Extra Gravity Drag Training

Science has known for quite some time that mammals gain weight in the fall. As part of their natural energy cycles, hormonal changes are sparked by the decreasing available sunlight and falling temperatures to encourage the uptake of higher energy foods. Comparatively speaking, fat is physically superior as an energy storage unit. We've all (hopefully) seen the side by side glance of fat versus muscle/ protein. Proteins and carbs require a large volume of water to store them, making them dense and, therefore, heavy. Your body, recognizing the hardships of a long and grueling winter, opts to convert its excess units of heat into floatable fat molecules.

Just in case:

In most competitive swimming circles, the season is a fall and winter sport. That means coaches all around the world are getting their athletes at their most buoyant time. That extra buoyancy makes it more efficient for a swimmer to stay on top of the water and, consequently, easier to flow through the water. Contrary to popular belief, coaches hate this. Granted, they won't tell you directly. You have to pay attention to the indirect methods of communicating their disdain. They called it "drag".

Here are just a few ways that my swim coaches over the years have forced additional drag onto me and my swimming mates:

• T-shirts

  

  Wrong type of drag suit, coach

• Sweatshirts
• Second, and sometimes a third, swim suit
• Speedos with large mesh pockets (conveniently called 'drag suits')
• Shoes in the pool
• Boots in the pool
• Swimming with someone holding your legs
• Tying a bucket to your waist
• Tying a bungee cord to your waist and the other to the end of the lane
• Anyone got another favorite they'd like to add?

The concept was that if they could make your swimming hell harder during practice, then when you stripped down to your loin cloth made of spandex, you'd be able to swim even faster. Your arms would be so used to the extra drag that you'd just fly through the water. And you know what, for the most part they were right!

Cyclists are much better at playing the drag game than runners. They have race wheels for competitions and training wheels for the rest of the year. Training jerseys are the cycling drag suit equivalent. They have one helmet for daily use and fancy, aero-helmets for the show. Some go so far as to shave their arms and legs to save watts (a concept they stole from the swimmers, I might add). I could go on.

Most runners suck at the drag game. Perhaps Olympic level sprinters engage in considering aerodynamic clothing options. Some runners will train in their "normal" shoes and race in their "flats", citing weight differences as their reason. Note: the weight difference is about 4 total ounces. I've yet to read the impact of 100 grams of rubber might have on the overall speed. The problem with runners is that the move at relatively slow speeds to make any gains potentially gained by aero-tech virtually moot. Even worse if you have the run speed of a comatose box turtle; I.E. me.

Well, I haven't been running much lately. I have this annoying achilles tendon issue that's got some extraordinary hang time. I learned, from a hamstring issue last year, that coming back from an injury too quickly yields in yet more injury. So I'm taking it cautiously and waiting until I'm sure that training won't cause this particular issue to worsen.

My most recent selfie

Luckily, I have been eating more. One would think that it would be smarter to lose weight during periods of sloth. Well, and this comes as no surprise, I'm not that smart. Or, am I?

See- running is a weight to power ratio driven sport. Here's where the Extra Gravity Drag Theory takes form. As bipedals, for each stride of the run, the human body is launched from the ground and quickly falls back. In order to perform this task, the runner must overcome the force of gravity. Gravity, being one of the four fundamental forces of the universe (the others being the strong force, the weak force, and the call of a bag of chips), is an ever present bastard that continuously pulls a mass towards its center. Gravity doesn't care how much you weigh, it pulls you down just the same. But, your legs care a lot. The more body you carry, regardless of muscle or fat, the more your legs have to work to overcome the pull. That means it's easier for a lighter runner to cross the earth on 2 legs than it is for a heavier one.

Since there isn't much in the form of external drag for runners, I'm resorting to adding internal extra resistance in the form of blubber. In the near future, hopefully, I'll get back to logging miles. And when I do, I'll have to cart around all this extra luggage. Conveniently, I'll have all of the extra stored energy I could ever want. There'll be no excuses for being lazy, right? Come spring, which hits in early July in these parts, the days will get longer and warmer. If things go as planned (which they never do), I'll lose some pounds and running will magically become easy. That's the theory. Anyone want to join me in testing this idea?

IMCT 70.3(ish)- The Swim

Okay, just in case you are unfamiliar with the blog or have minimal skills of deduction, this is a triathlon focused site. Once upon a time, I did an awful lot of race reviews. It's time I dust off that old ambition and get to writing things I know about... Which are really recaps of things I've already completed. For those of you who have access to my data feed, don't worry, there's some stories to tell. So, without further adieu (because really, who actually wants more adieu anyway?), I bring you my race report from Ironman Connecticut 70.3(ish), formerly and currently known as Quassy. Be forewarned, these can get a little wordy, so buckle in.

Pre-Race
Early this year, I found myself in the hunt for an early season half iron race. In years past, I would hit a semi-local race called the Pain in the Alleganies. It was the most difficult and most fun half I've ever done. Sadly, only about 7 other people agreed with me and the race was canceled. Luckily, there was IM Syracuse 70.3. I did that a few times. Then they canceled that race. (Note: I am suspicious that I might be the half-iron kiss of death./ End Note) I hit the interwebs looking for a June race that would pique my interest.

There were basically 2 that I could find in my time frame. They were Ironman Connecticut 70.3(ish), formerly and currently known as Quassy (hillier and harder) and IM 70.3 Eagleman, formerly and currently known as Eagleman (fast and flat). I reached out to the Outlaw (link to his bloggy thingy), friend, athlete, triathlete, client, and all-around excellent guy. He was looking to do a race right around that time, too. He made the mistake of letting me choose. I had to resort to the data to help in the decision. See, I have this unwritten race time to travel ratio rule. The rule is simple, I don't want to travel more hours for a race than the number of hours I'll be racing. So, that means about 1.5 hour travel for a sprint distance (Note 2: I round up to the nearest half hour for those of you getting ready to balk at my times. /End Note 2). I'll go up to 2.5 hours for an oly, 5.5 hours for a HIM, and roughly 79 hours for a full iron. Ironman Connecticut 70.3(ish), formerly and currently known as Quassy is 5.5 hours away (right on the edge of the rule) while IM Maryland, formerly and currently known as Eagleman is 7+ hours. Ironman Connecticut 70.3(ish), formerly and currently known as Quassy wins. (Note 3: The Outlaw really wanted to do the other race but was too pansy to speak up about it. /End Note 3)

IMCT Connecticut 70.3(ish), formerly and currently known as Quassy, is located in the middle of a nowhere state. Seriously, other than a minor college or two, I can't think of any reason why someone would visit the state. The race listed as being located in a town called Middlebury. I can't think of a more appropriate name for a town in this setting.

Check-in to the race was on the Saturday before race day. Due to the copious numbers of people registered for the race, they divided the check-in based on race numbers. Smaller numbers got to register early. Bigger numbers got to register late. The Outlaw is an All World Athlete (AWA), meaning that he got a small number. The Banter is an All World Nobody, meaning that he got a large number. (Note 4: Ironically, they assigned me #1974, which is my birth year, so I ain't complaining about an awesome coincidence!/ End Note 4) In theory, we were supposed to check-in several hours apart. I had intention of schmoozing a volunteer or 2 to let me check-in early. As it turns out, I didn't need my schmoozing skills (which are outstanding, by the way). The volunteers couldn't have cared less as to your race number, AWA, or AWN status. I checked in with the cool people.

