Who Infected Me?

It takes something big to keep me from exercising. Two or three days means something huge must have hit me. And, just like H.G. Wells hypothesized, most of the time the biggest obstacles are Mother Nature's smallest members. Worse, they don't even have to be alive. Let's try and figure out which bastard took me out for an entire week.

My Symptoms
A week ago Saturday, I had a great training day. On Sunday morning, I woke up to lethargy and the beginnings of a sore throat. I forced myself to go for a run. Oddly, it went well (I'm not much of a runner). I did some speed work and my legs felt great. By the time I returned from my cool down, my head was swimming. I had planned for a bike ride on the trainer. It never happened.

By Monday, the flood gates known as my schnoz had opened up full force. I was in disbelief that a human could manufacture so much mucus. For those of you who own stock in Proctor & Gamble, the company that makes Puff's brand facial tissue- you're welcome. I couldn't sleep through all of the snot and managed roughly 15 minutes of shut eye.

Tuesday morning I felt better. Therefore, I went to work. By 10:00, I was sliding downhill. By 2:00, my head was swimming in the goo (figuratively and literally). The body was getting achy. The headache had started. I took my temp after I got home: 101.0º. Advil and a decongestant and still no sleep.

I decided not to go to work on Wednesday. I hooked the Netflix up to the TV and watched such flicks as "Trailer Park Boys" (which, at the time I thought absolutely hysterical. Mind you, I had not slept for about 60 hours now).

Thursday I dragged myself to work knowing that I had a light schedule and could avoid the masses. In hindsight, this was a mistake. I stayed awake again that night regretting the decision.

On Friday, the headache had intensified. Mostly, I think, because I was still laughing at some of the movies I watched on Wednesday. I.E. I was becoming delusional.

By Saturday, I was coming out of my dementia. I had still not really slept, receiving roughly 4 broken hours the night before. How did I know I was getting better? I started to watch "Hot Tub Time Machine" and turned it off. Still, I did not move more than 15 feet from my sofa the entire day.

On Sunday, it was in the 50ºs outside and I forced myself to go for a bike ride. Had I known that time on the open road was my key to a cure, I would have done it sooner.

Bachelor #1- Small Pox

This is the small pox virus. Once this nasty little bugger gets inside of you, it marinades in the body for about 12 days. After the grace period, it decides to work its way out. Pustules filled with human tissue give the pox it's name.

Along with the pustules, one can expect a fever, muscle pain, headache, and respiratory problems. This bad boy may have been responsible for every know plague in the history of mankind, wiped out the Mayans, and given rise to what is commonly referred to as CrossFit.

Other common poxes include cowpox and monkeypox. (I only state that as I really like saying monkeypox. Otherwise, that factoid contributes absolutely nothing to this post.)

It is also noted that infected individuals are not interested in triathlon related activities.

Bachelor #2- Influenza

This sticky little devil is oft known by its abbreviated moniker of "The Flu". Most people associate the flu with stomach pains and vomiting. This is mostly untrue as that is the main result of reading this blog. The flu is the big, mean, older brother of the cold.

Shortly after this guy gets into the system, one can expect fever, headache, restlessness, sore throat, congestion, and an overwhelming desire to watch bad movies.

Apparently, there are several incarnations of this virus, including swine, bird, horse, and dog. As of this posting, monkeys are safe.

Bachelor #3- Ebola

As you can see, ebola gives the impression of being athletic. It's whip-like structure is lean and fast. In the beginning of it's tenure, one can expect to feel like you have the flu (see above). As life digresses, the digestive system gets into the mix by refusing to accept any new nutrition and violently expelling existing debris. (It's almost the exact same phenomena one can expect when experimenting with new nutrition ideas on race day.)

As time progresses, the nervous system joins the game by giving you agitation, confusion, fatigue, and possibly coma. Again, this is not much different that the average Ironman competition or training weekend.

This virus was pretty much the main character in "The Hot Zone", which also featured monkeys.

And the Winner is...

