Monday, June 18, 2012

The Challenge Has Been Issued

Most triathletes are type A personalities. For those unfamiliar with the term, it means that we strive to be the best at everything that we do. Even if we suck at something, we still do our darndest to suck better than everyone else. We try to be the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

I am no different. Therefore, when a challenge is laid on the table its pretty much a given that it will be accepted and attacked with fervor. Here's the story:

Every so often, we babysit the dog-in-law. The DIL is the litter-mate of my running dog, Westley. The parents-in-law unnecessarily feel the need to compensate for our DIL-related duties. Historically, they purchase some sort of gift that is incredible suited for the Wife. I honestly have no need for candles, candle holders, or floral patterned plates that cannot be put in the microwave (I'm sensationalizing a bit for story purposes). You cannot eat them and you remove my #1 cooking tool.

On their most recent trip, the FIL decided to change all of that. He plopped this bad boy down on my kitchen counter.

Then, he followed it with a comment similar to the likes of, "You couldn't possibly eat that all by yourself, right? You are going to share that with your kids and colleagues at school, right?"

I'm sorry to report to my kids and colleagues at school that I did not actually hear the second part of the offer. Who does he think he is telling me that I could not eat all of that chocolate? I have known the man for nearly 2 decades now. He should know better.

Just to be clear, I'd like to give you a little more perspective.

That's right. What you see there is a gargoyle holding a 5 pound chocolate bad boy dubbed "The World's Largest Hershey Bar" and the nose of a 125 pound dog (not the DIL) just daring me to drop it. Don't worry Big Dog, I've got this under control.

When accepting these types of challenges, there are a few unwritten rules which you should NOT do.

Do not look at the nutrition information:

If you refused to look at the Nutrition Facts, you would not see that this bar has 50 full servings of chocolate, each one sporting 240 calories. You most definitely would not do the math to learn that there are a grand total of 12,000 calories hidden in that bar (luckily only 6500 from fat). It would probably be a horrific idea to compare the calorie information to that of raw butter, which contains only 100 calories per serving (all from fat). If you upped the ante to lard, you gain an extra 20 calories and still don't come to half of the crap yielded in this guy. Yup, this thing is, nutritionally speaking, worse than pure butter or lard.

Thank goodness that the Father-in-Law did not set a time stamp on the challenge. I have every intention of finishing every last dripping-in-fatty-goodness calorie. There is a rumor that the Wife has stolen some for a chocolate/ almond concoction. Knowing her, she will not put a significant dent in the supply.

I'll keep you updated.


  1. If it's a 5lb chocolate bar and has 12,000 calories won't you gain only 4lbs @3000cal/lb if you eat all of it?

    1. Umm, maybe... It depends on a lot of things... HEY! I never said it was an intelligent behavior. Maybe I'll do a before and after weight thing too.