They left us instructions as to how to rack your bike. I think I nailed it!

While there, we took a walk around the park to check out the venue. We saw a sign that summed up the triathlete's creed towards training.

I only wish I were joking. I met no fewer than 3 blokes on race morning who informed me that this would be their first swim of the year. Not first open water swim, but first actual swim. The swim course looked rather pleasant. It's a 1-loop triangle shaped path with the buoys on your right.

The Swim
One of the major concerns about this race is the lack of parking anywhere near the venue. Yes, it's in an amusement park called Quassy. I had these delusions of grandeur. And then I saw the park. It's slightly larger than your local summer carnival, if carnival grounds came with a couple of water slides. With a 6:30 am race start, we had to drive to a distant lot and get on the school bus/ shuttle to get us to the park. The Outlaw, traditionally, is one of the first people to arrive to any given race. The Banter, traditionally, arrives as they are kicking people out of transition. We split the distance and arrived on site about 5:45 am. That gave us about 15 minutes to set stuff up, or about 10 more minutes than I need, or about 90 minutes less than the Outlaw needs.

A quick glance around showed that the day wasn't as bright as it could be. There was a distinct haze in the form of a nice fog obscuring the view of an otherwise picturesque scene. At about 6:15, I was standing in line at the port-o-potty trying to perfectly time my last elimination of the day when it was clear that the race wasn't going to start on time. For 1, there were still athletes arriving from the shuttle bus system. For 2, there was no one yelling fervently as these athletes to 'hurry up' or 'you can't go in' or 'gtfo'. For 3, the excitement in the air was at an all-time lull, which is contrary from what you'd expect for a line that might be a few minutes longer than time left before the start.

After finishing my business, I moseyed on down to the lake front. I was circa 6:40. Buzz was that the race was now slated to start at 7:00. At 6:50, they made the announcement that the swim was to be shortened from a 1.2 mile swim to a 750 yard swim or about 0.4(ish) miles. A collective sigh went out amongst several athletes. Roughly 12 people, including the Outlaw and myself, started cursing our luck. We should have read that swim sign suggestion far earlier in the season. (Note 5: I was honestly supportive of the change. Due to the safety concerns of the swim and the collective triathlete's propensity to not be as prepared for that leg of the race, the lifeguards needed to be able to spot struggling athletes. Visibility was maybe 30 yards from the shore and got less as you made your way out into the lake. A shortened swim is far greater than a canceled swim. /end Note 5)

While awaiting our now re-postponed swim start, I met a guy named Frank. He would have been racing if it weren't for his recovering from a surgery (I think). Frank was taking pics of friend of his. I busted out the schmoozing skills I didn't use yesterdayand got him to snap a pic of me. Then I got him to text it to me. He is a much better photographer than I, and tossed in a bonus shot of the depth of the field, including the fog, for your viewing pleasure. I look forward to racing Frank in the near future, should life allow it.

Doing my best to not stare at the hotties on my left and right sides

Photo courtesy of Frank 

The swim was slated to be a rolling start. This was my first attempt at this style of racing. I had this vision that a rolling start would be similar to how they start runners at major marathons. You line up according to self-seeded abilities. The gun sounds and the athletes funnel into the water, already pre-sorted on shore. What I got was different. We were supposed to be called into the water in groups of 2-6 at a time separated by 3-8 seconds. This is more what a time trial start is like. Sadly, the first 50 athletes or so, including the Outlaw, ignored protocol and just went for it. There was a second, smaller group that waited their tiny amount of time. That's when the swim organizers stepped up their blockade game and got the athletes under control, which just so happened to be about 10 feet in front of me. They went to the 2-4 athletes every 3-8 seconds or so. I honestly couldn't figure out how they decided who and how long in between. They were using the force, or something similar. (Note 6: Word on the street is that they abandoned the rolling start protocol even before they made it halfway through the field, when it was clear that they wouldn't get everyone in the water in a timely manner. The race began and ended with a mass swim start, with a rolling start in between. /End Note 6)

As I entered the water, the swim and spotting was perfect. As I made the turn around the first buoy, it was clear that spotting the pathway was more challenging than the view on the shore would have led me to believe. This gives credence to the shortened swim decision. I found myself spotting the kayaks as much as the buoys. The way back into shore was especially difficult to navigate, since there were clearly athletes that had seeded themselves poorly, causing congesting and the need to go around several athletes. Plus, the fog had thickened.

The Garmin had the swim distance at 880 yards for a total time of 11:58. The official results said that my swim time was 11:58. Score 1 for the Banter and his ability to hit the lap button at the appropriate time. Minus 1 point for his inability to swim straight (although I doubt I did an extra 130 yards). Note the Finisher's Pic below and the level of fog.

I'm the guy with his cap already off

That 11:58 was good for 5th in my age group, 63rd amongst men, and 77th overall. Not to shabby.

Tune in later for more exciting action as the Banter takes to the middle of nowhere's version of a bike ride. There's lots more to tell.

A Users Guide to Circle Swimming

Way back in the day when I was an actual athlete, swimming was my sport of choice. And I wasn't the only one. There were 20-30 other losers guys in the school with similar ambitions (which basically meant to go down and come back as fast as possible). The pool was 25 yards long by 6 lanes wide. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you can't fit 20 boys in speedos side by side and expect them to have a decent practice. A creative solution was required. Instead of going down and back in straight lines, we sort of looped it at the end. We didn't have a name for this phenomenon, it was just something we automatically did.

Years later, after going to the community pool affectionately called the YMCA, I learned that non-swimmers call this thing "circle swimming" (Note: the term 'non-swimmer' here is being defined as people who don't really have a ton of experience swimming in briefs for the better part of their childhood/ high school/ college years. Other terms that I could have used in this scenario might have been, but not limited to: Adult Onset Swimmers (sub-note: I hate this term as it sounds like they have a disease /end sub-note) or Normal People /end Note).  I also learned that it was something that they didn't like to do. In their worlds, the line in the middle of the lane is not a guide but a divider should 2 people happen to be in the same lane at the same time. You have your side and I have mine. You shall not contaminate my side of the line for any reason. The swimmers just go with it and continue to circle swim, a term that they were recently taught, only their circles are a little smaller. The non-swimmers, in fact, loathe circling so much that many would sooner abandon their workout and leave the water should a 3rd person join the lane and force a rotational setting.

I have been loosely researching this lack of willingness to circle by the non-swimmers for the better part of a decade. There have been many failed hypotheses throughout this period. Some were due to poor experimental technique (EX: I now know that electric shock practices should not be employed in the pool) while other failures were due to non-swimmers unwillingness to complete a 35 page questionnaire. But, after much hardship (mostly on their parts), I think I've figured it out. Non-swimmers simply don't know how to circle swim. And now I'm going to teach them/ you.

