Not Competing in the 'Ironman' This Year

The Local Ironman?
I recently did a search for Ironman, hunting for ideas, tips, tidbits, or kernels of knowledge that I do not already know. (Okay, I was procrastinating life.) Granted, I know next to nothing so this sort of search should have proven lucrative. Not only did I come across some great info, blogs, tips, etc. I found an Ironman race here in Rochester, NY.

I was shocked. I am a proponent of the Ironman and have no problem with the WTC. I thought the nearest IronEvent was in Lake Placid, which I have been traveling and competing for the past 5 years and will continue to do so until I qualify for Kona, run out of money, or the Wife threatens divorce (whichever comes first). Even then, I might still have to think about getting out of the IronBusiness. Truth is, I am enjoying the lifestyle. There is a 70.3/ Half-Ironman in Syracuse- about a 90-minute drive. I may do that race, still undecided as of yet. How is it that I have missed an Ironman in Rochester? Surely I would have seen it on the website, seen it on the news, or read it in the paper. What gives?

Side Tracked with a Point
When I travel, which is not all that often, I make it a point to sample the local cuisine. Go to Florida, must eat seafood. Go to Maine, buy some lobster. Go to Indiana, eat some corn (as if you had a choice). Oklahoma is screaming for you to eat meat (I mean literally-there's a sign as you enter the state that actually says "Eat Meat"). Wisconsin has its cheese. Buffalo has its wings. Chicago has its deep dish pizza. Local food rocks. I went to a nerd science teacher conference in New Orleans. I ate something called a Po' Boy, which was a hoagie, which was a grinder, which was a sub. I also ate gumbo, alligator, goulash, crawfish, frog legs, oysters, and something really creepy called a "burger." Ahh, that was a pretty good afternoon for eating.

So often, other cities try to mimic by stealing some other city's idea and making a half-assed version. Take the Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich. You'd better believe that if I were ever in Philadelphia, I'd reward the local economy by sampling an authentic PCS sandwich. I've eaten plenty of them in my life time and I'd sure like to know what the template tastes like. Either that, or get other cities to use their whole ass when making the sandwich.

Sadly, I live in a city whose claim to food is even too extreme for my undiscerning taste buds to sample. We have what's lovingly referred to as a "Garbage Plate." Confused? Disgusted? Wait. Let me share with you the Garbage concept. Imagine going to an All-American Family Restaurant and ordering one of those burger things. You tend to get beef, bread, lettuce, tomato, onions, ketchup, mustard and (for some reason) a pickle. As for sides, you can choose from french fries, coleslaw, baked beans and/ or macaroni salad. In most reputable establishments, these are separated on a dish so that you may sample each individually at your own beckoning.

MMMM!

Not the Garbage Plate. Take all of that aforementioned greasy goodness and pile it on top of each other. Form a make-shift casserole of greasy, gooey, fatty ooze. Allow the drip and splatter of each of the Atkins approved items mix and mingle into one larger, flowing blob of artery hardening nutrition. This is a Garbage Plate (or an old Hitchcock movie).

Now, I am not normally afraid of anything. (Well, except for spiders, snakes, bats, vampires, tiny pebbles, hot chicks, failure, making a fool of myself, rejection, stubbing my toe, public speaking, and writing a bad blog post.) My belly can normally handle just about anything. I have not been able to bring myself to eat this chemistry experiment of food.

Finally, the Point
Apparently, one of the local universities has stolen the triathlon spirit of the word, Ironman (who stole it from a comic book, but that's a different story), and used it to their philanthropic advantage. According to Wikipedia, the number one source for questionable knowledge...

A charitable Garbage Plate Run is sponsored by the University of Rochester's Sigma Phi Epsilon. Held annually in the spring, this three-man race begins at the U of R River Campus. The first of the team members run 2.2 miles through the city to Nick Tahou's. Once they arrive, the second teammate eats a garbage plate as quickly as they are able, then the final teammate runs back to campus to complete the race. In a race titled the "Ironman", one-man teams attempt to complete all three tasks alone.

The Fraternity Boys donate all proceeds from this event to the CURE Childhood Cancer Association.  I am not sure who pays for the projectile cleanup along the route. I am also unsure how to get a 'one-man team.' But, consider the source.

Notice how the wiki completely fails to tell you if anyone has actually completed the The Garbage Plate Ironman. Doesn't seem likely. I think they entitle you a success for even attempting the feat. Good luck to all of the IronGarbageMen. This event is too strong for me. I'm going to keep with the traditional Ironman (no, not the comic book guy) and allow the hills of Lake Placid to beat me up. Two point four miles of swimming, 112 miles of biking, 26.2 miles of running seems significantly easier than the Garbage Plate Run.