I was going with smallpox for a while. As it turned out, my pustules were actually a couple of zits that had formed on my nose (due to all of that rubbing and blowing) and forehead (cause uncertain at this time so not completely ruling out this virus). Further, the last know natural smallpox incident happened in 1977.

I had considered ebola for a while. However, I never got any digestive problems. In fact, quite the opposite. My hunger never subsided. I laid/ moped around for 6 days on no exercise and a full appetite. You'd think that watching the movies alone was enough to make me vomit. Nope. The gastric juices flowed and stayed firmly in their designated areas while I engluttoned myself shamelessly.

Influenza was the only one that fit the bill. I had pretty much everything on the list. Plus, it's the only virus to stay simian free. I can't imagine harboring a pathogen that would knowingly infect and harm any of those poor, cute, defenseless monkeys.

WW- The Real Cyclocross

If you have read my last 2 posts (Part 1 and Part 2), it seems a bit apropos to give you some education. See, the Banter-In-Law and I, while riding on cyclocross bikes, came nowhere near experiencing cyclocrossing. We were riding non-suspension ten speeds on a single track mountain bike trail. I, at least, did so rather poorly.

I was indeed curious about the sport. Therefore, I did some research. Like most modern day researchers, I did not venture further than my keyboard. As it turns out, Cyclocross is a subset of USA Cycling, the governing body off all sports involving a bicycle (except for triathlon, duathlon, aquabike, cyclorow, or anything else actually fun). To add legitimacy, they have even published their own magazine.

Apparently, cyclocross races are very competitive. Many races are short (less than 60 minutes), intense, multiple laps, and include obstacles. Obstacles such as mud, which in my experience is next to impossible to bike through.

Okay, I get that if you are out on a mountain bike trail that you might encounter some mud. Fine. But stairs?

Or hurdles?

Further, I learned that my system of pedaling for a short while and falling off the bike is more the norm than the oddity.

Especially when they put a big pile of snow right in the middle of the course.

With this post, I hope to have captured the true essence of cyclocrossing. If not, here's a graphic to clarify...

I couldn't leave this post without giving you some video of real people participating in real cyclocross competitions who have high quality, top notch skills. This is a compilation of some of the best in 2009 Cyclocross Championship held in Colorado. It sort of makes me feel better about my personal cyclocross skills.

Cross Training- Part 2

Okay, now that I've gotten my shiny, new CycloCross rental, as per my last post, it was time to put this thing to the test. The BIL, otherwise known as the leader of this expedition, wanted us to go to Draper Mountain Bike trail.

A short note on mountain bike trails:
Many public mountain bike trails are of the 'single-track' style. This basically means that the trail is only wide enough for one bike at a time. If the BIL and I had plans to ride side-by-side while holding hands, the chosen path made it absolutely impossible (probably the reason why he was the leader and not me).

A second short note on mountain bike trails:
The presence of a mountain is optional. This is good since mountains are in scarce supply in Oklahoma.

A third even shorter note on mountain bike trails:
The presence of a mountain bike is also optional. This was evidenced by our cyclocross bikes.

Here's the description of the trails that we were riding:

Having checked out the website ahead of time, I couldn't help but giggle. They expect 13 miles to take 92 minutes while averaging 7.1 mph. Um, my PR for running 13.1 miles is (a very weak) 98 minutes. How in the world was this even possible? Biking should be significantly faster than running.

Problems from the First Minute of Riding

We unloaded the cyclocross bikes and get ready for our adventure. I had considered leaving my helmet behind because I was willing to believe no harm could come to me at our projected pace. However, biking without a helmet seems as awkward as driving without a seat belt and I planted my noggin protector firmly in place. We were ready to ride.

After my second pedal stroke, things got interesting. If you read my shpeal from the last post, my shoe cleats were supposed to clip in to my pedals. I went through the motions of placing the front end of the cleat into the groove. Then I pushed down. Normally, this would result in a satisfying 'click' as the clipping mechanism engaged and I would be firmly attached to my pedals. It didn't happen. I tried the other foot. No clicking sound. I tried standing up and jamming down on the pedals, hoping to force a click on maybe an old or unlubricated set of pedals. Nothing.