The Art of the Circle

The first thing you need to know about circle swimming is that you don't actually make a circle. Circles traditionally revolve around a fixed point, called a focus, and have a fixed distance, called the radius. Literal circle swimming in the pool is possible, but they'd have to remove all of the lane lines and come to an agreement as to how wide they'd want the circle. Then we'd have the problem of wasting a lot of pool space since we're putting a round hole in a rectangular peg. It's just not an effective use of the space. (Plus, people will be tempted to make a whirlpool and then they'd be completely distracted from their workout.) Therefore, what we call circle swimming is closer to elliptical swimming with the group going around 2 foci imaginarily located near the T-shaped portion of the lane paint near the ends of the lane. They don't want to call it 'elliptical' swimming due to the facts that most swimmers and non-swimmers alike can't swim in a straight lines, there was some initial confusion because some people thought that they hooked up cardio machines of the same name in the pool, and the pathway isn't as geometrical as our former math teachers would like us to follow.

The second thing you need to know is that the line in the middle of the pool is very similar to the lines on the road (I'm making an assumption here that both of my readers have their driver's licenses). You stay to the right side of the line. Or, in an effort to make a simple concept more confusing, keep the lane dividing line always on your left. (Note 2: In backwards countries where they drive on the left, everything in the pool is also backwards, and you swim on the left. More proof positive as to how vehicle centric our world has become. /end Note 2). By doing this, it really doesn't matter if you're going down or coming back, you will magically not hit anyone traveling in the opposite direction.

That's pretty much it. Why non-swimmers are intimidated by applying the rules of the road in the water is beyond me.

But, Wait, There's More

Okay, there are some tips and tricks that they don't teach you in circle swimming school. These are traditions passed down in the pool from veteran swimmer to rookie swimmer, most of them learned the hard way.

Trick #1: Match speeds- If you pay even a smidgeon of attention to your swimming, you should have an inkling of an idea as to how fast you can swim down and back (swimmers affectionately call this a "50"). If you don't roughly know this pace, look at the deck clock, or if one is not available, you can Fred it up and look at your watch (Note 3: Fred is a cycling term but since there's no complimentary swimmer word for the concept, I usurped it. I'm confident you can glean it's meaning. /end Note 3). Now that you know-ish your 50 speed, upon arrival to the pool spend about 2 minutes watching the pre-existing swimmers and the clock/ watch. Traditionally, the fastest swimmers occupy the middle of the pool while the slowest swimmers populate the edges and the mediumest swimmers are crammed in between. Also, traditionally, most community pools don't care about tradition. (Note 4: This is the real reason swimmers don't immediately get in the water and they fidget on deck. They are conducting a meta-analysis of the happenings of the space to practice efficiently. And you thought they were stalling. Ha! /end Note 4.) Find the lane that most closely matches your pace. That's your lane.

Trick #2: Match skills- In the highly probable world that no one comes close to your speed, find someone with a similar skill set. Do you flip turn? (If not, you should start, Fred!) Does anyone else in the pool have a similar way of pushing off the wall as you? That's your lane. Are you planning on doing breaststroke and/ or elementary backstroke? Then don't get in the lane with the guy/ gal doing butterfly.

Trick #3: Leader stays left- Let's suppose that you know for certain, like 100% fact, that there's no on-coming traffic. That means that the left-hand side of the lane between you and the wall to which you are heading is completely clear. You are now the leader. Congrats! You can pick and choose to swim wherever in the lane you want. If you move over now, you won't have to worry about trying to figure out how to move over at the wall. See how smart you are!

Trick #4: Passing- This is probably one of the most complicated tricks of the trade. It requires both parties, the passer and the passee, to understand what's going on. Here's the system, and pay close attention here: the passer comes up the the soon-to-be passee. The passer does one of the most annoying things possible, on purpose. The passer touches a foot of the passee. If you are a nice passer, you'll only make the touch once. Sometimes you'll slip up and hit it again. Caution- hit it too many times and you might get hit back. Anyway, the touch is to communicate that you are going to pass. The passee should move just a little bit to the right. This is especially important if they are really good at Tip #3. The passer sees this happen and makes a check down the lane for on-coming traffic. Once the left side of the lane is clear, the passer surges to go past the passee. (Note 5: The
passer should have plenty in the energy tank since they have been sandbagging in the draft zone of the passee. Now's the time to expend that pent-up speed. /end Note 5.) Also, the passee (and pay attention here) needs to let the passer pass. Do not choose this exact moment in time to engage your ego and speed up. The passer is now the leader of the lane, even though they are in 2nd place. The passer takes the left side, hits the wall, and becomes the first placer. The passee goes on swimming like nothing ever happened.

Trick #5: Stopping- During an official practice, everyone in the lane is doing the same thing, lest you face the coach's wrath. At the Y, not so much. Therefore, you might be hitting the wall and stopping whilst the people behind you are continuing on. You have the responsibility to get out of the way. Since the person that's still swimming is now the leader of the lane, as evidenced by the fact that you are not making a return trip, they should be moving to the middle or left of the lane. If you decide to stand on the wall, you are encouraging a collision. A passive-aggressive swimmer will flip and use you as the wall. This is not as efficient as it sounds. You'd think that they get to push off a foot or two early. Sadly, you are a slippery, slimy mess with funky contours which is not conducive to pushing off with verve. Your play is to stay to the right side of the lane. If you are not the only one there, then all members of the non-currently-swimming community also stay to the right and line up against the lane line. The left side of the lane, from your perspective, is reserved for the next person who's going to start swimming.

Trick #6: Strokers- Are you doing something non-freestyle? It is your responsibility to not hit the other people in the lane with your flailing limbs. Butterfliers typically do a 1-armed stroke, hopefully with the inside arm remaining still and the outside arm doing the work, when crossing paths with a return swimmer. Breaststrokers try to hold their streamline a little longer as they make the cross. Backstrokers will... Well they got nothing and will likely just grope you (or the person in the next lane). Such is life. I have no idea what the people doing alternative strokes are supposed to do. (That might be on my next list of research ideas.)

And there you have it. Just remember these simple guidelines, while trying to remember your set, while trying to pay attention to your technique, while trying to figure out your exhale/ inhale pattern, while trying not to drown, while checking out the hottie in lane 4, while trying to not to swallow water because you've been training hard, while trying to figure out what to cook for dinner, and you'll be golden. It's not that complicated people!

I'm Fastest When I'm the Slowest

Have you ever heard the saying, "Slow is smooth, smooth is fast?" Perhaps not. It's typically used in tactical settings, such as sniper sighting, Navy Seal instruction, picking up hotties, and other forms of military training. I'm familiar with none of these. I do, however, appreciate the conflict in the concept. Rushing around makes for sloppy technique, which in turn makes you slow. Being slow and deliberate in your movements makes you smooth, which makes for quality technique, which in turn makes you get the hottie's number faster without even trying.

