On Becoming a New SuperHero

The YMCA where I swim is really good for my ego. Whereas I do wish that there were some super fast blokes that would challenge me in a set, I don't seem to mind being the fast guy in the pool. There are several advantages in being the fast guy.

For 1, no one wants to swim with me. I'll politely join a lane and start doing my set. Soon thereafter, I've got the whole thing to myself.

For 2, all right, there isn't a second advantage. Having a lane or a pool all to yourself isn't all it's cracked up to be. Humans are social creatures. Even though, for the most part, I suck at socializing, I'd still like to have the opportunity.

I think I've figured out why I get all of this open water space. It's not really that I'm the fast guy. That's a horrible label. I've morphed into a Superhero. I haven't gone on to create an alter ego yet (you know, except for 'The Banter'). Let me describe to you my powers in terms of other, pre-existing Superheros. 

Aquaman

As a creation of DC Comics, Aquaman is from the Lost City of Atlantis. He sports orange and green colors that seem to clash with any known sea creature in existence. He does have some interesting powers.

Like all superheros (myself included), he's really strong. But, this isn't the reason I identify with the underwater blond. It's his swimming ability that I mimic. He's, and to be technical here, pretty dang fast. We're just not sure how fast. Not many people have actually put a radar gun on his swimming to calculate his top water speed. Rumor has it that radar guns don't work well under water and scientists are having trouble adopting sonar to ping smaller, semi-organic objects. Plus, there's this on-going debate on whether we should use mph or knots. The whole argument is a mess. All agree on one fact, he's faster in the water that the average bloke.

Oh, and, for some reason, he can talk to fish.

Wolverine

Wolverine, on the other hand, is a Marvel Comic guy. Just like me, he's got an awesome hair cut. We differ in our opinion of our side burns.

We diverge on our ability to heal. He undergoes mitosis at an enormously fast rate, putting most bacteria to shame. This allows even major injuries to close themselves almost immediately. I, on the other hand, will take a couple of weeks off of training due to a blister. Hey, every superhero needs to have a weakness.

The most obvious connection between me and the Wolverine is the long nails. His claws are retractable, nearly invincible, and perched nicely on his hands. They make an amazingly efficient weapon.

I am neither Aquaman nor Wolverine, but an amalgamation of both. On the Aquaman side of my genetic mutation, I've got the super-human swimming ability as compared to my YMCA bretheren. (Aside: I'm pretty sure I have the power to talk to fish. I'm not sure that I want this power so I keep it repressed. I can't imagine that fish would be stimulating conversationalists nor can I quite figure out what I could say to them that they would find interesting. End Aside)

On the Wolverine, or masculine, contribution to my DNA, I've got the long nails. Except, mine are less useful. Sadly, they are my toenails. I first noticed this weapon the other day in the pool. I was happily swimming in my empty lane doing a set of 200s on 15 seconds rest. Back in the days when I was on the swim team, we'd have large volumes of yardage in kick sets. I don't think I've done one since. As a triathlete, I prefer to focus on my form and arms while reserving my legs for the rest of the afternoon. My legs are really just lumps of meat dragging behind me. I will occasionally use them in a race to shoot bubbles at some water monkey who feels the need to draft so close that he repeatedly touches my feet. Other than that, I try not to use them much.

As you swim, your body sways side to side as a natural consequence of your stroke. If the bottom of the pool is 0º and the side wall is 90º, I probably swing about 45-55º in my natural stroke. Some people suggest going the full 90º but I've found this horribly uncomfortable and inefficient.

As you swing from left to right, your legs are used as stabilizers to keep your knees, hips, and torso in line with your head. During one of these stabilizing motions, my feet happened to click together. That's when I noticed my wickedly long toe nails.

How did I notice? I cut my big toe. That's right, my big toe on my left foot crossed the plane of my right foot. The 2 objects only briefly collided. But, when your body has been soaking in luke warm bath water for the past 30 minutes, the skin gets soft, wrinkly, and pliable. The sharp piece of keratin took a nice little slice out of the area under my left biggie. It was more like a paper cut than anything else. And, just like a paper cut, it smarted big time. The cut is still there providing further evidence of my non-Wolverine-like healing powers.

