles.

Yep, that's blizzard-like conditions.

My friends at NOAA are also reporting 'freezing fog', which I didn't even know was a thing until they reported it. And, apparently, people at NOAA and I are friends, which they didn't know until I reported it. See how that works?

Update 3

Did you know?

• There are people out there who are afraid of snow? They're called chionophobics. 
• There's another term for people who just hate snow. They're called humans.
• About 12% of the Earth is covered in permafrost, permaice and perma snow.
• Of that 12%, I want to avoid 100% of those places.
• The largest snowflake ever recorded was 15"x8". Yup, found in Montana.
• In 1887. Oddly, no photo evidence of this flake exists.
• The single snowiest day in the US was 76" (5'6"). This happened in Silver Lake Colorado, circa 1921. 
• Chalk that up to another place I'm not going to move to.
• The single season world record for snow was in Mt. Baker ski area, Washington in the winter of 1998-9. It recorded 1140 inches of snow.
• You guessed it, not moving there either.
• Due to the polarity of water, all snowflakes have 6 sides.
• One side for each level of hate I have for snow.

Since the last update, I've been busy. I've gone for a bike ride in the garage. It was an hour ride with some zone 4 intervals tossed in. Immediately following, I went for a quick jaunt on the treadmill, bringing my daily total up to 8 miles in 1h 10 minutes.

7:15

Upon finishing, I had some recovery pizza. Then, I went out for round 1 of snow shoveling. According to more than 1 resource, I burned about 300 calories during this excursion (a fact I find hard to believe).

Well, the sun is setting, making my photo recording of the blizzard more challenging. I tried to pick a spot where my backyard spotlight could help. Here's the current shot. The stick now resembles a drowning victim who's head has taken the plunge but the fingertips are still clinging for hope.

NOAA reports that the temps have dropped to 17º. 

Winds continue to stay strong at 20 mph and gusting up to 32, which I guess marks the end of the blizzard. I wonder if the winds pick up again if they'll reinstate the blizzard status or does that signify the start of a new blizzard. 

The Winter Hoot and Holler

Just in case you happen to be living somewhere outside of the continental United States, I've got some shocking news for you. It's been cold pretty much everywhere not called Florida, Hawaii, or Alaska. Mother Nature has taken vengeance on our misunderstanding of climate change and decided to punch us in the gut with steal-your-breath away cold temperatures. Still I run (or do my version of what other people call running). This winter, I set a personal low for temps, as seen on the right. This run was exceptionally fast for me. I give credit to the fact that, had I gone any slower, I might have frozen to the ground.

In the summer time, life on the road is much different. For example, I've got a larger section of road on which to run. In the winter time, much of the running lane is covered in ice and snow, forcing me and the dog out into the brine covered sections of black. We get to mingle with traffic, deer, potholes, the mail truck, the trashman, and, new to last week, a combine tractor finally harvesting corn. (And I thought I was a procrastinator.)

Summer running is louder. No, not me. I'm talking about the rest of the citizens. There are more decibel producers cruising the strip. Motorcycles that believe mufflers are unnecessary. Teenagers who believe that subwoofers in the trunk with the bass turned all the way up is da bomb. Canadian geese returning from where ever they decided to winter and honk incessantly. It can be ear piercing at times.

In the winter, everything is muffled. Kids are in the house. Motorcycles are in the garage. Geese are, um, elsewhere. All but one of the combines are in the barn. Plus, I've got my ears covered. It's a much quieter run. Peace. Serenity. Calm. Only me and the voices in my head (don't worry, I don't listen to them...much).

I have been missing something rather special lately. (Yes, I'm missing on pleasant temperatures, but I covered that already). I'm missing out on the Hoot and Hollers of summer time. See, when it's nice outside, people drive with their windows down. They sit outside of their houses. They go for walks. They ride their bikes. During this season, I share the road with many recreants. They see me coming on my bike or on my run and calculate that they have only a matter of seconds to interact. Why exactly they want to interact is a mystery to me (I've never been much of a social creature). Their version of interaction is commonly called a Hoot and/ or a Holler. I like getting yelled at while exercising. I've been known, on occasion, to deliver my own version of a H&H. Mostly, I stay silent save for my raspy chug of breathing.

Lately, I've been paying more attention to people on my sessions and I think I'm wrong. I get lots of Hoots and Hollers, only I've been too stupid to recognize them.

Take, for example, the above pictured -2º tempo run. If it weren't for the chill that day, it would have been a beautiful day for a run. The sun was, for once, shining bright. The streets were semi-adequately plowed. There was next to no traffic. I do remember this one guy though. I was running to the east while he was driving to the east. Meaning, we were not in the same lane. There was no needed action to be taken on his part to avoid the likes of me running. He, in his cozy white pick-up, heater blazing, steaming coffee cup move to and fro his lips. Me gingerly plodding through the soon-to-be permafrost of what was once a temperate climate. He could have just driven on by. Nope. He slowed down, made eye-contact, and raised his mug of Joe in a salute to my effort with a smile on his face. Then, of course, he just drove off never to be seen again.