I was thinking about this idea of slow being smooth, smooth being fast the other day while in the pool. Swimming is highly technical. When you rush it, your stroke gets sloppy. The better your form, the faster you'll go. Lucky for you, and maybe me (we'll see), swimming fitness and swimming technique climb the hill together. This is the reason that competitive swimmers will put in 10's of thousands of yards of swimming in an easy week. Sometimes, they'll reach 10k+ in a day. Every stroke is both fitness building and technique building. The more strokes, the more fitness and improved technique. Triathletes, especially ones that don't come from a swimming background, don't appreciate this as much as they should. We struggle to get to the pool 3 days a week and believe that 2500 yards is a big deal. Sadly, there is no shortcut to speed in the water...

...Actually, there is this one little thing. It happens when the Male Ego Gene thinks that a you should be superior than those around you even though you're not. As a result, you will go faster. Here's the catch, you will be trying. But, you won't know that you are trying. Which should make you wonder- if you are trying without knowing that you're trying, does it count as effort? (I, being a science guy, know the answer to this question.)

Here's how the situation played out in the pool: As always, lanes 4-6 were water aerobics people with silvery type hair (Aside: I must be inadvertently stalking these people. We are always at the pool at the same time, regardless of the day or the pool. Either that, or there is a never ending feed of classes. I really don't know. /End Aside.)

Lane 2 featured a 10 year old girl. She was wearing a blue competitive suit, odd in these parts (the competitive thing, not the color thing or the girl thing). She reminded me of a Sailfish (featured in the pic). She and the sailfish had a lot in common. Obviously, they're both sporting the color blue. They had thin, sleek physiques that slice through the water. Sailfish and the girl clock in at somewhere between 4 and 5 feet in length. Sailfish are known as the fastest in the water, reaching speeds near 70 mph. The girl wasn't far behind. There were a couple of notable differences between the two, in case you were wondering. 1. The girl's nose wasn't that long. 2. She was a lot smilier than shown in the image. 3. Her dorsal fin wasn't nearly as pronounced.

In lane 1, near the wall, was a college-aged dude who was a little soft in the middle but had big, beefy swimmer shoulders. He had one of those swim caps with an American flag and his name. Well, I assumed it was his name but I never got a chance to validate that assertion. There were some barriers towards that reading. First, I'm nearsighted and the writing wasn't large. Second, I typically don't check out the dudes spend that much time in a single spot, proffering to workout. This makes reading a bit more difficult. Third, he was doing a butterfly set. He slipped through the water like a bottlenose dolphin, smooth and undulating. It was a pretty sweet spectacle to behold. Why would I bother trying to read his cap when there was so much beauty in his stroke?

In lane 3 was the Banter. For those of you who haven't had the privilege, my aquatic spirit animal is a manatee. I hang out just beneath the surface with a perma-muffin top that refuses to disappear on it's own. Instead of swimming, I just hover inches below the surface yet still seem to move in a forward direction. People aren't really sure which of my body parts cause the propulsion. We both are super gentle and not that smart. In all fairness to the manatee, they are significantly cuter than me.

In sets of last week, I was holding my 100 yard repeats on the 1:40 and feeling accomplished (it really is such a sad state of mind). Well, it didn't take me long to notice that the 10 year old sailfish and the butterflying dolphin dude were both holding intervals at a much faster speed than my seaweed grazing sack of goo was capable of achieving. Much to my surprise, when I hit the wall on the first rep, the deck clock announced that I had arrived in a 1:21. Excuse me? I was certain it was a mistake. Well, the ego gene was firmly in command at this time so I made the decision to send off on the 1:30 instead of the 1:40. Typical progressions go in 5 second intervals, meaning that a smart guy would have tried for the 1:35, based off of recent training past. Remember, I'm a low IQ sea cow. The second rep landed on the 1:22, as did the 3rd and 4th. The fifth slowed to a 1:25.

I took a breather and recharged my mojo by watching the superior marine life in the lanes next to me practice their trades. Their techniques couldn't be any more different from each other and from mine. They were united in the notion that I would have been a significant roadblock had we been sharing a lane. I pushed off on the second set of 5x100s thinking that I'd be back in reality land. Nope. I held 1:23-24 for the lot and kept my interval at 1:30.

It was as it's always been. By swimming with people who are faster, the mind and body get stretched out past the limits they placed. In being the slowest person in the pool, a situation that I loathe, I became faster than I've been since my return to the drink. I wasn't even trying to go that fast. It just happened.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, yes, it counts as effort. How do I know? Later on that night, I couldn't lift my arms above my head. (Aside 2: I really didn't have much of a reason to lift my arms above my head. The only reason I know about the struggle stems from a yawn and attempted stretch. If it weren't for that, I'd still be thinking that I'm some sort of super-adaptor. Again, I'm not that smart. /End Aside 2) The unknowing effort caught up with me. Which is alright, since I spend most of the evening not moving and grazing. I'm a manatee on land, too.

Finding My Inner Dog

There's not much difference between dog culture and swimmer culture, in terms of seeing members of our species. Dogs are highly predictable when it comes to seeing other dogs. They choose between 1 of 2 reactions. They are happy to see another dog, which results in barking and tail wagging. They are grumpy to see another dog, which results in barking, raised fur, and sometimes tail wagging. Swimmers are the same way. All you have to do is replace barking with grumbling. (Note: The tail wagging is a thing. However, it's much less pronounced and people accuse you of being a creep if you go looking for it. Especially when they're females in bathing suits. Trust me on this.) Further, both are pack animals and follow the lead of the alpha in their vicinity.

Since I haven't yet recovered from my foot injury, I decided to get in the water. This is way out of character for me to be swimming at such a time of the season when my run sucks so much. (Okay- you got me. My run always sucks.) We had a day off of school, I went to the pool.

The Thing About the YMCA Pool
If you ever get the chance to swim at the Y, you'll notice something completely ironic. Lap swimmers are treated as second class citizens in the lap pool. Almost always, the pool people will tell you differently. They'll tell you that there is forever a lane reserved for lappers. But, what they won't tell you is how tedious it is to physically swim in that lane.

Take this recent Tuesday's swim. I stepped out onto the deck at 9:30. I immediately saw lanes 1-3, of the 6 available, cordoned off for the Active Older Adults' Water Bouncy and Raise Your Arms Above Your Head class (I think that's the published title). This class had 722 people (I counted the legs and divided by 2), all over the age of 60, and the pool water level was at an all-time high. Lanes 5-6 were posted as 'Swim Lessons', which included 2 people per lane. One was a kid and the other was an adult. It was unclear as to who was giving the lesson and who was receiving.

Lane 4 was for the lap swimmers. Upon arrival, I glanced down the lane to find two water walkers with those styrofoam dumbbell thingies (I honestly have no idea what they're called). I have dubbed these water walkers Ron and Nancy. Both looked to be somewhat more in-shape versions of the Active Older Adults that were still bouncing and raising their arms 3 feet to the right of where they were standing. And, both were smiling and waving at me to join their lane. Who was I to argue? My inner dog wagged it's tail, happy to be included.

The Different Reasons I Was Slow
When I go to the pool, I try to relive the good old days, ya know, when I was good. Now, I'm just old. Regardless, I go to the lap pool with a set in mind that's more than just going down and back. (Okay, it's exactly the same as going down and back, except that I know when I'm going to stop and look at the deck clock.) I'm a lot slower than I used to be.

