Saturday, January 26, 2013

My Pantie Problem

[There's a lot of separate backstories to the main point of this posting. They come together at the end. Please be patient.]

Story 1- Online Shopping
The Wife does a significant amount of shopping online. We get all sorts of things delivered to the house, from food to toiletries to apparel. It's kinda like Christmas for me. A box appears on our doorstep courtesy of the local UPS guy and I'm all giddy with excitement about the surprise that's inside. Cha ching, it's the economy size pack of Puffs (the kind that you blow into, not the kind that you blow out of).

(Having just re-read that, I think I failed at clarifying my point. But I'm gonna keep it as I think it works anyway.)

Online businesses are confusingly sneaky in their marketing campaigns. We (meaning the Wife) did a product search. Then we (still meaning the Wife) purchase from a site that offers an appropriate brand at a fair price. We (meaning me) provide credit card information. They (meaning the company) ship the item to our (meaning our) house. We (meaning the Wife) open the box and reap the rewards.

You'd think that be the end of the purchasing story. However, they (meaning the company) require certain information to get the product to our (meaning our) home. Such as an email and street address. Then they (meaning the company) now feel that they (still meaning the company) and we (meaning the Wife) are best buds. They (I'm pretty sure you know who) will repeatedly send us (meaning me as it was my credit card) catalogs and advertisements to buy more of their products. They (you still know who) found a loop hole in the anti-spam/ junk mail laws.

That's how I (meaning me) receive repeated Victoria Secret catalogs.

Story 2- The Weather
I looked it up. For my area the coldest days of the year, based on average highs and lows, happen between January 10-25th. It seems that the jet stream, in conjunction with the Canadian Weather Authority, are aware of this phenomenon and have been working diligently to turn down the thermostat. Today is actually the 'warm' day of the week.

Despite what people think, January in upstate NY has an average high of right around the freezing point of water. This is the result of careful math over the past 100+ years of data. The average low is in the upper teens.

Not included in the chill- snow, ice, wind, and the penchant for plow vehicles to not care if you are running on the side of the road or not.

Story 3- The Training
I have dedicated myself to improving my run. I'm not much of a runner. I sport average speeds in the discipline but I recognize that I have room for vast levels of improvement.

The best way to improve your running is by... wait for it... because what I'm about to tell you lies opposite of what all of the Saturday morning infomercials tell you... it is contrary to everything that the masses want to hear (including myself)...

...The best way to improve your running is by running more. There really is no way around it. Running is a skill and, just like all skills, the more you (meaning me) practice the better you (meaning me) will get. If I want to be a better runner, I need to run.

The Second Story of this post has not helping much. This week alone, I have run in temps of 6º, 8º, and 13º. That's in Fahrenheit. For those of you who speak Celsius, allow me to translate: It's fricken cold!

Story 3- The Support Structure
Once you factor in the training with the weather, a new problem presents itself. Mostly in the world of sporting apparel. Layers upon layers of clothing are needed just to brave the elements. My wardrobe is wholly inadequate for the task.

In the summer time, what I'll refer to as the happy season, you can get away with minimalist attire. Shoes are used by most. Shorts are required by law. Shirts are optional. Ladies, this is even true for you in NY, so long as your not selling or lewding, so feel free to be free.

In the evil season, you still have the option of going free but exposure is not recommended. Hence the need for more coverage. The other day, I had on a base layer shirt, turtleneck, long-sleeved tee, and a jacket. For bottoms, I had jogging pants over running tights over running panties. I couldn't believe that I actually had to wear panties.

Most of my running apparel has built-in man supports. Panties are not recommended in running shorts due to the briefs or compressions sewn into the short. Coverage and comfort all built in to one garment. Without these marveling bits of technology, I (meaning me) would just become an extra in the cross county running scenes for the Movie Juno.

To be truthful, my boys don't need that much leverage. They were built strong and I have run many-a-times in boxers with no discomfort. I do own running panties for different reasons. Specifically I bought them because I coach, including leading stretching, and don't want any dude slippage in front of my athletes.

These panties are finally beneficial to me (meaning me) in the sport of running. Sometimes, despite their heartiness, the boys get cold. Cold on testicles doesn't actually do them much harm. Sperm can be deposited and frozen for many a year and maintain their virulence. It's just that the freezing environment scares the bejeezus out of them, as evidenced by their penchant to tuck and hide. The panties keep the nether regions warmer and less numb.

The Problem
I simply don't own enough running panties. I have been running from 7-9 times a week in an effort to increase my effort. Or is that decrease my effort? It doesn't matter. I simply don't have enough panties to keep up with the weather and my recent running habits.

This whole issue would be moot if the weather would change. Or if I moved. Or if I ran less. Since none of those things seem to be happening anytime soon, I have to figure out something else.

The Possible Solution
Here's the part where I promised you that all the individual stories would come together:

I've been looking a lot at the Victoria's Secret Catalog lately.


  1. Man panties = manties. Never a good thing. But justifying looking at Victoria's Secret's that working for ya?

    1. Not as good as I hoped. Their sporting line for men is surprisingly sparse.