Wacky Wednesday- Ode to Good TV

See, even when you are Stockholmed into the bike trainer, you cannot go it alone. Spinning your cranks in 170 cm circles is not good enough to pass the time. You must, seriously, must do something else. I would really love to have some sort of live entertainment. Perhaps there could be some scantily-clad, double x chromosome-type figures and a large pole mounted in my workout room. In this fantasy life, which I could not pull off in any universe, we'd both get a workout.

Alas, it's just not bound to happen. Therefore, I've got bad movies. I have this internet receiver that allows me to stream Netflix to my TV all through the air. Once in a while, my wireless signal goes askew. Having experienced the spinning pinwheel of death on multiple occasions, I have a backup plan.

In case you didn't know, popular culture used to have entertainment on shiny, silver discs called DVDs. DVDs magnetically record data, which can take the form of Excel spreadsheets, audio, and/ or video files. One major problem with the DVD is that it requires the use of a DVD Player. You cannot interpret the DVD information without one of these contraptions. They really have cornered the market here. I confess that I actually own a few of these DVDs and a DVD player.

Understand that these DVD players can be rather inexpensive. Mine cost $30. It's the DVDs themselves that gouge you. Each one can cost somewhere between $5 and $20. Some people buy these things on a regular basis and have vast collections. I, on the other hand, own, um, Ok, I've never counted. I have 12 different Star Wars discs. (I know, there's only 6 movies and 2 of them are barely worth watching while another... not so much.)

After the galaxy far, far away, I have the first 6 seasons of the Simpsons (I'm not rich enough to own more). I'm a big fan and watch the show as much as possible via syndication or live. If you ever get the chance to watch the Simpsons on live TV, do it. They don't broadcast live very often as it puts a tremendous strain on the animators but it's always amazing when they pull it off.

As I understand it, there are some who don't appreciate the cartoon genius of a show. Most people cannot get over the yellow hue of the character's skin. Plus, there's a stigma about the show. Some folks believe it's  _________ (I'm not going to pretend to know what people think. I barely know what I think.)

I implore you, if you are not a Simpsons fan, give it another try. They are currently on their 22nd season and you are way behind. You've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm here to help. There are 2 ways to go about incorporating all that sarcastic goodness. You could either buy/ rent the seasons one disc at a pop. This is a really good option.

If you are time constrained, might I suggest another avenue? You could watch the first 100 episodes simultaneously. This should get you started on your path to the Light Side of the Force.

Wacky Wednesday- Ode to Recent Movies

As training gets into the full swing of things, I have been spending a lot more time in the basement. As a longtime member of Netflix, I am allowed to stream unlimited numbers of bad movies via my Apple TV. It's a great relationship until, for some reason, the streaming stops working. Not to worry, I have a few DVDs in reserve. And I stress FEW. I have all 6 Star Wars, of which 3 are mostly ignored. I have the Princess Bride. I have the first 6 seasons of the Simpsons (only 14 season to go to make the series complete for any would-be Santa's out there). That's it.

A friend of mine sent me this link: http://xkcd.com/ which contains witty satire in the form of science, mathematics, and geeky kind of stuff. Translation, I'm a fan. How's this relate to the sparse DVD collection? Well, the xkcd people have taken it upon themselves to mock my movies. Jerks.

For those of you who haven't seen the Bride, here's a summary:

Here's some mocking of Star Wars:

Here's a take on the relationship between technology and my chosen profession:

Wacky Wednesday- Thoughts on Evolution

As Winter Training season is rapidly approaching, there's something that's obviously been lacking in my life recently... Bad Movies. That's right, the summer kept movie watching to a minimum. I actually put my Netflix account on hold for a few months as more and more time was spent outside. Now that I am running out of daylight, the queue is back up and running.

Recently, I was sent a copy of "Creation". This flick re-pairs Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly. They met during "A Brilliant Mind" and were phenomenal. They are/ were married (I can never keep up with Hollywood Gossip). As a science teacher, you can probably see why this movie appealed to me. It's about evolution. It's got a monkey on the cover. It's got an A-list hot chick as headliner, of whom I've been drooling since Labyrinth. I was hoping there would be a nice fight scene between the evolutionists and creationists. What I got was the mental angst experienced by a soon-to-be-published Charles Darwin. Darwin, as you know, was a triathlete. I will probably be showing this movie to one of my biology classes. It is not something that I would recommend as a pump-up movie whilst doing high intensity interval training (which is fodder for another post).

But, while I'm on the topic of evolution, there are a couple of other images that come to mind, which I'll also be sharing with my biology classes. I re-discovered the first one while searching for funny Simpson's tombstones for last Wednesday's post. It's the Simpsons take on evolution. No matter how many times I've seen it, it still makes me laugh.