Compounding the biology, the AOAWBRYAAYH class was a force with which to be reckoned. For one, they are highly distracting. The instructor is out of the water, on deck, and everyone in the class facing in that general direction. Therefore, I get lots of fabulous views at retired butts in lycra. (This is why I started counting legs.) For two, when you have 722 individuals all bouncing and raising their arms over their heads in unison, the disturbance on a non-compressible fluid such as water is immense. (Note: This does make for excellent open water swim training). And, since the tsunami machine is perpendicular to the path that I'm trying to swim, it's all resistance without the boost. (Aside: I wonder why they don't hold these classes at the water park. I bet the park could save tons of money in the wave pool. /End Aside.)

I think, at this point in the post, it's only fair to say that Ron and Nancy were not a barrier to speed. In fact, they were a couple of the best lanemates I have ever had. They were observant and readily made space anytime I came flailing by. They were vigilant in their work. And, every once in a while, they took a tidal wave in the face that was earmarked for me.

As if the undulations of a normally sedate pool weren't enough, crap I'm out of shape. This came glaring at me during a set of 100s. I used to be able to pop those babies out on the 1:20 without a care in the world. I set my sendoff at the 1:40. The first one was great. The second was a little less great. The third was tedious. I forget exactly which one caused me to pause due to all of the heaving and an incomprehensible feeling of numbness in my arms. I hung out on the wall looking like I was trying to chew the air. Nancy had just finished a walking lap and moseyed on up for a chat. It's the first time that I've actually taken a good look at her. She was in her 60s and in great shape. (Aside 2: If your hair is silver and you bleach it, what color does it turn? I think that's the hew she was sporting. /End Aside 2.) She was wearing a nice tiger-print one piece. My inner dog was wagging it's tail. (And I hoped that no one noticed.)

"How long you been at this?" she asked.  "This is my 2nd time in the water since September," I reply. Although, it didn't come out that smooth. It was more like, "This is <gasp for air> my 2nd time <breathe breathe> in the <breathe> water since <cough> September." It was so bad that I'm pretty sure that I could play the next wheelchair buddy in the Hollywood reboot of Malcolm in the Middle. At least I was telling the truth. I swam twice in September, both in races. The official last time I trained in the water was in early August, nearly 6 months ago. (And yet I wonder why I'm slow. Talk about irony...) "Wow, you're fast!" She replies. "We come 4 days a week." I reply back, "Well, it's clear you're in better shape than me." (See note on the speech patterns of the wheelchair buddy). Nancy turned and headed out for another lap. My inner dog barked and I followed the alpha down the lane.

Enter the Other Swimmer
As the set went on and I got slower and slower, the AOAWBRYAAYH was seemingly tireless. During a moment of weakness, I considered joining the class. If they ever have a triathlon that is water bouncing, biking and running, I'm there. Since that's not currently a thing, I continue to toe the line between training and a swimmer in distress. A door to the deck opened up and out came a middle-aged women who saw the exact same scene I did upon my arrival. Only she was clearly perturbed by what she saw. Protocol dictates that the non-lap swimmers must vacate the lane and make way for a lapper. Ron and Nancy initially side-stepped the protocol by sharing the lane with me. But, now that there was fresh meat for the lane, they were forced to leave by appearance of the new girl. My inner dog growled. I would have raised my fur if I had any recognizable body hair.

"Can you believe those people?" new girl says in a tone of indignation, "This lane is supposed to be for lap swimmers." I say, matter of factly, "They were some of the best lanemates I've ever had." And I push off for my next interval of shame without seeing the reaction from the new girl.

As I zoned back into my set, I noticed that Ron had gotten out of the water and headed for the hot tub. He's clearly a smart bloke since he knows that when the AOAWBRYAAYH ends, the population of said hot tub will increase exponentially. I went back to counting legs to see how much company he'll have. The number was pretty close to the last time I counted, with a minor change. My number had stayed at 1444, but I also noticed one tiger-skinned butt. My inner dog was wagging it's tail again.

Like any good pack animal, I followed the example of my new-found alphas. I've been in the water 4 days this week. I haven't seen Ron or Nancy again but I know that I've made them proud. RUFF!

Ok, So I'm Not a Chess Master

It's been said that a chess master, or a grandmaster, or a grand poobah, can look at the pieces of a game in progress and be able to recreate the game in their minds. (Aside- just for the record, I am no where near a chess master. In fact, I was in my mid-30s before I learned that the game wasn't called 'chest'. /End Aside.) They can see the opening moves and the plays that came to pass. They can also see the next logical moves in the sequence and predict the end game.

To test this hypothesis, they set up several games in progress and tested the members of the Royal Order of Water Buffalo's. They passed. Then, they did something brilliant. They set up the pieces at random of a game that was never played. To you or me, it would look like a normal hodge-podge of pointy shapes sitting on a checkerboard. But, the masters were flummoxed. They couldn't understand how those plays came to be. In essence, they passed the next stage of testing without even knowing it.

Coaching is a little bit like this. A decent coach should be able to look at a workout, or a series of exercises masquerading as training, and figure out where an athlete is in the season. Or, at the very least, they should be able to tell if a workout is a good one or not. This is where the art of coaching meets the science.

One such occasion happened when I was coaching one of my athletes in the pool. Enter the Outlaw. The Outlaw is an amazing talent. He scored a 91.9 in the USAT rankings in 2016. For comparison, I'm no slough at sport and I earned an 84. That ranking placed him at 254th in the US in his age group. I kid you not when I say that he underperformed. I started working with him later in the summer last year and I have full confidence that he'll be on the first page of that list with great things left in the tank.

The Outlaw trusts me to dictate his training. I write the sets. The distances. The intensities. He does the work. In fact, out of all of the athletes I've ever had the pleasure to work with, he is the easiest athlete to coach. I say, he does. That's pretty much the end of the story. Yes, he does his due diligence by providing feedback on the workouts. Not once have I ever heard a bit of whining, belly aching, or a suggestion of pansiness coming from the Outlaw. Since I'm a big pansy, I'm often confused by his demeanor. At least I'm smart enough to not ask him about it.

The Outlaw was a swimmer and a runner in former lives (not so much of a cycling history, though). He's one of those blokes that would crush pretty much everyone in the water on basically zero training. Much to my surprise, he told me that he wanted to start swimming again. How can you say no to an athlete like that? I started writing him sets on his easy days (see comment on his cycling history). As always, I write the work and he does the work, without question.

During one of his sessions, I had the pleasure of sitting down on the deck and coaching his set. Now, understand that I wrote the set a week before he did the work. And, I may not have had my full faculties when I penned the effort. I was recently injured at the time. I may not have been feeling well. And, to no one's surprise, I'm not that smart in the first place. The moment I sat down and reviewed the workout, I became a chest master. I immediately noticed that there was something wrong with the set. The pieces weren't in the right place.

Here is the set, exactly as it was written, for your review. See if you can spot the problem.