Then, something rather amazing happened: I hit a tree and promptly fell to the ground. See, unlike most paved areas of riding, mountain bike trails are purposely curvy. I was spending so much time trying to get my shoes to attach to my pedals that I had taken my eyes off the trail. Bam. Down goes the Banter.

If at first you don't succeed...well, in this case I was destined to fail again and again. I started to ride with the BIL firmly in the lead. Meanwhile, I had doubled my lifetime falling-off-the-bike totals in less than 2 minutes of riding. Here's a shot of the BIL waiting impatiently while I struggled to upright myself. After stepping to the side and really trying to analyze the cleat/ pedal conundrum, I was ready to accept my destiny that my shoes would not be attached to the pedals for the duration of the ride. This left us with 2 options: Suck it up and ride or Call it a day and return the faulty merchandise. Since there is a vast amount of evidence showing that I suck, we went with option #1.

Let's Ride
I was sincere when I said that the trail is anything but straight. Here's what the posted map looks like. The differing colors, in case you couldn't figure it out, meant different trails. We, being complete rookies at this whole off-roading adventure thing, opted to start with the Green "beginner" trail. This was perfect.

After I came to an understanding with my pedals and developed a technique that almost allowed me to ride some, I noticed some remarkable differences between cyclocrossing and real riding. You actually have to use the brakes. On my bike, braking is done maybe 3-4 times per ride, depending on the number of stoplights encountered. On the trails, braking is done 3-4 times per 15 seconds of pedaling. The turns, loops, and obstacles ensure that there is absolutely no way make the cut without hitting a tree. For the record, I hit at least 9 trees on the ride. (Aside: It was learned later that the brand of cleat that I use was the 'older style' and they put a 'newer style' pedal on the bike. That was their explanation of why I couldn't clip in. I have now learned that I need to actually check that sort of thing before leaving the shop. End Aside.)

Upon concluding with the green trail, we had to make decisions. The legend of the map above informs us of the trail difficulty. We hit all of the colors, almost in order. I believe that we missed the Orange trail (mostly because orange is for pansies and, while we definitely fit that description, we were running out of daylight to conquer the color).


Here's what the Garmin had to show for the ride. If you look at the middle of the map, you'll see a relatively straight line. That marks a link between 2 non-consecutive falls. I had stopped the Garmin after the first fall and remembered to re-start it some time after the third, which I think caused the fourth.

The Intracasies of the Wilderness
I'll hand it to the caretakers of the trail, they do a real good job of trail maintenance. The trail maps are posted multiple places. They have cute little signs that give names to certain parts of the trail. Some of the signs were silly names like "Grandma's Kitchen". This section looked exactly the same as the other sections, but I may have spied an old stove off in the bushes. Others were more descriptive like "Over and Under Bridge". This section actually had a wooden bridge that you went over, looped around on the trail, and went back under. What didn't make sense was our surprise at the presence of said bridge and the requirement to go over and then under, especially after reading the name of the section.

Then, for some reason, they had this sign (pictured right). If I recall correctly (which I don't), we were no where near any roads. I don't remember seeing any cars on the trails. Therefore, I have no idea why they placed this sign out in the middle of the forest. Plus, I'm not even sure of it's function. In other places, they actually give you advice, such as "Don't pick up hitchhikers". Here, they just warn you as to their identity as if that information means something. Further, I'm pretty sure that I couldn't pick up a hitchhiker, inmate or not, on my cyclocross bike. I was having a hard enough time pedaling and staying upright on my own without needing the extra challenge of a second person.

Getting close to the end of the day, we had conquered all but the most challenging of the trails. We could either re-do another color or choose between the Red/ Orange trails. We picked the most challenging Red trail because it was right next to where we were standing at the time and, well, see note above on Orange.