I find this amazingly similar to a picture taken from Chuckie V's blog. If you are unfamiliar with Chuckie V, that's a shame. He's a former professional triathlete and current coach. He's quite brilliant. He's also a bit outspoken which makes his blog quite entertaining as well as educational. He's got a picture somewhere in there that is hitting home a bit too hard lately (again, new post fodder).

Last Chance-Bad Movie Contest

If you have followed the Banter, you would know that winter begets indoor biking which begets movie watching on the trainer. Last week, I started a Bad Movie Contest.  The response to said contest has been completely underwhelming, which is to say exceeding expectations. Imagine the high levels of motivation to enter a contest which offers exactly 1 non-monetary prize: Eternal Glory in the Tri-Banter Bad Movie Hall of Fame. You will be immortally enshrined as the awesomeness that is you, simply for nominating a bad movie for me to watch.

Does this sound appealing? I sure hope so. Get your submission(s) ready as you are behind. There are already a few propositions on the board...

• "Nice Girls Don't Explode" as submitted by Kenestral.
• "Thankskilling" as unofficially submitted by Alanna
• "Waterworld" as requested by Austin (which violates rule number 4 and, by default, is withdrawn from the contest)

For a deeper understanding of how to recognize a Bad Movie, click here.

For Movie Contest Rules, click here. (Be sure to read the sample review. Contest rules at the bottom.)

Here is your chance to be Royalty. As a prize, I offer up my free will to your submission. Add a comment to this post and you are in the running to control my life and force me to watch a horrifically bad film. Your suggestion will go to the Tri-Banter Bad Movie Committee (very small committee, mind you), which will look at the description and movie title and make a selection as to which choice will offer the most pain. You wouldn't want to miss out on this opportunity.

Did I mention that entering the contest is absolutely FREE? That's right, there is no risk and all reward. The deadline to submit a bad movie is Wednesday. Don't miss out. Act fast as time is ticking.

Bad Movie Review

Welcome to the Bad Movie Review.

If your a regular follower of the Banter, I thank you. It's hard to believe I have a regular follower(s) after only a week of posting, therefore, you are AWESOME! For the others that have just stumbled upon it, welcome aboard (you are equally awesome, just so you know). I hope to entertain you for a long time in the future.

In an earlier post, I shared with you how to recognize a bad movie. Check it out here.  First, a disclaimer: I will discuss a bad movie. Get that. It is b.a.d. Second, a spoiler. I will probably give you the gist of the movie and spoil the ending. Third, just because it was bad does not mean I don't recommend it. Quite the opposite. I am encouraging it.

I watch a lot of movies while on the bike trainer. Many of the titles are new to me. Some are actually quite good. Not this one. Today's bad movie is entitled, "Dark Rising".  It was immediately obvious that this was a bad movie based on the previously established rules. It broke rules #1-4, 6. I have not had the guts to check out rule #5. The premise:

A young girl goes missing. Many years later, a group of 20-somethings (beautiful people) seance her back from the dimension in which she was cast as a lass. One of the male characters is in love with one of the females, but she is in a relationship with one of the other females. The last female 20-something wants to be a witch and buys a book on summoning. Witch girl, who is in pig-tails the entire film, takes the group on a camping trip, summons the missing young girl, who was presumed dead. (Oh, there's also a buff guy, who happens to be an obnoxious friend of the male lead, but is completely useless to the entire scenario.) But, the young girl has grown up and spent her entire childhood until now fighting demons. Apparently, the best way to fight demons is with an axe, knife, and bikini. Upon coming through the dimension, a demon comes with and wreaks havoc on the camping trip. The only way to cast out the demon is to re-open the portal and force the demon through, which was done by the male lead character to show his manliness. The demon-fighter bikini girl finally gets home, the evil lesbians die, and the male lead returns as a prince of the other dimension who needs help in fighting an entire legion of ugly demons. Bikini girl is more than willing to help in the fight and immediately falls in love with prince boy. Good stuff.

From the onset of the movie, it's tough to tell if these are professional actors or randomly selected people from the J.C. Penny catalog. Other problems with the film:

• It has B-movie level effects without the B-movie budget.
• It has, best to memory and not indicative that I was counting, 3 separate scenes of unnecessary nudity all involving the same character.
• The male characters are constantly wearing jeans and full sleeves while the female characters, at most, are wearing shorts and half-shirts, and a bikini.
• None of the fight scenes give the illusion that actual contact was made between fist/axe/knife and adversary.
• Tons of cheesy trying-too-hard-to-be-funny lines. Such as Him: Give the the axe, I'll kill the demon. This is my new manly side. Her: Since when? Him: It's new. I'm trying it out and I'll let you know how it goes.
• Did I mention that the female lead character is never seen without her bikini?
• Something was rising in this movie and I am quite certain it wasn't the dark.
  