Any guesses yet?

Perhaps you did the math. This is typical swimmer speak and the exact reason that they teach you algebra in high school. Once you total everything, you'll come to the conclusion that this is indeed 2000 yards.

Maybe you think that 1:30's for a cruise interval is a bit fast. Not for the Outlaw. In fact, I'm pretty sure he didn't even break a sweat. Yes, when done right, swimmers sweat a great deal in the pool. Even more so when you're swimming at the Y and the temps are kept at Silver Sneakers standards. I could have adjusted his sendoff to the 1:20 and it still would have achieved the goal. But, I wanted him to really work the next set and he's a bit out of shape by his personal swimming standards.

If you're a typical triathlete, the next set should give you pause. It's got stuff that's not freestyle. In the triathlon world, IM stands for Ironman and serves as the cornerstone for multisport tattoos. In the swimming world, IM stands for Individual Medley. The IM is a ridiculously fun event that consists of swimming butterfly, backstroke, breaststroke, and crawl. It's the event that I swam (slowly) in college. In training, these sets serve as cross training and strength training in the pool. Every swimmer on a competitive team is required to do stroke work and they will come out of the day a better all-around swimmer for their efforts. Triathletes tend to rebel in masses against the concept.

The problem isn't with the concept of stroke work. That's solid. The problem is in the number of repetitions. There is no way possible to make that set work. The IM doesn't divide evenly into 10. Once in a while, the "evil" coach will cancel the crawl, making the IM as fly, back, breast, repeat. That changes the multiple to 3, which still won't go into 10. The Outlaw, bless his heart, tried to come up with solutions. (Aside 2- This is proof positive that he's a swimmer. Put a coach on deck and a swimmer will do whatever is in his/ her power to get out of doing work by chatting up the coach. It fails every time but the swimmer will try anyway. /End Aside 2).

Due to my failure, I had to call the audible. The options were to increase the reps to 12 or decrease them to 8 (not 9, since I'm not necessarily evil yet.) I changed his set to 8. I applauded this decision as I watched him nearly drown on the fly, he was smooth on his backstroke, the lifeguard got worried on his breaststroke, and he destroyed the crawl.

When the Outlaw got finished with his set, it was clear that he was adequately worked. Good call, Coach Banter! I'm glad I was there to save the day and recover from the crappy set-writing in the first place. Still, just in case the coaching thing doesn't work out, I've sent my application to FIDE, because I'm pretty sure they want guys like me.

What to Expect When You're Syracusing- The Swim

My intent is to pass along knowledge based on experience for any and all those who are planning on doing IM Syracuse 70.3 (even if you have no intention of ever doing this race, maybe you'll find it interesting). If, at any point along the way, please feel free to raise your hand and ask questions. (I suppose you could also leave a comment.)

Links to other posts in this series
Pre-Race
The Swim (viewing)
The Bike
The Run

Pre-Swim
If you've done everything efficiently, you have made it to the race site before transition closes. According to published information, transition actually opens around 4:30 am (I, typically haven't even awoken by this time). It closes near 6:45 am (if you're lucky, you can bribe a volunteer to let you stay in a little longer- I know this from experience).

While in transition, make sure your gear is taken care off. Get your fluids and nutrition on your bike. They will have some of those large, orange coolers filled with water and with a sports drink (supplies by whoever is this year's sponsor). There will be lots of pumps in transition, either from fellow athletes or from the race support sponsor.

Borrowing a pump is as simple as asking, "Can I use your pump?" which is 100% of the time responded in the affirmative. The race mechanics, just like Hans and Franz, might pump you up without any work of your own. If you are too shy to ask the question, of course you can bring your own.

The race "starts" at 7:00 am. Don't worry, you won't actually be starting at that time. That is, of course, unless you are a male professional triathlete (then one would have to wonder why you are reading anything posted here...). Syracuse 70.3 is a wave start. In 2013, there will be 13 total waves, separated by about 5 minutes. The older and more feminine people will start earlier than the younger, virile males. I, for example, will be hitting the drink at 7:50. As if the pros need a 50 minute head start against the likes of me.

One aspect that I think is well done at Syracuse is that they have a morning bag check. This means that you don't have to stand around in your wetsuit, shivering in the cold (should the morning temps be cold enough to cause shivering). You can wear shoes to walk around. You can have your favorite hoodie. You can jam the tunes on your music player.

As your time nears, you can dump all of this in your official Morning Clothes bag, which was given to you when you checked-in yesterday, and hand it to the nice volunteers manning the tent. "You don't need to worry about your morning stuff during the race. We'll take care of it for you."

There is a warm up area, should you be the kind of person that likes to waste his/ her energy splashing around in the water before your race. There is a 97% chance that the swim will be wetsuit legal during any given year. In fact, the swim hasn't even been close to the temperature cut-off. In case you didn't know, the WTC is a little odd in their wetsuit temperature policy. The rules say that wetsuits are fully legal up to 76.1º. They are fully illegal above 83.8º. There is a gray area between those numbers. If the water happens to be in the midst, you may decide to wear a wetsuit but will forfeit your eligibility to win anything. No age group awards. No slots for the World Championships. You only get a finisher's medal, hat, t-shirt, and post-race dinner (all of which is probably what you would have gotten anyway).

The Swim

Congratulations, you have been patient enough to make it to your wave start. Everybody in your wave will have similar colored caps, which were given to you yesterday. Sadly, there is no official start line. You enter the water until it's about waist deep. Someone in the group will stop. Current scientific research has failed to identify the exact reason why that person stops where they do or while the rest of us idiots accept that decision. We all form a line in the vicinity of the stopper but are careful not to venture out further then that person.

Eventually, someone will yell go. If you're lucky, there may be something more official, such as an air horn. If you miss it, that's okay. You'll recognize the commencement of your race because everyone else has gone horizontal and started flapping their arms.

The swim is a clockwise swim with the buoys on your right (perfect for right-side breathers like myself). Since the swim is in a reservoir and protected on 3 sides, there will be minimal chop. The first leg is roughly 800 yards. You'll know when you've reached the turn buoy as it will be a different color. Turn right.

In my experience, the first turn is greater than 90º. It's closer to 110º. Should you only turn at a right angle, you'll start to add yardage onto your swim (again, it's been my experience). This leg of the race is about 200 yards and you are swimming directly into the sun, which is not as reliable a marker for spotting as you would expect.

Again, the turn buoy will be seen as a different color than the ones you've just been seeing. You turn right and head for the beach. Pay attention here. The buoys on the 3rd leg of the swim do not lead you directly towards the swim exit (at least they haven't in the past). The buoys make a 90º turn but the exit is directly at about 70º. If you choose to swim near the buoys, you will go out of your way by about 25 yards. Spot the swim exit arch. It'll be big and white. From a 1000 yards away, you would be able to read the words "Swim Exit" but it will be the only white archy-shaped thing against a green background. Swimming straight for the swim exit arch has a second benefit as the masses will be following the buoys where as you, and really I mean me, will be in clean water. Sure, there may be people to draft off of but there will also be slower swimmers from earlier waves to slalom through.