Or, take for example, the garbage truck. Trash collection for most is on Tuesdays in my area. But, we have the freedom of trash choice in the neighborhood and a minority of people opt for a different company. I think it's because the other company has purple cans and not green. Well, the purple trash eater drives his route on Wednesday. As it happened on one particular Wednesday, I was out for a morning run with the PRP. He's a lot cuter than me and is, therefore, subjected to a lot more H&H's than I (I still pretend that they're mind- he doesn't argue the point- so it's all good). At this point in the tale, said purple truck was about a third of a mile in my future but closing the gap. Due to the Doppler Effect in both light and sound, I was able to recognize that the truck's speed was also slowing. As we neared eminent collision, the truck stopped and the trashman jumped out. His singular goal was to pet the dog. The dog was alright with this, as is his nature. This is not the H&H. The Winter H&H happened moments later. See, this was a narrow, residential style road and not much room for traffic. The large purple refuse collector was blocking a good portion of the drive-able space and a short line of cars were witness to the pettings while their forward momentum dissipated. After we started moving again, the 2 cars immediately behind the stench smiled and waved. That's the H&H.

One last example- I was riding my bike. It was cold outside and I was in the garage as usual. See, I'm becoming more and more selectively pansy. Whereas I'll run in just about any temperature, my bike won't see asphalt until it's at least 45º, probably closer to 50 (and that still depends on the rain and wind). Since Canada feels the need to keep sending her worst, it's into my partially finished workout space. I don't mind. The rest of the non-biking space is wide open or shelved off for storage. There's enough room for the bike, treadmill, and a small marching band. That's a good thing too since, on one Saturday afternoon, I was spinning away. Suddenly, my workout room door exploded open and the USC Marching Band filed in with Fleetwood Mac playing Tusk. It worked and I had one of my best trainer sessions of the winter! Later on, Lindsey admitted to me that he wrote the song about me because he missed hanging out when I was exercising instead.

Okay, that last one may or may not have actually happened in real life. But the other 2 definitely did. Regardless, the Winter H&H is a thing of beauty. You and I must train ourselves to recognize external inspiration when it happens. Even if it's only in our heads, the H&H can be a useful tool to gain an edge over our demons.

Peace on Earth

If you live in America, you'll have noticed that there was not a lot of action the other day. Regardless of the separation of Church and State, the nation pretty much came to a screeching halt while countless people celebrated a national past time of not working (that is true, of course, for everyone not in law enforcement, emergency services, the Jewish Starbucks, or currently living at the North Pole).

I, being an adult without children, get excited on Christmas morning just like everyone else under the age of 7, albeit for different reasons. I have something awesome to look forward to: my daily run.

Triathletes across the Northern Hemisphere experience a big lag in between races, forced upon us by waning sunlight, falling temperatures, and a propensity towards pansy-isms. (I lead the charge on that last one.) Winter time is commonly called the 'off season' in many circles of amateur, non-organized, summer sports. I think that calling winter the 'off season' is quite a poor application of the word. To me, the off season means, well, off. Not semi off. Not kinda off. Not off in the sense of "does this smell off to you?" Not off in the "his brain is a little off". (Oft heard as a response to reading my blog) (ha- that's the joke- no one often reads nor responds). But off as in doing nothing.

Christmas Day is the epitome of the off season for most. They take pretty much everything, except eating and watching TV, off. No work. No play. It's mostly just sitting, eating, drinking, and throwing paper wads at eat other made from the spoils of a recently unwrapped gift.

Not for me, though. I go for a run. (Okay, I do participate in all of the above. I admit it, it's pretty darn fun.)

I really look forward to this run. Sure, it was a bit chilly outside this year, with a runtime temperature of 16º F (or -9º C in case anyone with a good system of measurement is reading). There were a few clouds in the sky and there was a light breeze. I, sadly, being experienced with this sort weather, had ample amounts of clothing. This included 4 shirts, ear thingies, hand thingies, and my regular socks and shoes (unsure about the pants). With the rest of the country essentially doing nothing, I get the roads to myself.

My run was a short four and a third miler at an easy pace, I.E. nothing special. It was just a run. Except that it was real and it was spectacular. I was able to count the number of cars that passed me in either direction: n=13. I was out in the bliss for 35 minutes, making the automobile frequency of 1 car for every 2.8 minutes of running. Not once did I see 2 cars at the same time. I did see 9 deer, 3 other runners, 6 sledders, and 2 people taking a walk with their dogs. It was very much running utopia.

If you read the articles that are abundant this time of year, they will boast about the benefits of Christmas running. They'll cite metabolism, calories, endorphins, and a bunch of other sciency sounding words. I'm not going to tell you that they're wrong. I'm telling you that I think they miss out on the greatest point of all.

Rarely does a runner get to experience such an opportunity for relative solitude and peacefulness on the road. Rarely does a runner get to enjoy the open road without the imminent fear of certain demise. Rarely does a runner get to be in the majority of things without motors versus things requiring gasoline. Rarely does a non-running sloth get to call himself a runner.

Lessons from Behind the Shovel

It has snowed every day since my last post. This is not a complaint, rather a statement of fact. Mother Nature has decided to bless my home with its vile sputum.

