Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Red- Running Shoes Diary

Dear Red-Running Shoes Diary,

The other day, I went for a morning run. It was warm and humid outside rendering my shirt useless. I donned my running shorts, which flowed over my sculpted legs just short of my knees. My white socks were barely showing above my well worn running shoes, just below my chiseled calf muscles. I lead out on the run with my six-pack abs. (1)

After grabbing a drink of water, I called for the golden retriever/ yellow lab mix, who is my faithful running companion (and also happens to have six-pack abs). We set out on the road heading due south from my house. Our pace was comfortable (2), allowing me to breathe easy while my Baywatch (3)-esque pecs rippled in the motion.

We had made it about 8 miles (4) from my home and I had just now started to form the first beads of sweat. Off to my right, there was this large, picturesque mansion screaming of a millionaire (5). On the back deck of this pristine manicured landscape was a pure-bred golden retriever. This dog was a handsome specimen (6). I'll call him Max (short for Maximum Awesomeness).

Max was unbound by any form of restraint. There was no fence, electronic or otherwise, to keep Max contained. I doubt any fence could hold that magnificent animal (7). Max gave a warning growl, friendly bark, and sprinted (8) his way in our direction.

My running dog is not one to back down from an aggressor (9). As Max continued his march, judging by the wag of his tail, it was clear that Max was no adversary. The 2 dogs faced off (10) for about a minute.  It was apparent that Max had no intention of going home on his own. I staged an intervention.

I grabbed Max by the collar and walked in the direction of his home. Max resisted at first but I out-Alpha'd him (11). As I approached the rear door of the house, I noticed that the back screen door was wide open making it abundantly obvious how Max had escaped his domicile. The was a large, 42" plasma (12) TV playing in the background. I knocked on the door.

"Hello," I said, "I've got your dog." No response. I repeated my salutation. Again, no response.

My dog and Max were happy for the delay as they took advantage to play (13). I started to walk around the deck, staring into the most fashionable decorated kitchen (14). I saw no one. Certainly the owners did not depart and leave the house wide open. I went back to my original plan.

"Hello! Hello!" I said in a much louder voice. I was starting to fret (15). I decided to put Max in the house and close the door behind him. One more try, "Hello. Is there anybody home? Hello," I said as I went to grab Max (16).

I walked Max back to the house. I put him inside and reached for the door handle. Then I saw her.

She was a magnificent specimen of the human female form (17). Her hair was dripping wet, indicating that she had just showered. She was wearing a black, silk (18) robe. She smiled in my direction and gave me a playful up-and-down (19).

"I've got your dog. He followed us on my run and I didn't think he should go with us," I said. "I knocked but nobody answered."

"Thanks," she said. "He does that from time to time. How could I ever show my gratitude for your gallant, thoughtful behavior." She stepped towards me and started to untie her robe. The silky material dropped to the floor, displaying her curves in all of her shapely, womanly glory. She took a few steps towards me. I was frozen in a mix of fear and delight. Fear in that I am a happily married man and don't wish to ruin it. Delight in that this was a site to be proud of and I didn't want to miss it. (20)

My running dog stepped up to my side, nudged my hand, and awoke me from my stupor (more proof that he is smarter than me).

"No problem," I said. As the running dog and I turned away and galloped off into the sunrise.

The Banter would like to apologize for some inconsistencies in the above post. Please insert the following corrections.

1. Two-pack abs (21)
2. Slow as molasses
3. Big Bang Theory
4. About 400 yards
5. Shack with a deck
6. Old, graying and overweight
7. I don't think the owners believed that Max was able to leave the porch without assistance.
8. Plodded
9. He hid behind me, tail tucked
10. Sniffed each other's butts
11. Was eager to follow anyone anywhere.
12. 19" black and white
13. Sniff each other some more
14. Sink full of dirty dishes.
15. Get annoyed with the situation.
16. Separate the 2 dogs from yet more butt sniffing.
17. Average, 40-something blond
18. White, full-legged terry cloth
19. Looked at me the way you would if encountering a real-life gargoyle.
20. This entire paragraph should read, 'She said, "Please stop eating my food and get out of my house."'
21. Semi-buddha belly

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