The Strippers
Exit the water onto a sandy beach. After a short 50 yard jog, you'll come across a slew of strippers. No, not the sexy, Gentleman's Club kind, but the kind that will remove your wetsuit for you. What's the difference? You are not expected to hand out dollars for services rendered. These people will give you attention for free.

Should you wish to take advantage of their talent, run up to a couple of volunteers. Make sure you have peeled your suit to the waist. You must do this part yourself (sorry). It's best to communicate your intention to the strippers. I tend to spot a likely victim who is available and point at them. They will acknowledge your presence. Run up to the couple and sit down in front of them. They will grab to top of your suit and yank it quickly. Just like a magician ripping a table cloth out from under the dishes, your suit will magically disappear from your body. Sometimes, they will help you off of your butt and onto your feet. They will always hand you your suit and send you on your way.

Transition is still quite a distance away. I haven't actually put the Garmin on the task, but I believe that the transition area is about 300-400 yards away. Remember that the clock doesn't stop because you are between the water and the bike. Also remember that it's a long day and you are only 10% or so of the way finished with the race. Plan your energy expenditures wisely.

Now that you've successfully made it to your bike, I'll tell you how to tackle the bike course. Stay tuned.

Open Water Simulation

The official start to the triathlon season is right around the corner. I particularly like this time of year. The temperatures are gradually warming up (and in the case of 2013, I'm stressing "gradually"). There is a certain buzz in the air, both literally and figuratively.

Literally- since due to the warming temps, insects feel the need to resurrect themselves from wherever they winter. Many of these aforementioned insects, seriously many, breed incessantly. A venture to the world away from my recliner yields dive bombs at my noggin like I'm King Kong to their helicopters/ prop planes (depending on which version you watch). I try and tell them that I'm only trying to coerce the hottie but they are not interested in negotiation. They only want blood, sweat, and or tears.

Figuratively- since with tri season almost here, it just feels like there's more energy in the air. I go out for a ride or a run, it's almost as if the air is alive willing me to faster or further. Either that, or I've been working out near power lines and can simply hear the flow of electrons though thickly gauged wires. That's still energy too so it counts.

Spring time is often a time of rebirth. There are a lot more people spending a lot more time on the roads and trails. It's kinda fun not to be the only idiot running on the road anymore. One thing that mid-Spring does not offer is a nice place to practice open water swims.

Water has some exceptionally nice properties. It's pleasant to look at, which is good since it makes up about 78% of the earth's surface area. It's rumored to be one of those essential chemicals for life, as evidenced by the fact that you and I are about 80% H2O. It's one of the most polar chemicals on the planet, and not just up north. It's an efficient solvent for many compounds. In certain situations, you can add it to large molecules and water magically transforms them into smaller ones. Plants split it while making sugar. Running it over your body reduces your stank. It's the main ingredient in both beer and wine! Some people even drink it plain, without any cooking, flavoring, or fermenting. Weirdos.

One problem with water is that it refuses to change temperature. The scientific term for this is specific heat. Water's is high. The layman's term for this is: Damn, the lake is still cold. Whereas, I live close to 1/5th of the world's fresh water supply, I don't have to worry about water conservation (thank you water cycle!). I'm not brave enough to venture in to the 50º murk. It's off to the pool for some laps.

Like I said, triathlon season is almost here. Granted, there are races which feature pool swims. They have you swim down one lane and back in the next. I'm pretty sure I would excel at this sort of thing because I do almost all of my swim practices in the pool and because I have a better than average flip turn. I hear great things about the pool swim triathlons. For some reason that I cannot explain, they just don't appeal to me. I like the open water environment. It feels more like a more pure of a race. You kids have fun in the pool.

Ideally, you and I would have a chance to practice open water swimming before the first race. It's a little different than pool swimming.

1. There's no black line on the bottom for you to follow. Hell, in most instances, you can't even see the bottom anyway. 
2. There are no energy cancelling lane lines. Therefore, you have to put up with waves. 
3. You don't get to stop every 25 yards and turn around and come back. There is no turning back in triathlon, you are stuck here forever.
4. Because of #1-3, you actually have to look where you are going. This is a skill commonly referred to as either 'sighting' or 'holy crap I'm off course.'

What most inexperienced athletes do not realize is that you can simulate open water swimming very effectively in the pool. I have done so many times and it's quite effective. The toughest part is figuring out exactly how to go about OW simulation. Being the good blogger that I am, I'm going to tell you.

Check your pool schedule
Let's assume, just for a moment, that you do not own a swimming device in your home. This means you don't have your own 25-50 yard/ meter pool in your back yard nor do you own one of those newfangled water fans that create current while you go nowhere (they're basically treadmills for swimming). This means that you rely on someone else to grow a pool and take care of it. This also means that they allow other people in the pool, not just you.

More than likely, they have a pamphlet, flyer, or internet page that lists all of the activities. Contrary to popular belief (meaning mine), some people don't actually use the pool for swimming. They do other activities, such as 'swimming', floating, water walking, hanging on the wall, learning how to swim, and as a meeting place for large business transactions. The pool schedule will list the appropriate times when the above activities are encouraged.

Choose your swim time wisely
On rare occasions, the pool will actually close off the entire pool for lap swimming. If you visit the pool at this time, you will be lucky enough to see 3-5 people using the liquid filled hole as it was intended. Most of the time, you will also see people trying to use the pool for 'swimming', floating, water walking, hanging on the wall, learning how to swim, and as a meeting place for large business transactions.

If your goal is to simulate open water swimming, you want to avoid the times when there are only a few people who are all swimming. This is a nice time but does not yield the necessary rewards. You are scanning the pool schedule for these activities or the like: Water Aerobics, Water Fitness Classes, or Kids Birthday Parties. You've hit pay dirt when you can find more than one at the same time.

Choose your lane wisely
Many of the pools that I visit still keep a couple of lanes available for morons who actually want to swim. Whereas they know that the swimmers are the silent minority, most pool directors are former swimmers themselves and will respect the lappers. They typically leave a lane or 3 for people like you and I who who really want to go down and back and down and back and down and back for 30 minutes to an hour without stopping.

You are now going to go against the concentration gradient and choose the lane that is closest to the 20 old ladies, one dude, and their noodles. Not only that, but you are going to swim on the side of the lane that is right next to them.

Be mindful of the risk
Assuming you have chosen your time and place appropriately, you should be forewarned about the inherent danger of your decisions.

• The water will be choppier than you can imagine- When you get a large mass of people bouncing up and down, walking in circles, and flapping their arms, they will create a large disturbance in the force.
• Breathing may be compromised- If you point your head towards the turbulence, there's a high probability that a gush of water will cross into your lane timed perfectly with your open, inhaling mouth. You can either learn how to breathe on the other side or how to cope with not breathing for a cycle. Both are good.
• You will be slower than expected- Due to the extra resistance in the water, you will not be able to achieve the same evaporating-inducing speeds. That's okay. Speed is not currently the goal. You only want to survive the experience.
• There may be contact- Please keep in mind that these people may not be in full control of their limbs. Any of the forward kicks, side lunges, crouch and punches, etc could easily cross the boundary. They also have weapons, in the form of foam noodles and foam barbell type thingies, and they're not afraid to use them. Accept this since triathlon open water swimming is a contact sport.
• You might go blind- There will be several instances when you are swimming that the situation will catch you perfectly. The water athletes are not typically known for their fashion sense nor their low body fat percentages. On several occurrences, be prepared for this, as you will catch a look at an area of elderly that you just didn't want to see. It's sort of like looking into the sun while sighting. Don't linger or you'll see spots/ possibly burn your retina.