As I look back on my own personal nail-cutting history, I don't think I've cut my claws in over 3 weeks. It's looking doubtful I'll do it in the near future as, since our recent move, I'm not exactly sure where to find the nail clippers. However, I do know where the hedge clippers are located. Should I let them go too much longer, this may be a viable option.

I now understand that my toes also give a probable reason why people don't want to swim with me. As it turns out, I may not have superpowers at all. I'm just a guy with questionable grooming habits. There goes my chance at joining the Justice League for sure. Just in case, I'm going to talk to some fish.

WW- The Banter Has Moved!

Most of the time, my gaps in content are due to ridiculous reasons:

-I was working
-I was training
-I was ill
-I was lazy

There's really no excuse not to blog under those conditions. Recently, however, I had a much more valid excuse... I moved. It's quite humbling when you see everything you own fit into a 17' U-haul. You've got HER stuff. You've OUR stuff. Then, you've got MY stuff, which conveniently fit into a bag small enough to stow away underneath an airline passenger seat. (Okay, that's my non-triathlon stuff. We had to make a separate trip for my tri gear, but that doesn't count.)

As of yet, we are far from settled in. Everything is in boxes or bags. Hefty makes a kick-ass luggage set. As a bit of friendly advise, don't use the Vanilla Scented trash bags to package your clothing. It seems like a good idea, you know, with the fresh smell and the food like goodness. Trust me on this, it's not that great on your clothes.

Today was the first day that we had any real food in the house. Dinner yesterday was eggs and toast. Dinner 2 days ago was PB&J. Dinner 3 days ago was leftover pizza. Guess what was for dinner 4 days ago?

So far, we've made really good progress in getting our lives somewhat streamlined. Sure, there are things that elude capture. We'll sort it out in due time. Until then, we improvise. For example, plates are not needed when you own stock in paper towels (especially when you consider what was recently on the menu). Did you know that wine tastes just as good from a coffee mug as it does from a wine glass? I do not notice my hair feeling any different when I use dog shampoo.

Small things are the easiest to misplace in a move. They also tend to be the most important. Hence, the reason we busted out new toothbrushes. Finger brushing just wasn't going to do the job. Further, a razor isn't that easy to spot amongst the mess. Now would be a good time to grow a beard, except for the fact that there are certain places on my face that refuse to sprout buds. A beard on me would just be a pathetic swatch of miscolored patches of fuzz and thick red bristle. No really consistency could be seen.

If only there was a way to solve my facial hair problem. If only someone was willing to deliver me toiletries at super low costs. If only...

WW- Crazy Triathlete

I know that there are a significant number of things crazier than the Ironman. Still, I'm sure it takes a special kind of idiot to contemplate a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, and then a 26.2 mile run. Perhaps the first edition of your IM experience involves a drunken bet. Most people can understand and accept that (mostly because that's how the Ironman got started in the first place). But, to actually pay other people money year in/ year out for a sport that will never give you any cash back while sucking the life essence from you and the ones you love... That's a different story.

I'm pretty sure the entire sport is whacked in the first place. Swimming on its own is tough. Biking on its own is tough. Running on its own is tough. Ooh, I got an idea, let's take 3 individual sports that are all tough and make them harder by doing them back to back without stopping. We clearly have a screw loose.

Even the shortest distances in triathlon are misnamed "Sprints". Sprints are designed to be anaerobic in nature. Your anaerobic system kicks in immediately but gives up after around a minute. Not a single person on the planet can sprint a 1/3 mile swim. This is generally accepted as a medium distance event in competitive swimming. Certainly no one can sprint a 13 mile ride. Even the good people take around 30 minutes, far more time than aforementioned sprint. I've yet to see anyone sprint a 3.1 mile run. Seems impossible. Yet, some bloke decided to combine these distances into what is affectionately called a Sprint Triathlon.