The Art of Negotiation

I'd like to think that not only am I a triathlete, I'm also a good citizen.  I have a job. I pay my taxes. I volunteer. If I ever saw an old lady trying to cross the street, I'd at least think on helping her. Alas, old ladies don't do a whole lot of street crossing in my area making that thought rather moot.

Since my immediate vicinity lacks any desperate need, I decided that I would help on a much larger scale. Take, for example, the weather. It's no secret that I have been having a personal feud with winter. The cold and me just don't seem to get along. The longer I brood, the longer winter seems to laugh at me. Recently, however, I've come to realize that this approach has not been fair to you, especially if you live in the northern/ eastern/ midwestern... especially if you live. You have been negatively affected by my attitude and I decided that I would fix it, or at least try to fix it.

"How," you ask, "does one lowly scrub control the weather?" If you look in the right places, you can get the right email addresses. From there, it's only a matter of phrasing your perspective in a positive win-win manner. You must go into full-negotiation mode, speak sternly, and offer up something in trade. I took these concepts and sent a message right to the source of the problem. I have a sworn confidentiality agreement banning me from sharing these addresses. The agreement does not ban me from sharing with you the content of my message. The email can be seen below, in its entirety...

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Polar Ice Caps,

I don't want to waste your time and beat around the bush. I'm going to come right out and say it, "I AM SORRY.' I am sorry for all of the greenhouse gases that humanity has thrust into the air. I am sorry for invading your shores and setting up research facilities on your face. I am sorry for the immense carbon footprint currently being spewed into the atmosphere. I am sorry for the all of the factories. I am sorry for all of the forest burnings of both modern day and industrial revolution day. I am sorry for the developing nations who are repeating the emissions mistakes of the past. I am sorry for the developed nations who allow politicking to hinder common sense. In a nutshell, I apologize on behalf of the entire human race for any past, present, and future inconveniences that we may have caused you.

Now that I, as an honorable member of our species, have formally issued condolences for our misgivings, I want to tell you what I have personally done and am willing to do in the future.

1. I am an avid recycler. I want my community to increase their recycling abilities. Until then, I try to put as much into my little blue bucket as possible. In fact, we actually have 2 little blue buckets. We stole the one from our last house in the move just so we could recycle more efficiently. A means to an end, right?
2. I carpool to work. In a hybrid. That's a two-fer in environmentally friendliness.
3. I have installed zoned heating and digital thermostats in all areas of my home. When not using an area of the house, the temperature is quite low to save energy. I've learned that the low temps keep the Wife out of those rooms, should I ever need to use that to my advantage.
4. I have, and will do more often, ridden my bicycle to work. Yes, I understand that by riding my bike to work, I ruin my carpool. I am working on getting my carpool mate to bike too. (Okay, she is working on me to bike more. What's important is that someone is working.)
5. I like to grow vegetables and will do so on a larger scale. Not larger vegetables. Just more of them (I want to make sure I'm clear).
6. I will hang my laundry to dry, especially my workout clothes. And, since I'm a teacher, workout clothes constitute roughly 75% of my summer garb. This is a big reduction in dryer sheets.
7. My home does not have an AC unit, preferring to use ceiling fans as our main means of coolant. Uncomfortable in the summer, sure. But, what do you care? It helps you out.
8. The lights in my house are consistently off. Since I'm not that attractive, this works to my benefit. Further, we are in the process of exchanging the traditional bulbs to those spiral thingies.
9. We did the energy assessment and completed all of the recommendations that the guy advised. He was a pretty good guy. Smart-like. Maybe I'll introduce you.
10. As our appliances go bad, we will replace them with Energy Star quality stuff. Honestly, we started doing it a long time ago, mostly because we liked the way the star looked. We learned later that there was an energy savings to accompany the designer astronomical figure. Lucky, I guess.

Understand Mr. and Mrs. Caps, that I am willing to do more. Please- I am begging you- please tell me what you would like. You say it and I'll do it. You are the boss and I am your servant. Command me and I will be your slave.

I only ask that, in return, you let go of your grasp on my region. You relinquish your desire to send unseasonable cold weather to our area, day after day, week after week, with no end in sight. Ease up on your anger. I get it. You are mad and you have every right to so be. Revenge is not the answer. I feel duly punished and thank you for my new-found humility.