At one point, the BIL was in the lead. Our experience on the day had taught us that it was safer for him to be in front since I was apt to fall. One time, I fell off my bike while leading which led to the BIL crashing his bike to avoid from crashing into me. It was a hard lesson for us both. He led more often than not after that. The Red trail was indeed more challenging than what we had thus far experienced. It was prone to biking us down small ravines with blind turns, quick sand, jutting spikes, and poisoned arrows. The pic on the left is an example of one of the Red trail's challenges.

The BIL, being smarter than me, decided to stop and monitor the situation. Had I been in the lead, I would have tackled it without abandon. Of course, I fell off my bike in an effort to not slam into the back of the now-stopped BIL. Since I was already down, I allowed myself to scope out the obstactle. The BIL was able to make it down and catch some video of me making it through.

Ta Da!

Totals
When I crunch the numbers, it came out that we had accomplished the following:

• Distance=11.6 miles (actually, we rode a little more due to early crashing and me turning off the device)
• Time= 1:24.30
• Average Speed= 8.2 mph (take that posted average!)
• Amount of Climbing= 356 feet (not sure where the trail guide came up with 1300?)
• Number of times falling= 12
• Number of shoes ruined= 2 (one from hitting a tree, the other one from slipping off a pedal and jamming it into a tooth of the front ring)

List of visible injuries on my body

• Left wrist (pictured)- gashed from a tree
• Outside of right forearm- trail rash
• Inside of right forearm- different trail rash
• Right quad- bruise from bike landing on me
• Right upper foot- puncture wound (see note on ruined shoes) (unhealed as of this post)
• Right Ankle- bruise (cause unknown)

Don't let any of that damage/ injury talk mislead you. I absolutely had a great time. I've gone on literally thousands of bike rides, most of which I have forgotten. It was a great day. The weather was perfect. The company, IE the BIL, was amazing.

The road rash has healed. The bruises have faded. The puncture wound will close (hopefully). I'm not sure if I'll ever do this whole cyclocross thing again (certainly not on my own). Having said that... This was one of those experiences that I will remember and cherish forever.

Cross Training- Part 1

Cross training is supposed to be good for you. The theory is that when you mix things up, the new exercise sort of shocks the system in a positive way. You work different muscle groups in different ways. The old muscle groups, which are probably tired, get an opportunity to relax and recover. With cross training, it's hailed as win-win.

I have not really done much cross training. See, I'm a douche triathlete. I've got enough of working in different sports as I'm gonna need. I get to relax from running by biking. I get to recover from a ride by going for a swim (not yet happened in 2013). I get to give my shoulders a break from the tension  by going for a run. It's a never ending circle of awesome that I don't need to do much else.

The BIL disagrees. My evidence: This email message, which arrived shortly before my trek to the middle of the toilet bowl Oklahoma.

I'll be renting you the same cyclocross bike that I have in the garage so that we can do something interesting while you are here.

This bike is called a "CycloCross" bike in OKC. I had heard about the existence of such bikes and event read about competitions involving these machines, but I had never witnessed one first hand. I was willing and ready to give it a try.

At the Bike Shop
The BIL has found a pretty good bike shop. Unlike several bike shops that I have experienced, this one was large, cozy, and staffed by blokes that actually ride. Exactly like pretty much all bikes shops I've been in, the shop is geared towards roadies with small cubbies dedicated to niche sports that just happen to involve a bike AKA triathlons.

While the BIL took care of some business, I checked out the sale racks in search of tri-gear. As expected, not much. I found the inventory of tri-bikes and saw that the shop was quite privy to Cervelo. Sigh, I guess Oklahoma people are just destined to be slow.

I brought in my bike shoes so that the blokes can match pedals. Just in case you didn't know, bike pedals have this technology inappropriately called 'clipless' pedals. You take a cycling shoe and attach a cleat to the bottom. You also have a special pedal that matches the cleat. When you ride, you 'clip-in' to your clipless pedals. (Makes sense, right?)