When it comes to snow, I am sort of lawful good versus this neutral evil's presence on my land (Aside: I was thinking, originally, that I am chaotic good. But, truth be told, I just don't look that good in a golden bikini. End aside). When faced with 2 options: 1. snow removal on my driveway, or 2. doing something less important, such as getting to work on time or rescuing children from a burning building, you will likely find me out front of the house with a shovel in my hand. There really is no way around it (Aside 2: This is a neurotic fact that the Wife has had to deal with for years. If we had moved someplace warmer, it would be a non-issue. End Aside 2.)

I have a large driveway which means I spend a lot of time out there with a stick in my hand. This also give me ample time to think. Most of the time, I dream of someplace sunny. That, or monkeys. However, during one of my recent OCD sessions, I started to correlate how the process of shoveling snow very much mimics training. I shall share this lunacy with promptly.

Start Slowly
Whether you're removing snow, just starting your season, or simply starting your workout, there's no need to make the first minute the hardest minute. Getting in to your pace and finding your groove is a much better way to stay in it for the long term. Starting too fast will more easily lead to exhaustion, burn-out, or injury. Not to mention that you may finish early and what in the world would you do with all that extra time? (Hint- the correct answer is train more.)

Actual pic of me and our recent snow

Get the Right Equipment
This doesn't necessarily mean the most expensive. It means get the stuff that can do the job. If you're going running, get a pair of running shoes that fit you (preferably something in a non-neon color). If you are doing group rides, get a road bike. If you are doing time trials or triathlons, get a tri bike. If you are going mountain biking, don't forget to ride off the cliff some sort of fat-tired thingy will suffice. If you are shoveling snow, don't use your garden spade.

See, there is such a thing as equipment specificity. In biology, we teach that structure matches function. If you want smooth, efficient function, then get the stuff that was designed for that stuff. In snow removal, I'm a pusher and not a thrower. In cycling, I'm a spinner and not a grinder. In running, well, I do something that resembles running. My gear reflects these habits.

Careful with Your Electrolytes
Because I have the right equipment and because I am efficient in my shoveling, I don't salt the drive. I don't need to. There's no snow left. There's no ice. There's only the original blacktop, the same stuff and consistency that you would see in the summer. If you do the job correctly, you won't need the salt.

The same can be said for training. Salt tablets or electrolyte supplements are found in many an endurance athlete's gear bag. Personally, I don't use them. Even in the longest, hottest events, I haven't needed them.

I would likely be more right than wrong when I tell you than 98% of the people don't need them 98% of the time. Even for the people who do 'officially' need them, they certainly don't need supplementation for each and every workout. ('Officially' in quotes as it's highly unlikely that the average athlete has done any blood work and urine samples pre and post workout to quantify their needs- most people are holistic in this regard and do what they think is best based on perception) (Aside 3- Want a fun afternoon? Try drilling a salt supplementer to give you a firm definition of what the words "heavy sweater" means. Then, try convincing them that they really don't need 'em. This will be hours of entertainment if you have the stamina. End Aside 3.)

Don't Get Plowed
There is nothing more beneficial to a community than the plow truck. These selfless beings arise in the wee hours of the mornings and drive their 4 mile-per-gallon vehicles slowly through the dark with the singular goal of removing all but the last inch of snow from the ground. They make sure you are aware of their awesomeness by announcing their presence with un-muffled motors, nail-on-chalkboard type scraping of metal on asphalt. And, just in case the sound doesn't alert you, they have bright, flashy lights on top of their cars implying that the average motorist cannot see a vehicle 4x the size of a typical SUV. (Coming from a guy who spends a lot of time on these same roads biking and plodding running, they may actually have a point there.) Many of these trucks come standard with a fertilizer spreader loaded with electrolytes that they probably wouldn't need if their plows actually did an efficient job of removing the snow. Sigh.

In my world, the other meaning of 'getting plowed' is just as significant. Drinking too much alcohol is also a non-efficient way to run my season. Sure, I'll have the occasional fifth of vodka glass of fermented grape. Okay, it may be more than one glass. And it's probably not correct to use the word occasional. The term glass could be better replaced with carafe. But, the concept still stands, as my repeated experimenting has proven enough for the hypothesis to become a scientific law- I'm a goon the positive effects of alcohol are temporary while the impact on training is much more long term.

Therefore, I don't invite the plow truck into my driveway. And I don't invite ethanol into my mouth. (At least, not on a school night.) (For either.)

On Karma

The Background
I'm sure you're familiar with the concept. Karma.

• Your current actions determine consequences to be bestowed upon you later
• What comes around goes around
• Be good and good things will happen to you. Be bad and bad things will happen to you
• My Name Is Earl

Over the past year, I've been, among other things, working, training, racing, and flying by missing the ground. On my list of other things, I've been working on the Pain Cave. Here's my last post on the topic, just in case you wanted to catch up.

This work includes sanctioning off a sizable section of the garage. Constructing a new wall. Adding electricity. Moving all of my junk to the other side of the room. Installing heat. I'll post some specifics about the Pain Cave 2.0 in a little while because this specific post is about Karma.

The Set-Up
Take a look at this text message conversation between the BIL and me from a short period ago.