So, I confess that the average triathlete is missing a few tools from the tool shed. I know this and I fully accept it. Then, just when you starting to come to terms with your abnormality, just when there are enough morons that think the same way you do, along comes a guy like this.

Let's count the crazy:
1. He's a triathlete
2. He's a juggler
3. He's a juggler-triathlete
4. He's swimming the backstroke (minus the stroke)
5. He's cycling on a mountain bike
6. He's running in Vibram Five Fingers
7. Did you happen to notice that he couldn't stop playing with his balls?
8. He's not wearing spandex. (Unrelated to #7)
9. He plans on competing this way
10. He'd still probably beat me in a race

Water Conservation

Triathletes are generally the good guys of the sporting world (at least I like to tell myself that). We've got lots of reasons to take care of the environment and lots of different tools to do so.

For example, since we have bikes we are more apt to commute to work. Lots of triathletes, world wide, will double dip by getting their workout to and fro work. They exercise and save on gasoline all while reducing their carbon footprint.

While were on the topic of conservation, according to recent studies (most of which were performed by me), triathletes are more likely to purchase energy efficient vehicles. I have a hybrid. Rare (but not unheard of) is the triathlete that drives a Hummer.

We eat healthy. All-natural foods appeal to us. Low fat. Unprocessed. Non-smoking. We fit the bill.

See, we are better than the average snook. We spend lots of time in the world. We frequent the roads. We hang out on the trails. We are guardians of the sidewalks.

Given all of these eco-friendly characteristics, there is one category in which we are gravely lacking: water conservation. We abuse the hydrosphere with reckless abandon. Allow me to explain...

For the most part, we (read: me) are sweaty, smelly people. Training for copious amounts of time can do that to you (me). Thus far, there is only one efficient way to remove this stink- bathing. My bathing technique of choice is the shower.  As you may or may not know, showering requires water.

If you are really sweaty and smelly (meaning me), a 2 minute showed doesn't cut it. You (I) must bust out the luffa, lather up, and spend several minutes grinding and scrubbing every nook and cranny. This takes time. All the while, the shower head is faithfully spewing its extra-tepid water at the approximate rate of 2.6 gallons per minute. Assuming that we (I) limit bathing to just 10 minutes, this is roughly 26 gallons of water per workout.

This in and of itself is not so bad. Until you realize that we (I) often do more than one workout per day. Supposing that there's a morning run, that's 26 gallons literally down the drain. Then we (I) have an afternoon bike ride. There's another 26 gallons. So far today, we (I) have dropped about 430 pounds of liquid down the pipes.

There are several opportunities in which 2 showers a day isn't enough. Take, for example, the amateur athlete that has a full time job and an opening in his (my) schedule in the afternoons. This athlete, in my hypothetical may-not-have-happened scenario, skips the morning workout in exchange for additional sleep. When the lunch break arrives, it's off for a workout. Perhaps the local YMCA is close enough for a swim. Perhaps there is a nice running loop near the workplace. It's possible that there is a treadmill somewhere in the near vicinity.

This non-existent athlete wakes up in the morning and showers. +56 gallons. Now they (I) have an afternoon workout. In order to get back to work, there is an odor quota that must be taken care of. Another 56 gallons. Now, after the workday is done, the last workout of the day gets the typical triathlete (me) ready for beddy bye. Your (my) significant other will probably  forbid eating 'dinner' together until you (I) have been scrubbed clean. This brings the total up to 168 gallons of juice for the day.

If this is a typical day for (me) the typical triathlete, repeated 4 days per week, that's in the vicinity of 1000 gallons per week. This adds up to more than your typical backyard pool in terms of raw volume over the course of a year, solely in an effort to be less pungent. Keep in mind that this number doesn't even take into consideration how much fluid that we (I) consume during said exercise.

I suspect that the major reason that triathletes are so eco-friendly in other areas of life is guilt. We (I) try to over compensate for our (my) water consumption by being champion recyclers. By driving less. By being excessively healthy people. We (I) know that the amount of water used in keeping us (me) clean is enough to moisten a small country on another continent. At least we (I) smell decent.