Therefore, please allow the sun to heat the surface of the Earth so that I might go outside without a jacket. I want to turn off my heat. I want to open the windows and breathe the same polluted air that enrages you. I want spring and, after that, summer. I want my my whitish hue skin to be replaced with a nice shade of pink. I want my deodorant bill to increase with the decrease in my energy bill. But, I cannot do it alone. I need your help. Encourage the jet stream to take its normal place in the higher latitudes and all will be well. Warmer temperatures will arrive and I can actually break ground on that garden I want to plant. Hanging clothes will dry before they freeze. Biking to work won't come with frostbite.

Again, on behalf of all humanity, I am sorry. Please accept my apology and return life back to normal. I look forward to your response in the near future.

Humbly submitted,

The Banter

So there you have it. I apologized to Mr. and Mrs. Caps. I am uncertain which lives in the north and which in the south. I am assuming that they got the message. They are notoriously bad email responders, choosing to speak through actions rather than digital print. Since this weekend is expected to be much warmer, I can also assume that they accepted my apology. As for the rest of you, you are welcome.

Spring Forward- Race Review and Results

This past weekend, I had my first race of the year. The word 'race' is used loosely as I knew going into the event that I had absolutely no hope on winning. I was competing against myself, the clock, and last year's performance.

Here's how the day went down:
The race itself was well organized in conjunction by the awesome folks at Fleet Feet and Yellow Jacket racing. They have put on and will continue to put on high quality, low budget types of races. I like the event distance as there are not many 15k's in the area. They have a nice route and gather the nicest volunteers. Since the race was on a Sunday, the volunteers were as much as cheerleaders as there was not much work to do. I can't imagine getting out of bed at 7:00 am to hand out water to sweaty, smelly, gross guys in the cold. Yet, there where tables and lines of friendly faces yelling and screaming. I love the volunteers at such places. I fed off their energy and appreciate all the work that goes into such an event.

The race start was 8:30 am. I set the alarm for 5:15 with the intention of getting out of bed, getting in a morning beverage and eating in time to not want to yack during the run. This was pretty much what happened. I'm a bit methodical when it comes to race preparation, having made my mistakes years ago. Now, I pack the bag the night before and have everything laid out ahead of time. Experience has taught me that I'm not a good thinker in the wee hours. It has also taught me that the piece of mind that accompanies neurotic bag packing is far better than the middle of the night, 'Oh crap, I forgot to ______.' I slept easy.

Race time temperature was a blustery 37º with the wind out of the WNW. There was this weird anomaly in the sky, off in the east, creating a blinding yellow light. I have patches of memory of that thing but I was struggling to recall it clearly. I had planned for cooler and made sure to wear shorts under my jogging pants. I, at the last minute, chose to drop the pants and stick with the shorts. My legs yelled at me. Not because of the temperature, just because they had not seen the outside world in months. They were uncertain how to behave in an exposed environment and snarled like vampires being exposed to the sun's (?) harmful rays.

Review of the Plan
Having set specific goals for the race, I established a race plan with the hopes of beating a 7:30 pace (under 1:10). If you want to read the entire plan, along background and extraneous information, you can do so here. If not, I applaud your laziness and took the liberty of copying the plan. Comments for each layer of the plan can be found below.

• Thoroughly warm up. I hate warming up for distance events. I would rather use the first mile or two as a warm up. But, since this is a non-priority race, I'll probably use it as a long run day. Warm up will probably happen before 7:00 and consist of about 2-3 miles on the treadmill (of which I also hate). It should get the juices flowing and adequately clean out the system.

Status of the Plan: Failed
The Wife did not get out of bed. Since it was the weekend, it was early, and the treadmill reverberates through the bedroom, I granted her the gift of sleeping in. And since it was cold outside at 7 am and I am a pansy I think that warming up in a cold environment defeats the purpose, I hung out on the Lazy-Boy until it was time to go. I arrived on site at roughly 8:05, had to pick up my chip then off to the potty. Then, I went back to the car to hydrate, caffeinate, and sit. I emerged from the car at 8:25 and made it to the starting line with about 2 minutes to go. This meant that I had much more running to do post race to achieve long run status. It also means that my motivation to warm up (displaced as it is) has gone way down for distance events.

• Control the first 4 miles. Given that the race starts out mostly downhill, I need to keep my HR down. I don't want to see much of Z2 until after mile 2. I don't want to see Z3 until after mile 4. Build into the process.

Status of the Plan: Failed
The hill profile meant that there was an early hill which spiked my HR. My legs don't appreciate the morning and neither does the heart. Either that or the Garmin was playing the first of its evil tricks for the day. If it was physiological or Garminological, I was being mocked. The hazing was to ensure to give me n+5 kinds of numbers for comparative perceived effort. I was well into z2 by mile 2. Zone 3 found its way into my life by mile 3 with spikes into z4 on the uphills. I may have seen z5 on multiple occasions. Not at all what I planned.