Upon inspection, you should notice a few obvious details.

1. I figured out how to take a screen shot of my phone without actually borrowing the Wife's phone and taking a picture of my phone.
2. My contact name for the BIL is actually "The BIL"
3. He is giving me crap about insulating and heating my workout room
4. He failed at knowing my location. I'm in upstate NY, not NYC (a common mistake).
5. He, likely, nailed my sexuality

If you are a faithful Bantee, you'd know that I have the utmost admiration of the Banter-In-Law. He's one of the few people that I can talk to about sport in the family who actually gets it. Yet, he is a trained meteorologist who doesn't seem to understand the weather.

It's no secret that I am no big fan of the cold. I live in the dredges of upstate NY via my obligation to the Wife. She's a rare specimen of many virtues (who seems content to put up with my crap) and I'll do anything to please her (okay, I try with varying levels of success). If one of her desires is to live in the land of no future, so be it. Being north of the center of the temperate zone, we are no stranger to the seasons. Currently, and for a vast majority of the year, it is the cold season.

The BIL, in a former life, lived here as well (which makes it even weirder that he thought I was in NYC). He was smart enough to escape to a dryer, flatter, windier place. Which is rumored to be warmer. 'Rumored' is the key word in this sentence.

The Delivery
Here's a nice map of our recent weather. And by 'our', I mean the entire country from a day or two ago (I'm a slow writer).

I live around here.

The BIL lives near here. (Please don't drive to his house and give him crap.) (To be clear, you can give him crap. Just don't drive to his house.)

As you can see, most of the country has been plunged into frigidly cold temperatures. All except much of the east coast. Our weather is exactly what we'd expect for this time of year..

If anyone out there is not enjoying the cold, you can blame the BIL. He brought this scourge upon himself and the lot of you. It's Karma baby.

Now if you'll excuse me, my toasty, insulated workout room is calling.

WTB- Heat

I'm considering starting a new program in which I exchange cash for heat. I'm confident that I could get enough people in my area to pony up and get a sizable donation, should there be any willing sellers. Ideally, we won't have to import even though India and Mexico have a history of an abundance of heat.

See, I hate winter. Or I think I hate winter. But, as of today, winter is officially over. The only issue is that winter didn't get the message.

In case you don't know, the actual start date of Spring coincides with the sun's venturing over the equator from a 6-month long vacation in the southern hemisphere. As of 7:02 am this morning (local time), the solar energy should be in our favor. I was tempted to walk outside in shorts and a t-shirt to celebrate the ascension of the occasion. Alas, I did not as we are still sporting January/ February type conditions with cold, snow, wind, and a bit of irritability.

A look at the forecast tells me this isn't bound to change in the very near future. Since the heat won't come to us, I'm taking matters into my own hands. I'm looking to buy some heat.

California. Texas. Arizona. I'm looking at you. Please send along a proposal with terms of service for roughly 5-10º F of spare energy. Florida- you need not apply. We already have all the moisture we need.

As it's clear that I'm kinda grumpy about our climate's decision to remain at the lower end of the reasonable expectations I need some cheering up. How about this?

Nothing like a B-rated horror film turned musical to put a smile on your face. The poster is quite unclear if Bruce makes an appearance.

Food is a sure fire way towards happiness. This dessert has it all. Dammit, I'm training and trying to lose weight. That idea's out.

Okay, I'm happy again. I'm still cold, but happy.

WW- Ode to OKC Tri-Geeks

I'm hanging out in central Oklahoma. Home of the Sooners. Home of the BIL. Home of not much else. In a effort to socialize me, the BIL set-up a play date with some of the members the OKC Tri-Club. I got to be the odd man out by being the only person in our small group ride NOT on a Cervelo P2. Unlike them, I choose to ride an American-made Giant.

We set out on a 30 mile rolling course. I spent a lot of time riding with IronMan Piers (so named 'cause he's a once and future IM finisher). Up and down we went on a route littered with short/ steep rolling hills and featuring over 1000 feet of climbing. The quads don't normally experience such resistance changes on the trainer back home. We also got knocked around quite a bit with a mighty batch of wind.

(Aside: Since I've been in the great OK state, I've had the following burns: wind burn, sun burn, trail burn (more on this later), and today, freezer burn. Second aside: Today was cold and snowy. It's as if the state wanted me to feel right at home, ya know, weather wise. End second aside. It sure is an interesting place to train. End aside.)

Before the ride, the clan had planned to go out for a run. The original goal was to go for an 8-10 mile transition run. When the ride was over, that plan was promptly modified to for a 6-8 mile easy run. I love hanging out with triathletes. Who was I to argue with shortening a run? I thought it was a swell idea. We set out at a comfortable pace and ended up getting in 6.25. It was time well spent.

During the run, we got to chatting. This is new for me. The only times I ever exercise with people are during races. Chatting is generally kept to a minimum since I am working on crushing the dreams and egos of my fellow competitors with marginal levels of success. Idle conversation doesn't seem necessary during those times. However, that day's workout was a social experience and conversation was good. At one point, Realestate Rob ('cause he's a real estate guru) made a joke to me and Bug Doc Katrina ('cause she's a genius PhD scientist in bugs). The joke was about Germany's solar dominance over the US. So, not only am I hanging out with triathletes, but also people who get the irony of American's popular media's penchant to get the facts wrong (FYI- Germany leads the industry in solar power usage and significantly trails the US in available solar energy. Hence, the reason Realestate Rob's joke was hysterical.)