So there you have it. Pool swimming is a great way to get in shape. Due to the structure, it does not mimic open water swimming. However, if you are mindful of your surroundings and plan your swim sessions accordingly, you'll be able to experience some of the challenges present in the open water. And, as always, try and have fun.

The Perils of Swimming Again

With the end of Winter Training season, racing season is just around the corner. No, not the crappy running racing season that never actually seems to stop. Nor the duathlon racing season which happens to fill the void between winter and racing. Whereas I recognize that those are real sports with outstanding athletes, they're just not good sports. I'm not really sure why those amazing athletes waste their skills on rudimentary endeavors. Triathlons are just a couple of weeks away!

In the Winter, I avoid the Y mostly because I'm too lazy to drive to the pool. I put off swimming until the last minute and even then I do it half-assed. Now that the first real sporting events are on the horizon, I have to decide between risking in some chlorine exposure or sucking in the water. Since I naturally suck, I don't need to add to the embarrassment. Therefore, I've been spending a lot more time at the YMCA lately.

(Sorry, still stuck on the Star Wars thing.)

One of the dangers of swimming, and one of my personal pet peeves, is that whatever song was playing on the radio will remain stuck in my head for the entire swim set. Even worse is that it's not the entire song, mostly the chorus. I've found that I typically cannot remember the rest of the lyrics and remember how many laps are in a 200 at the same time. (I have difficultly counting a 200 without additional distractions.) I doubt that I'm the only one.

The song doesn't even have to be good.

When you go to the Y, especially for the purpose of swimming, you really cannot avoid the locker room. Most pools, my Y included, force me to go through the Men's Locker Room just to gain access to the pool deck. I suppose that I could go through the Ladies or the Family Locker Rooms.

 Quick poll: Which is less creepy? Grown man in Ladies LR or in Family LR without a child?

 Now, I get to the Y before work. This is pre-8:00 am. None of the people fit the conventional definition of young, per se. There are 2 distinct attitudes of how to behave in the locker room: those who show their junk with reckless abandon and those who cover their junk at most but the shortest, necessary periods of times. If you separate these groups of people, there's a distinct age disparity.

Yellow Marks on My Record

I admit that I'm not a big fan of the color yellow.  I just don't appreciate it. There's just not a lot of good coming from the color yellow. Examples of yellow's evil:

• It exposes people with bad oral hygiene, as seen on their teeth
• As the main color of the sun, it burns my skin with minimal exposure
• Should your skin become that color, called jaundice, it is a sign of illness
• It completely clashes with my complexion (see most of the above) rendering it useless in my wardrobe
• It can single-handedly destroy the Green Lantern

(Aside: The Wife once painted a room in canary. It was a sure fire way to keep me out of that room and yet more evidence of her genius. End Aside)

A Brief Understanding of Yellow
Situated dead smack in the middle of ROYGBV spectrum, yellow refused to take sides in the Color Wars. (Note: many people insert an 'I' for the color 'indigo', which is not a true color of the spectrum but rather an advertising gimmick for an 80's cult band who refuses to stop playing.)

The Color Wars were aggressive in the early days. Infrared and ultraviolet were assembling armies in their own Axis/ Allied-esque. Rumor has it that they weren't trying to hurt anyone, they just wanted to make themselves useful to mankind. We're still not sure why they wanted this. Historians are forever arguing about the motivations of this war since there were no women, money, land, or religion involved.

The Dark Side of the line amassed powerhouses like gamma rays, x-rays and UV light and were making their case. On their list of successes was the ability to kill germs, see right through skin, and provide super-human strength to mere mortals. That last claim was ultimately refuted as the test subject also demonstrated an increase in rage, decrease in intellectual capacity, and a change in skin tone. (Which, originally, the Colors were proud of as Green was a founding member of the team.)

The Light Side of the equation assembled the likes of radio waves, microwaves, and infrared who were defending their dissertation. They provided the ability to see at night, ways to cook food poorly but quickly, and send picture and sound streaming to various sized boxes. (This last one might have tipped the scales in their favor if it wasn't for the fact that it made people so lazy that they stopped caring about the outcome of the War.)

Yellow played the part of double agent. It's wavelength and frequency characteristics made it difficult for the other colors to eliminate it from the group. While the other Colors shot themselves at each other resulting in various forms of interference, yellow chose to rely on trickery and deceit to keep the war going. Eventually, yellow became known as the Loki of the Color Wars. Some colors, like mauve and chartreuse, died. (Humans tried to resurrect these colors later in life. But, like most extinct species, we fail to get them right and most people don't even understand those attempts at colors.)

Once the war was over, both sides tried to figure out what to do with the mischievous color. Everyone agreed that the color had some usefulness as a primary, but no one trusted it. Since they couldn't trust Yellow, they put it right in the middle of the spectrum where both groups could keep an eye on it. As a consequence, they decided that Yellow would henceforth be indicative of a warning. As danger.

Yellow as Danger
Since the war has ended, everyone has learned to be cautious around yellow. Take race car events: a yellow flag is called 'caution' and the race, for all intents and purposes, stops. Once the yellow is removed, the race continues. Green, on the other hand, means that all is well. (It was a proud moment for the team when that decision was made.)

Some up and coming sports, like soccer, use a yellow card punitively. Should a soccerer violate the rules, an official flashes a yellow card. The purpose is clear: Knock off your shenanigans. A second yellow card means removal from the game (commonly, the second yellow magically morphs into a red card, thus providing more fuel for the Dark side as victors.)

Even a real sport, like triathlon, uses the yellow card to impose penalties on athletes. Should some bloke come by on a motorcycle and wave a yellow card in your face, you can bet that you will have a time consequence or be required to serve a detention.

Stoplights use yellow as a warning that something even worse is about to happen. Green, a good color, allows for free travel. Red effectively halts forward traffic. Upon seeing yellow, most people are confused as to what action they should take. Some slam on their brakes. Others hit the accelerator. Yellow just watches and laughs at the idiocy.

Other Consequences of Yellow
It turns out that computer people are also aware of the Color Wars and the powerful meanings of the different hues. They don't have a firm grasp on who won the war so they arbitrarily assign colors for different meanings. Except for the blue screen of death (that all PC users will inevitably experience- score one for the light side), computers will always use yellow as a warning.

Here's an example:

Looking at the yellow blotches on my training log, it can only mean one thing: Danger. That, or I started swimming again. As a triathlete and a former swimmer, this should come as no surprise. As a pansy who hasn't been in the water for about half a year, I'm sore from the experience. Yellow strikes again.