• Keep the ego in check. Yes, I want to beat that 5'4" girl running in pigtails and pink clothes. Yes, if that 11 year old boy beats me it will be a blow to my manhood. This is not about them. Let it go. Try and pass them at mile 9, not mile 2. Passing them at mile 9 still means I win. Remember that.

Status of the Plan: Fragments of Success
I was beaten by not 1, but at least 2 girls in pink. Sadly, they were not in pigtails but were sporting nice ponies. Since I was a gentleman this morning with the Wife and her sleeping in, I decided that I would continue this behavior and "allow" these women to beat me. I am sure I could have beaten them. I 'chose' not to. They were definitely not better runners than me. I swear. And, I did not see any teenagers on the course, so I assume that I beat them. I refuse to analyze the results searching for kids' times. (Sorry, I let the ego take over the keyboard for a while. I held it in check during the race and it demanded to have some computer time.) I will admit that a pair of older runners (not sure how old, but they had ample amounts of gray in their hair), one male and one female passed me at the 9.2 mile mark. The ego flared up. I may have sworn at them. I was required to out-sprint them to the line which I did so dutifully.

• Accept that I haven't done much speed work lately and 7:30 is lofty. The biggest success will come from building on last year's information and using that to my advantage. I will not accept walking. I will accept beating last year's time.

Status of the Plan: Acheived
In this section of the message, I had envisioned a detailed play-by-play/ mile-by-mile recap of HR, pace, hills, etc. Fun to write and even better to read. I have an auto-beep every .25 mile and an auto-lap every 1 mile. The auto-beep reminds me to look at the watch and check for HR and pace. At 7:30 per mile, I need to subtract about 8 seconds off every beep to achieve my pace goal. This happened way more often than not. I was a bit concerned about the first mile. I wanted to start off slowly. Last year, mile one was 7:12, which I deemed overboard. I was thinking that 7:40 would be appropriate and build into my race. What happened at mile one this time? 7:08. I thought I was going to implode. Still, I only remember 2 split times being higher than 7:30 (one was 7:32, the other was much slower). When the race ended, I checked my time. Under 1:10 for the race (1:09.18 on the watch). Goal time achieved! I grabbed some water and some sports drink. I reset my watch and went for an easy 5-miles to finish off my long day of running. Then I got home, excited about the effort. I connected the ANT+ device and downloaded my data. Race data- Gone. Easy 5 mile run data- available. I tried to re-download, re-upload, and was very near tossing the device out the window. Quite grumpy. No race data. No HR. No laps. No new hill profile. Nothing. My Garmin failed me.

• Caffeinate. Modestly. I do like the jittery feel and how it hides most non-bowel related pains during the peak. Since I plan on using caffeine later in the season, I should start experimenting now on how it will serve me. It's better to get the system on line now than on the big day.

Status of Plan: Inconclusive
I have 2 versions of caffeine at my disposal. Version one is hidden inside of my morning ambrosia (homemade mocha latte). The espresso and chocolate are both caffeine donors. Since I sipped this elixir around 6:00, the jittery punch had long since receded by race time. I needed a booster shot. I have a caffeine supplement. They are little, horrible-tasting yellow pills each providing about 125 mg of good-vibrations. I take them with me when I travel to races and when I camp for training. Because I am lazy and do not wish to carry a separate container for my multivitamins, I have mixed in some MV with my yellow pills of power. Two pills+one container= efficient. Looking back, I have a sneaking suspicion that I was still sleeping around 8:10 when I popped my stimulants and may have taken 2 light-pink vitamins instead. With the sun's glare, everything looked the same to me. I have no recollection of any of the usual side-effects of being heavily caffeinated. This may provide evidence that I don't need them. But, again, I have no idea if it had actually happened.

In Conclusion
I achieved all of my goals for the day. Sub 7:30 pace- achieved. Sub 1:10 race time- achieved. No near-death experiences- achieved. Despite the condition of the race plan, the morning was an overall success. I did not hit the wall at any time and I felt adequately prepared. I might just be a sucky planner. It was a good day and I will probably include this event on my next year's schedule.