Just in case there are any other geeky triathletes out there, I've got some memes that you'll appreciate:

A big thanks to the OKC peeps for inviting me into their inner circle for some fun in the Oklahoma sun. IM Piers and I had some great Darwin talks and the importance of science history education. Realestate Rob helped me understand better the seedy underground of the Oklahoma housing market. Bug Doc Katrina (shown on the right) volunteered her time to take me and the family on an incredible behind-the-scenes tour of her work at the museum. All y'all are the epitome of awesome Southern Hospitality at its finest. Good luck to you and your up-and-coming endeavors!

Driving Into Spring

I really would like to know how in the world people came to base season change on a small rodent. It must have taken years of careful observation coupled with, and I'm pretty sure about this, plenty of ethanol. To make the leap of faith, and to practice it yearly, that a groundhog seeing its shadow or not will dictate the arrival of spring is completely fascinating in a disgusting sort of way. (Plus, if you've ever watched the video, I'm pretty sure the whole thing is rigged, further negating any hold in reality.)

I know that there are those who enjoy the winter wonderland (the Wife being at the top of that list). They see pictures like this and think, "It's so beautiful." I look at this shot of a path near my backyard and all I can see is a world that has had its color removed and replaced with white and gray. It's like taking a talented artist, maybe the pbs guy named Bob Ross, and asked them to paint a couple of happy little trees. But, in a cruel joke, they gave Ross only white, black, and gray paint. I suppose I don't actually hate looking at the snow but my world dictates that I must interact with said substance.

It's right around this time of year, in case you haven't noticed, when I loathe living in the northeastern end of the country. Spring will NEVER arrive early. At this point, I'm pessimistic that it will arrive at all. But, like any semi-intelligent bloke, I took matters into my own hands. Since spring won't come to me, I'll go to spring.

So I packed up the Wife and dogs and headed south. For those of you who didn't know, there is a semi-inverse relationship between latitude and temperature. As a rule of thumb, not dogma, the lower the latitude the higher the temperature. I live at around 45º north latitude. The Banter-in-Law lives at around 35º latitude. As I said, the relationship is only semi-inverse. Back home, the temps were in the 20's. Upon arriving in central nowhere, AKA Oklahoma, the mercury had to the mid 40's.

The above shot is a pretty good representation of the entire state. As you can see, there is absolutely no snow on the ground. The white/ black/ gray has been completely replaced by the representative colors of brown and red. I haven't checked in to it, but I'm pretty sure those are the official state colors, mostly because there aren't any other colors available. (Aside: Rumor has it that just I missed a big snowstorm than pummeled the locals and delivered a good 3/4 of an inch. Shut the city down for 12 days and some people had to ration supplies because they were caught off guard by the heinous precipitation. The National Guard was leaving the state as we drove in. End aside.)

Further analysis of the picture will reveal the extremely low water levels in what passes for a 'lake' around here. Obviously the BIL's neighborhood planning committee was not composed of triathletes or they would have better removed the tree stumps from the 'lake' bed and made it available for swimming. No such luck. In the background, you can see that the state's representative colors are worked directly into the brick construction. Almost all of the homes celebrate the brown and red motif. In the foreground of the shot, you can clearly see that I am a horrible photographer who cannot remove his finger from the frame, thus negating any criticism I may have about the landscape.

You will also notice the lack of any deciduous trees or forests, further angering the spirit of Bob Ross. This fact continues for miles and miles through Texas down to the Gulf. Wind speeds and gusts have nothing but a couple of rogue cows to slow the circulating air.

I am not complaining about any of this. Upon arriving into Sooner country, I said my hello's and promptly went for a run. Remember, this is Lent season and the 20 hour drive was non-conducive to Lenting. The thermometer said 43º at 9:00 pm. I put on my shorts and did a 4 mile jaunt in relative comfort. I had stepped out of the car into a different state. And into a different season. I had arrived in spring.

Sick of the Winter

Seriously, I am DONE with snow. It bleaches the Earth and coats everything with a thick, unpleasant slurry. It really is a shame that it's not done with us. I know that it is only February and, from a meteorological perspective, spring is still another month and a half off. The possibility for snow is not only reasonable, but also highly probable at this time of year. That's besides the point. Anybody else with me on this?

And while I'm at it, I am also finished with the cold. For the record, my definition of 'cold' is morphing. It used to be anything under 20º. Then I brought the threshold up to the freezing point of water. Now, the freezing point of the Banter is hanging out in the mid-40ºs. This, of course, depends on the atmospheric pressure and my sodium content, which is ample these days. At this rate, I'll be your prototypical old guy retiring to Florida, complaining that anything below 70 is cold. If I were to make a graph and extrapolate, I may reach that point in 2.5 years. Awesome.