I highly recommend you watch this bad movie. It has action, adventure, plot, beautiful people, and (apparently) a sequel. Advice for you should opt to see it...
-Ignore the obvious badness and focus on the positives. I try to think of the old, classic show "Mystery Science Theater 3000". They excelled at watching bad movies and made the best of it.
-Do not watch this movie while wearing bike shorts, especially if you are male. (Some lessons are learned the hard way through experience.)
-Do watch this movie if you live in a fraternity house and are in need of a good, drunken laugh.

It is, at this point, that I am interested starting a bad-movie contest. The rules:
1. The movie must be a new title to me. I've seen a bunch of bad movies from the 80s, not too many since then.
2. The movie must violate at least 2 of the rules. More violations are better.
3. The movie cannot violate the Kevin Costner rule (see Rule #4). There may be a Katherine Heigl rule added at any time.
4. A description of the movie, in 100 words or less, must be given in an effort to convince me to watch it.

I will select the best (or worst, based on perspective) bad movie, watch the movie, and give a detailed synopsis in the future (hopefully 2 weeks or less, depending on the response), complete with accolades for the recommender. I've got lots of biking to do before Ironman Lake Placid and since I don't want to risk outdoor biking in this climate, I've got lots of movies to watch. In the future, I hope to have prizes but I may be getting ahead of myself. Let the games begin.

Recognition of a bad movie

Winter means indoor biking. I have never heard of an indoor cyclist who put forth minutes on the trainer without some form of entertainment. The techies will have one of those computer training programs linked between the bike and monitor. They have digital courses on screen and automatically adjust the trainer resistance to mimic hills. Feedback from the software will match power output and heart rate data by the second and they can re-watch the entire training session from the computers point of view.

Others of us are poor. Luckily, I have enough money to rent movies from one of those places that send movies in the mail. They have thousands of movies to choose from, most of which I have never heard of. I have an open mind and am willing to try new things. That's the culture of triathletes anyway. Despite the availability of movies on the system, I loathe spending the time to research the good movies from the bad. I have been known to randomly pick films based on the site's recommendations. My queue currently lists over 80 titles and I haven't logged on for a few months now. Many of those I selected last winter and just haven't watched yet. I am often surprised when a new movie shows up. I don't remember picking it. Doesn't matter. The trainer awaits and the movie will be watched. Through experiential analysis, I have learned to immediately tell the difference between a good movie and a bad one before pushing play (again, I will still be watching it). I shall impart this knowledge upon you.

How can you tell if you rented a bad movie before you start watching? Here are some clues...

1. There is no studio disclaimer. The views and comments blah blah blah expressed are not necessarily blah blah blah representative of the studio, workers, or its parent company. As if we really thought that the mental spewing of the actors or producers matched that of the CEO of Universal studios, let alone those of the staff working at NBC (the parent company of Universal, in case you didn't know).

2. There are no previews. You put the disk in the player and the first thing that pops up is the main menu. There's a reason that previews start playing without any additional work from you. Hollywood is all about attention and self-promotion. No need to waste 10 minutes advertising movies on a film that no one will watch anyway.

3. Lack of subtitles. Most (not all) major movies will have paid someone to type up the script, watch the movie, and graphically place the words synchronized with spoken language. Some will even incur the additional expense of translating the movie into other languages like Spanish, French, or Swahili. Bad movies, typically, won't bother.

4. Read the description. If the words 'scantily clad', 'bikini warrior', or 'Kevin Costner' show up, there's a high probability that the movie is bad. The latter will not actually get watched.

5. Straight to DVD sales. That's right. Some movies were so bad that the studio didn't even bother watching them, let alone attempt to put them on the big screen. However, since they spent money making the movie, the studio tries to make up a budget deficit by copying it to a DVD and selling it for cheap. Most movie-affectionados won't buy this movie for themselves. They tend to purchase these movies for friends and family, mostly those that they don't like too much but are obligated to gift anyway.

6. Low to non-existent special features. Look at the main menu. It generally has at least Play Movie, Set-Up, Scene Selection and Special Features options. There's a lot of behind-the-scenes action not shown in the movie. The stars and the director have quips that you need to hear. The costume person has a talent for accurate designs. There's so much more to learn about the era. Special features not there-indicative that the director wasted his entire <coughing> "talent" on the movie or that the studio didn't give them an extra $15 for additional film. 

I am interested growing my bad-movie-sighting skills. Any suggestions?