This race just goes to prove that I am not much of a runner in terms of adult, amateur, recreational athletics. The guy who won the race (I did check his age just to ensure he was not the prophesised teenager) beat me by more than 20 minutes. WOW. I can even imagine going 20 minutes faster even if the entire race was downhill. I did not place in my age group. I 'allowed' several woman to outrun me. Out of 550+ people, I just barely broke the top 100. Still not bad. Also, not great. I, comparatively speaking, am a much better triathlete than raw runner. I have great respect for the guys and gals out there who can excel at these races. Come on summer, or spring for that matter. I want the water to warm up and start the swim-bike equalizer which transforms my race results from average to awesome.

Spring Forward- Race Preview

The Race
On Sunday, the first official race of the Banter 2011 Race Schedule kicks off. The Spring Forward race is held in beautiful Mendon Ponds Park, one of the major highlights of life in the Rochester area. The race is a 15k road race that completely misses the park itself, preferring to take advantage of the nicely paved roadways and the decreased traffic flow accompanying a Sunday morning.

With the (unreliable)  forecast featuring overnight lows near the freezing line and rain a possibility, I am pleased that I have paid money for this event. Otherwise, I'd be prone to sleeping in and sulking about the crappiness of my existence in pseudo-tundraland. The forking over of cash is enabling and empowering, meaning. I will be at the starting line, rain or shine (or snow), warm or cold, when the starter blows his whistle.

The course is advertised as hilly and I'm not one to argue with the claim. I did this race last year. Here is the hill profile posted on their website...

Now, here's the one taken from my Garmin...

Not bad. Notice how the course is rolling throughout the entire run and how the biggest climbs tend to happen near the end. This is borderline cruel.

The History
A year ago, I was completely unprepared for this race. Some of the ladies I coached were gunning towards their first 1/2 Marathon. One of them convinced me that this run was a good idea. "Sure," I said. "No problem. I'll get up and run with you." The ego was flaring up again.

I had every intention of starting out the race easy. I was thinking that 8:00 per mile pace was doable. What I didn't count on was the race-day mentality. See, in addendum to the male-ego gene is a small portion on the end which controls competition. The competition addendum states that people are supposed to be behind you, not in front. Make sure it happens.

Now, couple the competition addendum with the hill profile and you get a fast start. Having had this race basically thrust upon me, I had not trained for a fast start. It didn't matter. The ego gene had taken over and logic was left in the car with my extra sweatshirt. Both would be important later in the day, just useless now. Right around the one mile mark, I beeped in at a comfortable 7:12 minute mile with the heart rate steady in lower zone 2. It wouldn't last.

I'll save you the details of the rest of the race and allow you to glean them for yourself.

Banter Pace Profile

Banter HR Profile

I will give you some highlights. As you can see, the pace profile has an overall negative slope and gradually drops below the 8:00/ mile line as the race goes on. The HR profile has a positive slope, start to finish, and hovers around the 180 bpm mark, which is borderline zone 4 for me. Since this race is early season, I've done near to no training in z4 and the heart was not happy. At the 1 hour mark, there is a distinct drop in both profiles. This had absolutely nothing to do with me walking. Honest. It was my second wind, however brief, kicking in.

In the end, I finished with an average pace of 8:04 and an overall time of 1:15. This year, I'm hoping to do better.

Plan of Attack
As stated before, I'd like to have a 7:30 minute per mile average pace. In order to achieve this, I must have a game plan for race day. My plan goes something like this...

1. Thoroughly warm up. I hate warming up for distance events. I would rather use the first mile or two as a warm up. But, since this is a non-priority race, I'll probably use it as a long run day. Warm up will probably happen before 7:00 and consist of about 2-3 miles on the treadmill (of which I also hate). It should get the juices flowing and adequately clean out the system.
2. Control the first 4 miles. Given that the race starts out mostly downhill, I need to keep my HR down. I don't want to see much of Z2 until after mile 2. I don't want to see Z3 until after mile 4. Build into the process.
3. Keep the ego in check. Yes, I want to beat that 5'4" girl running in pigtails and pink clothes. Yes, if that 11 year old boy beats me it will be a blow to my manhood. This is not about them. Let it go. Try and pass them at mile 9, not mile 2. Passing them at mile 9 still means I win. Remember that.
4. Accept that I haven't done much speed work lately and 7:30 is lofty. The biggest success will come from building on last year's information and using that to my advantage. I will not accept walking. I will accept beating last year's time.
5. Caffeinate. Modestly. I do like the jittery feel and how it hides most non-bowel related pains during the peak. Since I plan on using caffeine later in the season, I should start experimenting now on how it will serve me. It's better to get the system on line now than on the big day.

So there you have it. The first event is soon underway. Spring has arrived in terms of racing if not in terms of temperature. Time to get the body used to performing in groups, in the morning, and (hopefully) in comfort. I'll check back in after the race and let you know how it goes.