It doesn't look like the pain is going to end anytime soon. A quick glance at the near future weather yields this:

Boo! Unless, of course, this hits us hard and they close school. Then, I might celebrate. Unless they force us to make up the day when it's nice outside. If that's the case, I'm back to Boo! All of this would be better if the snow and cold just went away.

For those of you who are semi-science geeks, you'll understand why I am so winter-adverse. Most movements on land depend on an imbalance of opposing forces. You provide a mechanical force. The land provides a frictional force. (Okay, these are really just subsets of the same force, but that's fodder for another post.) Gravity (which is a separate force not yet unified with the others) pulls you down. Whether or not you actually move depends on the coefficient of friction, or amount of sticky between you and the land.

Sometimes, the coefficient of friction drops to drastically low levels. When that happens, navigation is incredible difficult. That is unless, of course, you are planning on going downhill. Then, things get rather efficient. Or painful. Or hysterical.

My Pantie Problem

[There's a lot of separate backstories to the main point of this posting. They come together at the end. Please be patient.]

Story 1- Online Shopping

The Wife does a significant amount of shopping online. We get all sorts of things delivered to the house, from food to toiletries to apparel. It's kinda like Christmas for me. A box appears on our doorstep courtesy of the local UPS guy and I'm all giddy with excitement about the surprise that's inside. Cha ching, it's the economy size pack of Puffs (the kind that you blow into, not the kind that you blow out of).

(Having just re-read that, I think I failed at clarifying my point. But I'm gonna keep it as I think it works anyway.)

Online businesses are confusingly sneaky in their marketing campaigns. We (meaning the Wife) did a product search. Then we (still meaning the Wife) purchase from a site that offers an appropriate brand at a fair price. We (meaning me) provide credit card information. They (meaning the company) ship the item to our (meaning our) house. We (meaning the Wife) open the box and reap the rewards.

You'd think that be the end of the purchasing story. However, they (meaning the company) require certain information to get the product to our (meaning our) home. Such as an email and street address. Then they (meaning the company) now feel that they (still meaning the company) and we (meaning the Wife) are best buds. They (I'm pretty sure you know who) will repeatedly send us (meaning me as it was my credit card) catalogs and advertisements to buy more of their products. They (you still know who) found a loop hole in the anti-spam/ junk mail laws.

That's how I (meaning me) receive repeated Victoria Secret catalogs.

Story 2- The Weather

I looked it up. For my area the coldest days of the year, based on average highs and lows, happen between January 10-25th. It seems that the jet stream, in conjunction with the Canadian Weather Authority, are aware of this phenomenon and have been working diligently to turn down the thermostat. Today is actually the 'warm' day of the week.

Despite what people think, January in upstate NY has an average high of right around the freezing point of water. This is the result of careful math over the past 100+ years of data. The average low is in the upper teens.

Not included in the chill- snow, ice, wind, and the penchant for plow vehicles to not care if you are running on the side of the road or not.

Story 3- The Training
I have dedicated myself to improving my run. I'm not much of a runner. I sport average speeds in the discipline but I recognize that I have room for vast levels of improvement.

The best way to improve your running is by... wait for it... because what I'm about to tell you lies opposite of what all of the Saturday morning infomercials tell you... it is contrary to everything that the masses want to hear (including myself)...

...The best way to improve your running is by running more. There really is no way around it. Running is a skill and, just like all skills, the more you (meaning me) practice the better you (meaning me) will get. If I want to be a better runner, I need to run.

The Second Story of this post has not helping much. This week alone, I have run in temps of 6º, 8º, and 13º. That's in Fahrenheit. For those of you who speak Celsius, allow me to translate: It's fricken cold!

Story 3- The Support Structure
Once you factor in the training with the weather, a new problem presents itself. Mostly in the world of sporting apparel. Layers upon layers of clothing are needed just to brave the elements. My wardrobe is wholly inadequate for the task.

In the summer time, what I'll refer to as the happy season, you can get away with minimalist attire. Shoes are used by most. Shorts are required by law. Shirts are optional. Ladies, this is even true for you in NY, so long as your not selling or lewding, so feel free to be free.

In the evil season, you still have the option of going free but exposure is not recommended. Hence the need for more coverage. The other day, I had on a base layer shirt, turtleneck, long-sleeved tee, and a jacket. For bottoms, I had jogging pants over running tights over running panties. I couldn't believe that I actually had to wear panties.

Most of my running apparel has built-in man supports. Panties are not recommended in running shorts due to the briefs or compressions sewn into the short. Coverage and comfort all built in to one garment. Without these marveling bits of technology, I (meaning me) would just become an extra in the cross county running scenes for the Movie Juno.

To be truthful, my boys don't need that much leverage. They were built strong and I have run many-a-times in boxers with no discomfort. I do own running panties for different reasons. Specifically I bought them because I coach, including leading stretching, and don't want any dude slippage in front of my athletes.

These panties are finally beneficial to me (meaning me) in the sport of running. Sometimes, despite their heartiness, the boys get cold. Cold on testicles doesn't actually do them much harm. Sperm can be deposited and frozen for many a year and maintain their virulence. It's just that the freezing environment scares the bejeezus out of them, as evidenced by their penchant to tuck and hide. The panties keep the nether regions warmer and less numb.