I own 2 different sets of bike shoes. Roadie bike shoes, which have a ratchet strap system designed to hold you foot in place. The ratchet adjusts tension to allow a snug feeling. Any slack in the shoe leads to an energy loss as you spin. Therefore, you want the shoe as tight as you can while retaining comfort. These shoes are slower to put on and take off. Hence the reason for my second pair of bike shoes, triathlon bike shoes. Tri-shoes are pretty much exactly the same in under carriage features and construction. The major exception is that the top of the shoe is laden in velcro. Velcro is very quick to adhere and you don't need to waste 4 seconds lifting your finger up-and-down to get that snug feel as with the roadie shoe. Plus, adjusting tension mid-ride is much easier.

As it turns out, I left my roadie shoes back in NY with my bike trainer. I was coming to Oklahoma to train for triathlon with triathletes. What I didn't count on was the bike shop being emburdened with roadies. That is a complete miscalculation on my part and I take full responsibility for my shortsightedness in bringing my velcro-strapped old triathlon shoes into the den of the road cyclists. When I showed them my shoes to match the pedals, the man did a quick up-and-down with his eyes and wrinkled his nose in disgust. The rift between the roadie and triathlete grows.

(Aside: In hindsight, I'm pretty sure now that the look was from the smell. Another major difference between roadies and triathletes is the wearing of socks. Roadies do. Triathletes don't. My shoes have been permeated with so much sweat, and umm, other stuff, that I'm sure they are in a state of perma-reek. Since I don't make a habit of sniffing my shoes, I just assumed that the bike shop guy was being a snob. It turns out that I probably deserved that look of disgust due to questionable foot hygiene. End Aside.)

The BIL and I left the shop for a quick lunch while the bike shop guys went to work on preparing my rental. When we came back, I got a chance to inspect the bike.

The Cyclocross Bike

Upon first appearance, the CC bike is very similar in appearance to a traditional road bike (which some people call the common 10-speed). They have the same:

• bull-horn style handlebars
• exposed cables
• gear shifting system
• frame geometry
• lack of suspension
• sperm-reducing seat

There are some glaring differences between this bike and what respectable people ride. For example, the CC bike has:

• fat, studded tires
• wheels with 8x the normal number of spokes
• a funky braking system
• low gear ratios
• no aero-bars
• 30 pounds of dark matter (At least, I think it was dark matter. The frame was, I believe, aluminum. However, it was remarkably heavy. If astrophysicists want conclusive evidence of the substance rumored to make up 80% of the universe, I suggest they rent one of these bad boys.)

The bike was possibly a smidgeon too large in the frame. The next size lower would have been obviously too small so we opted to modify the larger frame for comfort. I hopped on the bike in the shop with the intention of getting the seat adjusted. One dude held the front of the bike while another grabbed my hips from behind measured my knee angle at various stages of the pedal cycle. The fit seemed comfortable enough for an afternoon of cyclocrossing (whatever that meant).

I was ready to leave the bike shop but was left with a small warning:
Everything should be fine as long as you don't fall off.

The base bar was a little higher than common for a homunculus of my stature. Slipping forward could spell an end to the Banter's line of genetics.

In all of my years of riding, I have fallen off the bike exactly twice. The first time was on my very first ride with clipless pedals. My first set were adjusted so tightly that I couldn't remove them from the pedal at all. I had to bring the bike, with shoes still attached to the pedals, back to the bike shop for an adjustment. They ended up giving me new pedals. The second time was years later when I had to stop suddenly on a hill and didn't clip-out in time. Both falls were done at a speed of roughly 1-2 mph and no damage (other than that to my ego) was apparent. I was confident in my skills as a cyclist to be able to ride this bike and still bear children (should the need ever arise).

It is at this point that I would like to tell you that I did not waste all of that writing about bike falling and clipless pedals for nothing. There's some foreshadowing in the above and much more to the story. Come back in the very near future for part 2 of this exciting tale.