Sunday, February 6, 2011

I am Un-American

For those of you who have the pleasure to know me, it's apparent that I am not like normal folk. The most blatantly obvious oddity is that I am a triathlete. Most people can accept this. The next 2 reasons are harder for the average person to swallow:

Second, I hate bacon. It's true, I am a freak. I don't like the taste, smell or even look of it. Everything about bacon makes me nauseous. Bacon is like an obnoxious virus that has brainwashed the rest of the country and only a few of us are immune to its evil. I am sure that, if you tested it for addictive drugs, bacon would test positive. I am petitioning the USAT to include bacon and bacon related products on its banned substance list (this would make me a very popular person, right?). Worse, go to a restaurant and everything has bacon. Pick any food and want to make it better? Add bacon. Got another meat on the menu? Wrap it in bacon. Bacon is one of the few foods (if it can actually be called a food) that has permeated breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Can't eat pork. Fine. There are imitation bacon products such as Turkey Bacon, Bacon Bits and Beggin' Strips. Okay, that last one is for dogs but I'm sure they got the flavor right. Taste it and let me know. There are a few disgusting deserts out there, such as bacon ice cream, that have not gone mainstream yet. I am sure it's only a matter of time. I went to out to eat yesterday and the restaurant actually covered vegetables in bacon. I had to specially request that my vegetables come without bacon. The waitress backed away a couple of steps.

Third, I do not enjoy football and I will NOT be watching the Superbowl tonight. This unofficial American holiday is completely lost on me. Whereas I applaud the need to invent reasons to drink beer, eat fat/ cholesterol/ cheese/ bacon laden food, I cannot get past that there is a football game ruining the experience. Here's a fun thought: Consider how many chickens that had to die just to support tonight's hot wing quota. Maybe they should wrap hot wings in bacon. Yum! A couple a years ago, I went to a Superbowl party and we ended up playing Rock Band. Cheap Trick was the highlight of the evening. I was disappointed that we stopped rockin' because the game had started up again. "Don't Be Cruel," I rang out, but they turned off the game for the game. That was my last Superbowl. I used to not mind the game just to watch the ads. With the commercials posted on the internet, I cannot justify it anymore.

Instead, I have planned an hour and a half bike ride on the trainer during which I will be testing my lactate threshold in an effort to properly calculate my heart rate zones on the bike. This test is long overdue. I'll put in a movie (uncertain and uncaring if it will be good) and bring over a trash can, just in case there is exercise induced vomit. I actually think that this test will be less painful than if I had sat down to watch football, which would most certainly induce vomit. Football induced vomit is not pretty.

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