The Problem
I simply don't own enough running panties. I have been running from 7-9 times a week in an effort to increase my effort. Or is that decrease my effort? It doesn't matter. I simply don't have enough panties to keep up with the weather and my recent running habits.

This whole issue would be moot if the weather would change. Or if I moved. Or if I ran less. Since none of those things seem to be happening anytime soon, I have to figure out something else.

The Possible Solution
Here's the part where I promised you that all the individual stories would come together:

I've been looking a lot at the Victoria's Secret Catalog lately.

Anyone Else Survive?

Today is December 22, 2012... It is the day after the world has ended. As with any mass tragedy, there are always a few survivors. I am one of the lucky ones. I made it, as did the Wife and dogs.

During our last few hours on the planet, we decided that we were going out in style. What does that mean in the Banter world? We ordered pizza and watched reruns of Simpsons and The Big Bang Theory. Normal bed time is near 10:00 pm. We decided to hit the sack at 9:00 on the eve of our destruction. What's the point in staying up? If I'm going down, it would be best to be well rested.

The arrival of the End was not what I expected. The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse took on non-traditional shapes in the greater Rochester area. They presented themselves as Darkness (which may have been because my circadian clock is set for 5:00 am and it was the night of the Winter Solstice), Coldness (which may have been due to the fact that it is late December), Windness (there was lots of wind), and Pansiness (because I'm a pansy). My world was blanketed in a bleaching white as snow attempted to cover the remains of what was once called Earth.

Since I'm sure that aid is not on the way, I took inventory of the necessary supplies. My Garmin had a full charge, meaning that I have about 20 more hours of workout data recording. The Clif Bar supply was holding steady at 12 bars. The energy gels count was strong, reporting in at 40 individual packets (with some unreported stragglers waiting to be found in various bags scattered throughout the house and the Cave). The powdered sports mix canisters were registering at full capacity. In the refrigerator stands a gallon of skim milk, some various condiments, and last night's left over pizza. I also have 4 full bottles and half a box of wine. It would seem that my nutrition needs will be met for quite some time.

I checked the electricity and heat. Both seemed to be flowing smoothly. My best guess is that the automation systems installed by the energy companies did not fail the bombardment. Same goes with the water supply. I am assuming that, since I am one of the few remaining survivors on the planet, the stress on the energy system will be greatly reduced. I should have plenty of heat, electricity, and water to survive the winter. I am also rejoicing at the fact that I no longer have to pay the utility bill (unless, of course, that has been automated too).

Later today, I am going to go for a run. The purpose of this excursion is 3 fold: First, I like running and the effect it has on my psyche. When times are bleak, it is important to hold on to a bit of normality. Running will be a coping mechanism that will be necessary in the days, weeks, and months to follow as I come to terms with being one of the only survivors left. I am not sure when i will encounter another non-Wife human being. Second, I am using the run as a scouting mission. I need to catalog the damage and see what, if anything, can be salvaged from my surrounding area. There will be work in the future. That work will require supplies. I need to know what is out there. Third, on the outside chance that the world did not end and life is as it was, I would like to stay in shape. The lack of destruction would correlate to an up-and-coming triathlon season.

Here are the conditions that I expect to see on my run, in the best case scenario:

I am assuming that the rest of the internet has been automated and archived. No further updates on the state of the planet are available at this time. The world as we know it is gone. Obviously, you made it through the catastrophe too or else you wouldn't be able to read these words. At least, I'd like to think that someone is out there reading these words (it was never a given under normal circumstances). We must cling to each other for support. I offer up http://tri-banter.blogspot.com/ as the last bastion of hope in the abyss that has become our reality. Keep up the faith and know that what ever happens, I still remain to offer up to you the gibberish that is commonly known as my blog.

Please feel free to chime in and tell me how you avoided the inevitable destruction. That information may prove vital to the survival of the species and future generations.

Going Viral

This week was 'Winter Break' in the great state of NY. See, New York had this great idea that started sometime around the end of the last ice age. The greatest scientists and politicians of the Pleistocene Epoch crunched the data and noticed that February is the traditional coldest month of the year.

The Goal: Reduce energy spending in the public schools

The Method: Give the kids a week off school. By turning down the thermostats and turning off the lights, the state can save millions of dollars.

Collateral Damage of the Method: Parents must find ways to occupy their children during the day for a week in February. Most of that time is spent watching TV, playing video games, or browsing the internet resulting in brain decay and copious amounts of intellectual regression.

The Problem with the Method: In the old days, schools actually did turn things off. Now, in the days of automation and increased complexity of the school systems, relatively little is saved. School buildings are very busy places because they refuse to give certain staff the week off too (technicians, maintenance, housekeeping, secretaries, support services, etc.)

The Unexpected Benefit: The state had no idea when they planned this February break that I would become a triathlete. I get to use this time to provide a big boost to my training. I have 9 days of next to no responsibilities to really hammer out my training. Essentially, I get to become a pro. I can train as long as I want. I can take a nap in the middle of the day. The school still sends me a pay check.

The Problem with the Unexpected Benefit: Teaching is a dangerous occupation. Kids are not the most sanitary of individuals and germs spread like a California wildfire. Here's the bug that got me:

From the NIH

I would like to introduce the Human Rhinovirus. This nasty devil is not much more than a batch of protein surrounding a small stick of RNA. It's burr-like tentacles allow it to float freely through the air, from one student into their most hated teacher. Once this little incubus gets inside, it's hooks burrow their way into your upper respiratory system and injects its tube of RNA into your cells with syringe-like efficiency, turning your respiratory tract into a rhinovirus factory.


The Consequence of the Problem with the Unexpected Benefit: My professional triathlon career was over before it got started. The incubation process for the virus is about 2-3 days. I picked it up (through deductive reasoning after the fact) on Friday before break. On Monday morning, I started to feel a tickle. By Monday night, the nose was running. By Tuesday morning, I was in full blown misery. I didn't sleep for 3 straight days due to an inability to breathe. I did get some sleep last night, but it wasn't nearly long enough nor of high quality.

Collateral Damage of the Consequence of the Problem with the Unexpected Benefit: I went way over budget for the month of February in Puffs brand facial tissues. If you were a smart investor, you'd buy stock and reap the dividends of my cold.

The Blame: Of course, the state is fully at fault for this illness. If they hadn't come up with the idea of having a Winter Break, I wouldn't have gotten sick. They should do away with this useless week off. We get an official Spring Break in April. I would much rather trade the February break week for an earlier dismissal in June. Assuming state officials read my blog (which is highly likely), then not only will we be able to graduate our students a week earlier, but the total number of illnesses in the month of February will be dramatically decreased.

Slacking or Injured?

If you haven't noticed, I haven't written much lately. The end of January marks the first round of mandatory state testing here in the great state of NY. The rest of the union seems to intelligently use the natural holiday season as a semester ending hallmark, NY decides that they want to be different. While my students were preparing to take some of their required exams, they insisted that I help. As if I'm some sort of teacher. For their benefit, I excused myself from my normal duties of writing and working out. On the bright side, they did well. I have no regrets

The First Run Back
Whenever I take a couple of days off of exercise, I can tell by the feeling in my chest. Some people have exercised-induced asthma. I seemingly have the exact opposite. My chest gets constricted. It's hard to breathe. I wease. The first run back is the worst.

To compound the unpleasantry, it was cold and there was snow on the ground. In normal winters, this wouldn't be a problem at this time of the year. The 2011-12 winter season has been especially kind to runners. This weekend proved divergent from the norm. The temps were at least 3º below freezing. The horror. The night before, a minimum of a quarter of an inch of snow fell. The conditions set were at maximum crappy. (I know this is the internet, but your sarcasm meter has to be dinging right about now.)

As if I didn't have the chest pain, lack of stamina, and sluggishness that accompanied that fateful first run, I had the sub-arctic conditions compounding my slow speeds. If this is the way the rest of the world feels when they start running, I totally understand why sedentarianism trumps working out. Fortunately for me, the feeling lasts just one run assuming that I can continue not not-running. Until that time, I had to suck it up on this dreary of experiences.

Season Ending Injury?
When heading out into the frost, one must observe winter running rules. In the form of clothing, layers are encouraged. Ear warmers and gloves are a must. Accelerating should be done at a Yugo pace. The same for decelerating. I know all of this.

I also know that caution should be taken when going around corners. Snow removal is poor at best in non-vehicle venues. At any point, white may give way to something more heinous. For those of you who are treadmillians, cornering is not a skill that you need. Running outside requires a special set of strategies. Let me teach you the proper way to turn a corner.

For those of us courageous enough to brave the elements, one must start the deceleration process well in advance of the aformentioned turn. The fastest way around a turn is to take the inside tangent. In the winter time, it is also the fastest way to riding the pavement. Never, and I seriously mean never, should you take a turn at 90º. That is a recipe for disaster. Turns should be taken wide and slowly.

Now, to summarize the run thus far, I am asthmatic. I am cold. I am slow. I cannot accelerate. I cannot decelerate. I must take turns at a girth much larger than usual. My pace for this run was significantly less than spectacular.

Mid-run, it happened. I was doing everything correctly. Slow. Steady. Wide. Bam. Down goes the Banter. I was probably hitting a 3.2 mph stride when the coefficient of friction between my shoes and the ground changed dramatically. Absent the wonderful force of friction, as is the case when hard rubber pulls backwards on ice, my shoddy momentum kept my upper body moving faster than my lower. I landed on all fours. The dog laughed at me. Both wrists were smarting. But the grunt of the action was firmly planted on my right knee.

I hobbled back home at a pace, if you can believe it, slower than before. I peeled of my layers in an effort to view the damage. By now, my wrists were beginning to recover. My left knee had improved. The right knee continued to be a concern. I'm in a bad place right now. It still hurts. I am not sure that I can continue. I may have to visit a doctor. Surgery. Rehab. Physical therapy. I just might have to spend the rest of my running life in a brace.

I've included a picture of the wound. It is not for the weak hearted. If you have children, parental discretion is advised. It may not be safe for work. Steady yourself and let me know if you think it is as bad as I think.

Ouch